i-Home Finally

For over 30 years, I have waited for this day. A home I can call my own. Ironically, a home is where my home not is. Singapore had made it rather impossible for me, but I can’t blame her all. It’s the longing to be elsewhere that has driven me to this. A home, away from the motherland. A dream home costing so much less but alluring so much more. Though it may not be vast, a studio she is, I have built my own Shangri-La. 30 years was a long wait. I never had a home. A resort…., my Resort.

Granny so Corny

Just this Sunday, which was Thailand’s Mothers Day, I brought gig’s mum and gang for the usual “tamboon” trip. “Tamboon” means something like going to the temples and boring myself to death while offerings were given to the monks followed by prayers.

Gang includes one about to be transvestite, the mum and a granny of about 55 years old. Yakking non stop as I drove, I tried to pick out and understand what I could of their conversation….

Mum: So you are saving for a sex change operation soon?
Transvestite: Yes, I am goin to XYZ hospital to do it. I am going to be a woman soon (sounding very happy).
Granny: How old are you?
Transvestite: 36.
Granny: Are you sure men will use your new thing after sex change? You are already so old.
Me: ... (Continue driving in shocking silence)

Granny: When you see men’s thing, will your thing rise?
Transvestite: No… prefer to be entered so my thing will not rise…
Me: ... (Continue driving in shocking silence)

Mum: Brother has been bringing different girls home in the night lately.
Gig: Brother is very “playboy”.
Mum: He is so young (18) and have many different girlfriends.
Granny: His thing can use? He is so young still.
Mum: Sure can, seen it recently…. Big and good.
Me: ... (Continue driving in shocking silence)

Then in the temple in front of Buddha…

Mum: Have you eaten? You have been driving non stop.
Me: Its ok, I had milk in the morning.
Granny: Why drink milk? Your gig don’t have enough milk for you?
Me: ... (expecting lightning to shoot from Buddha’s eyes any moment)

It is interesting ain’t it. In Chinese families, your grandma will not speak like that unless senile. But here in Thailand, they seemed so open. However, there are a certain “high-so (high society)” group of people, normally Thai-Chinese, who thinks talking like that is definite taboo. They consider normal families like what I encountered “low-so” and of a lower grade. Interbreeding with such families is a no-no. Having the transvestite on the journey was also one of my first. Don’t get that much in Singapore but here, most groups of friends will certainly have one or two of these interesting gentle creatures within. Thailand, still new to me after 3 years.

Footbon Thai & Aussie

Girl: Friend of me going to watch match football Thai & Australia at stadium.
Me: Friend you is girl?
Girl: Yes.
Me: Wow, this good na, Thai people love country real real, go support county Thailand.
Girl: No, farang (Caucasians) handsome more then men of Thai, have many many girls go watch.

…! ? Makes me really wonder if the many people that I see in cinemas watching movies are going for the story, or just watching Brad Pitt in motion. Bet they don’t understand the movies at all.

Downtown Thai Roads

Thai roads are a nightmare for foreigners. It is very common for us to be driving in the wrong direction. Road direction changes according to time of day, bus lanes are opened to traffic from X to Y time, some lanes changes direction during period X, can’t turn left or right into soi from X to Y time, traffic to turn right at cross junction blocked, U-turn blocked, lane blocked, road blocked and Z marks the spot where you hand a fine to the police. There are many makeshift signs put up along the roads, especially in downtown areas. I was on the left most lane one morning behind a bus when I saw a wooden sign with scribbling at the lane’s edge in middle of road. Traffic was a standstill and there came the brown police, always in his fake Ray Ban shades. He looked at me and pointed across the sign. About 15 seconds passed without any brain activity within my skull. Then he showed his big eyeballs and pointed across the sign from left to right at almost 10 swipes per second with his index finger. His eyes grew very very big when I realized I must be doing something wrong and therefore decided to edge out onto the next lane. It is assumed by all traffic authorities, that all foreigners can read Thai.

Bus lane… one other day, again these signs are in Thai writings. So the police stopped me at the junction and the first thing I did was put my hands together and said in as lousy a Thai as I could “sarrrr wat deee cup”. He looked through my documents and then started shooting away that I can speak Thai because I have a Thai license. I tried as best I could not to break character and smile at him holding my “I England Only” stand. For your info… the Thai driving test can be conducted in English as an option for foreigners. Unlike Singapore’s Traffic Police Force which lives by the rules of “Ignorance is not an Excuse” or “I didn’t get laid yesterday nite and so I will take it out on you” plus “I got a big butt plug forcefully shoved up my arse now so don’t mess with me” or “ants are chewing my testis so don’t fu*k with me”, he was a kind policeman and smiling as he explained to me as best as he could about bus lanes rules. Coz… I had to pay for the lesson… but I paid the fine happily and he even gave me proper directions to my destination Hotel.

I now learned that certain bus lanes downtown can be used by cars only during 6pm to 6am. I have however, still not learned how to identify these bus lanes.

The Black Car II

Ok…. Definitely… some Thais are really fascinated with picking up dead scantly dressed women. This sticker inset, is all over the place as well. I believe it to be modified from the “volunteer sticker” as shown in the big picture. I think its nuts.

Anyways.. people die all the time here for weird reasons unheard of in Singapore. Big storm, bill board falls, people smashed. Then there was the recent case of a young girl who accidentally reversed her car into the pond at some parking lot. She drowned because door cannot open. And of course, people are still getting blown up every week in the south near Malaysia. There was this touching story of a police who accidentally shot a kidnapped girl and decided that he should become a monk. Then motorcycle accidents all over as usual because the irresponsible rides on opposite directions, rides three without helmets, accelerate on full speed like in movies zig zagging across traffic when a police tries to stop them. And I encountered a hit and run by one of these punksters out the front my office on a recent night. Rode on opposite direction with girlfriend as pillion, banged into my front as I braked hard not to run him over. Instead of stopping, he sped away fast and furious squeaking at high RPMs, in oncoming traffic for fear that I asked him to pay for the damage. Life is cheap for him, no helmets no responsibilities for the pillion.

Dear all, if you ever encounter a rider with no helmets riding into the path of your car and he happens to crash into you, I encourage you to run him over and forget the brakes, then reverse and run him over again. You will be doing him a favor making him reborn as a better person. And after that, hang a dolly behind your car.

Dolly behind Car
The Black Car

Thais Love the Plastic Surgeon

Often on later night TV, you will get to see talk shows where they invite some already famous stars and talk about everything. And definitely some when in the program, photographs of before-famous will be flashed on the screen. You realized most of the time something is different, especially the breast size and the skin tone.

Thai people are very ok getting cut up and modified. One of gig’s SYT (sweet young things) friends had her ears redone, pulled back. That’s because she has (had) ears that, if capable of flapping, she will be airborne.

In hospitals when I visited the doctor for flu, the walls will be a jargon of colorful promotions with prices and pretty pictures. Breast enlargement THB4000 – 7000, double eyelids THB600, vagina modification / tightening / make like virgin / etc etc etc… about THB3000. They even have finger extension for THB 2400 and if they can do that to fingers… of course they can do that to your precious. Penis implant… THB150!!!! SGD$ 6 to make it what… big and fat? Endless possibilities under the surgeon’s knife, can I have vagina for a face thus reviving into reality the legendry Hokkien chee-bye-bin? Incredible prices… kind scary cheap to believe.

SYT friend of gig accidentally pushed her ear a little hard. Now she has one flappable ear. She has to redo the surgery.

Genetically, some people here have nostrils that can fit their thumbs in comfortably to dig the nose shit out. Noses are rather flat and holes are not like us Singaporeans, angled down. They have the base of their nose slanted up at steeper angle so riding on motorbikes means forced air induction of the normally aspirated lungs. My Chinese Thai friend told me this applies only to some of the darker native Thais from certain regions where their jaw bones are generally broader too. Imagine.. brown version of Spongebob Squarepants. So they will go surgery for their jaws and work on the nose. The general population here have a darker skin tone too. Thus many of them spend a lot of money going to spas to make themselves fair. And as for the fairer Chinese here, it’s popular to work on their boobs (most Chinese women have cute tiny pieces of meat on chest we called breast).

The idea of getting cut up and re-plastered like clay model eeks me. Why don’t they start from young? I have heard that the skulls of new born baby is soft like clay… so that means bones are soft I presume. So why not work the head of the new born like a plasticine and you can get that smaller jaw line. Pull the chin for that masculine look. Knock in the eyes with the base of your palm for deeper eye sockets like the Caucasian. Thumbs and fingers on the forehead to get Klingon from Start Trek looks, or enlarge the forehead to look like Chinese deities? Want your kid to be tall then pull the legs with some mild strength… or pull the precious so he will have 30 inch dick when reach adolescent. For identical twins, punch holes on their scalps with your fingers, one indent – Baby 1, two indents – Baby 2. But never have three indents or they become blowing ball.

Weird Car on Thai Roads

I swear to Buddha that if I had wind down my window and shout at that thing, it would jump off the flyover and explode into a fireball.

Cars like theses are invented for one purpose, to reduce the traffic congestion on roads by occupying less space. So many political figures in Thailand had promised to curb the traffic, pollution and energy problems of the country and none have done so in reality. Why haven’t they thought of heavy subsidies or mass orders for economic of scales reasons on such easily frightened cars and then increase the tax on fuel guzzling big vehicles by an unreasonable amount (just like Singapore’s COE)? All talk and do nothing, traffic jam = burning fuel for zero work done = energy waste = pollution.

Welcome to Bangkok, land of a thousand smiles, smiling in our cars because the monoxide had rendered our brains spastic, watch for that uncontrolled twitching side of our lips.

Dolly behind Car

Lately, there has been a trend that every driver seems to be picking up. Hanging cute soft toys below the rear of cars and have it exposed to every possible environmental hazard, killing them eventually at maybe 80 mile per hour on the highway. At first, it seems hanging the cuddly toys boost performance of your car. The bigger the better. Hello Kitty + 10hp. Ultraman +15hp, Superman + 20hp, Garfield +50hp no need turbo and can beat WRX. You can see them on Jazz, Taxi Vios, pickups of all makes and others. The more you hang, the better. So again, I asked the Thais…… Why?

It all started when some driver long ago ran into a pedestrian and killed him. The Thais believe the ghost will then linger in the car. So the killer driver then hung a human like figurine behind the car in the hope that the ghost will move into it instead of staying around within the cabin. I guess it will be even better when the toy is accidentally severed from the car, taking along the ghost within it, only to be run over by a 10 wheeler behind and letting out a soft but long “chow chee byeeeeeeeeeee…..” in the process. So, kill one pedestrian, hang one toy. Kill two, hang two. Kill fifty, fill up your boot with a shit load of soft toys. Having them lingering outside the car is better then having them in. Apparitions of dead materializing at the point of climax when you are doing it with your gig can result in an irreversible condition known as SPSCC (severe permanent standing cock cramp).

Anyways, the real purpose of having toys behind cars has now been lost and it became a fashion statement instead these days. This is monkey see monkey do without knowledge of basis. Now a superstitious group of Thais believe that following this trend may result in uninvited tenants of your cuddly toy, such as when you drive over the spot where the 10 wheeler ran over the detached toy of the car up front, still in the midst of softly screaming the last word “byeeeeeeeeeeeeeee….”.

Blogger turned Stupid

With so much intelligence in detecting which country I logged in from or whatever, Blogger has gone Thai on me. There seems to be no way I can turn it back to English. There is not any English word to indicate “Change Language Here” on my dashboard. Blogger intelligence is thus stupid and it is making it very difficult for me to trial and click all over the stupid site just to publish my blog.

Ngoo

Snake… ngoo in Thai. Man with snake on head = Thai proverb for a horny man out on a hunt for girls. Snake in picture above dead. Reminds me of a Discovery Channel show about a Singapore guy who got his testicles bitten in the toilet of a golf course. Snake.. you can find them at your work place too, so the security guard whacked it dead.

The Black Car

A man suited up in bright coveralls, carrying a dead lady. I asked the Thais why are there so many of these stickers around.

Well, this sticker means the truck/van/car is meant to pick up the dead body of accident victims. Means the guy is a volunteer, sort of like Civil Defense personnel in Singapore but on an unpaid or un-forced basis. When disaster strikes, you can see a whole bunch of these people. I saw on TV one of them swam in the dirty “klong” to retrieve a dead fetus.

Strange to me it seems that I see many of these stickers on taxis, cars, buses and everything else. Maybe they think it kinky to carry attractive scanty dressed dead women. So, this is the Black Car (orh-chia) of Thailand. From our Chinese superstitious point of view, you sit in a Taxi with this means you gonna be really unlucky, because the sticker is cursing you dead.

TESCO Thailand wants to Kill Farangs

A lone foreigner in Thailand has bought a pack of sausages from one of the country’s big giant supermarkets and almost suffered serious health complications due to ingestion of non-edible contents. Unlike sausages elsewhere in the world, Thailand seems to be the only place where sausages are wrapped in plastic, instead of an edible film of material.

The pack of sausages from TESCO does not have any writings in English, other then the word TESCO of course. There is no warning on the package to inform the consumer that plastic is used as the skin, and should be removed before eaten or fried. In Thailand, it is common knowledge that sausages of inferior grade are of this nature, but how was the foreigner suppose to know when everything is in Thai? This is again what exhibits so clearly that Thailand only loves the money of farangs and not really welcome farangs to make this country their home. The foreigner then fried the sausages, melting the plastic, not realizing the strange smell is not from the cooking of special odd Thai spices. It was odd when the foreigner hears the sausages wheezing in the frying pan and he did not know sausages were not suppose to make funny noises like dying of pain when being cooked. It was not until he bit into the sausage that he noticed the skin does not break and the contents “oozed” out from an opening in the plastic.

When Mr Lim, the owner of this blog, was interviewed after throwing all the TESCO sausages in the bin, he said “TESCO go fuck you mother chow cheebye! Kan puar tulan. TESCO haw gao kan. Kaninambreh…. Ai wa si ah? Chee bye.”

Beware the Bhangra Man

Some of us would remember our younger days, what our parents said to scare us for something we did or about to do wrong. Often in Chinese families the child would be threaten with “Don’t do that ah…. the Bangkali will come to catch you….” As to why, after 3 decades on earth wondering since childhood, I finally know the answer.

I was at the Thai Immigration Bureau extending my work permit. Since this is Thialand, waiting 6 hours for a queue of only 50 is common in government departments. I spent my time glued to the chair, reading a book. There was this irritating Thai Chinese boy talking non stop, screaming, squeaking, running. Looks to me more like a spider monkey then a boy. He went around, hitting all the empty chairs like Kitaro. Mother said in Thai “Sky, come here and don’t play.” Sky??!!! Reminds me of my ex’s brother.. Looks like Johnny Bravo and brain I bet looks also like Johnny Bravo…

Anyway, there were two Indian men behind me. I can hear them complaining. “Child very irritating, very naughty. Why are there children that behave like that… blah blah blah.” The stupid kid next then climbed up the empty chair beside mine. I was about to make him eat his own testicles when suddenly I saw a huge black hairy hand slowly come out between the gap of our chairs. Slowly and eerily fingers extended going for a grab of the boy, the Indian breath close behind me. Child freak out. Run away. Indians laughing, mum unaware. Then child started stomping all chairs again and ran all over. He even smack a standing lady in her butt “Piack!!!”. Everyone was staring at the child then, bewildered. Then he fell with a hard thud as he slipped on a puddle of mineral water he spilled earlier on. The Indians went “Yesssss!!!!!!!!!!” ..

Hwah…. See…? I don’t blame the Indians. I wanted to decapitate the child myself. If Chinese parents have something to scare the child about, what about the other races? Do Indians say “Don’t do that ah…. the Chinaman will come to eat your testicles...”?

What you Don’t Know can Kill You

The reaction was fast and the toxic gas was released instantaneously. The blue liquid turned transparent within mere seconds under the chemical reaction. Having no idea what was going on then, I breathed normally. That was when I felt my throat started to burn and my lungs started to sting. I turned the tap on and flushed the surrounding air furiously in an attempt to neutralize the poison. Still oblivious to the hazard posed by the situation, I was taking in shallow breathes. Finally, I can take it no more and I escaped. What followed was almost 2 hours of difficulty breathing followed by non stop coughing. Breathing had to be forced and was no longer automated. I had to force myself to breath. My chest felt tight, my throat felt narrowing. I had to stay cool as I expected shock to set in. I could feel fluids building up in my lungs as I started wheezing. I had to gulp for air.

I almost died from cleaning my toilet.

Bleach is a wonderful agent. Introduced by my dear friend Ant Tua Ni as the lazy man’s agent to cleaning out the toilet. Had been using it for 2 years. Just spray here and there, leave it for a moment, flush with water and your toilet is cleaned of all scum. The tiles will be white. What he did not tell me was not to mix the blue Toilet Duck with the common bleach. Can’t blame him I guess, maybe he don’t know, but it’s always better to blame someone. I wanted to clean the toilet in double time. So first I sprayed toilet duck all over the sink, the floor and then the bowl. Then I picked up the trusty bleach and sprayed a second layer. The ordeal thus begins. Ant, you cheebye… you almost killed me.

Researching the Internet, chlorine is a gas that is released very rapidly when certain household cleaning agents are mixed. It is especially dangerous in enclosed environment and inhalation of too much an amount could lead to organ failure and death. Ant you asshole. When chlorine is mixed with water, harmful acids are produced from the reaction. Thus when chlorine is inhaled, it reacts with the moisture lining your windpipe and deep in your lungs, thus explaining the burning stinging sensation. Lungs will swell and react by introducing fluids, an attempt to produce phlegm to flush the toxins out via coughing I guess. Adverse reactions may lead to pneumonia, drown in your own phlegm, or lungs will bleed, drown in your own blood. Ant.. you asshole. Throat passage being burnt by acid will start to swell, so if I am any fatter, I may have suffocated. Lack of oxygen will lead to organ failure as they shut down. Then brain dies and hello Buddha land.

Other then falling off high rise buildings cleaning the windows, this is one of many ways your household maid may get killed. Kind of reminds me about an incident many years ago when my grandma’s maid had sardine explode in her face. She heated a can of sardine, unopened on the naked stove. We had to scrap sardines off the ceiling. This can also be one of the accidental ways old people may get killed. Pour Toilet Duck and then 3 liters of bleach over them.

Asshole you, Ant. My breathe still smells weird of chlorine or whatever after 24 hours. Wanna try bo? My toilet is now squeaky clean.

F The Thai Pumps

A petrol station in Thailand is known as a Pump. Therefore when you ask for the nearest petrol station in English to Thai people, you most likely get redirected to police station, MRT station, BTS station and whatever that has a station word in it. Shell petrol stations are known as “pump shell”, Jiffy as “pump jet”, PTT as “pump po tor tor (or something)” and so and so forth.



Petrol stations in Thailand are where you sometimes don’t find any petrol. Relying on petrol stations to pump up your flat tire can also be a frustrating experience. For some unknown reasons, 90% of the pumps I go to do not have the pump head attached. Just a hose with what looked like a severed or detached apparatus that lets air out. Could be stolen, could be run over by cars, or maybe the monkey in the jungle beside has taken it. However, if you were to drive your car up to the attendant, he will most likely have a mobile gas tank ready to pump up your tire and of course, you have to tip him after.

Sidetracking a bit to food.. Clams are known as “hoi”. Interestingly, scallops are called “hoi shell”. I guess why the Thais called scallops “hoi shell” is because the shell of the scallop looks like the logo of Shell petrol stations. The other clam species have their own version of very strange Thai callings.

Thailand Killed My Party Animal

Its Saturday night. Normally a weekend in Singapore would be pub until we render the word “sober” meaningless. Why I stayed at home now blogging? What happened to the party creature in me? It’s been killed by Thai pubs. I no longer go pubbing anymore. Gig is out with friends on her once in a really blue moon party escapade. Normally I will jump at any chance to do so. But not now… nor will I party ever anymore.

Imagine even the renowned Ministry of Sound can go bust in Thailand. That can only mean one thing. Thai people do not now true music, the real stuffs that you hear in real pubs. Instead pubs here are more or less a “poser place”. The music is always hip-hop, in fact, only hip-hop, the blackman bassy rap type and the cover of old songs mixed to a fast techno tune (what is known as ah-lian music in Singapore). And there will always be that darn live band interrupting 3 times a night in colossal contrast to the hi-fidelity of electronic tune.

I want to ingest concoctions of deathly treat opposing the state of consciousness and let my mind immerse in the trippy-rhythm. I want to see the kaleidoscope of colored rays and strobes made even more untamed by my altered state infused with that good electronic beat both chaotic and yet orderly, an urge to move the body and soul and be lost in the sea of good old intoxicated close friends. I can no longer find that. Not in Thailand.

What happened to Darude, ATB, Paul Van Dyk, Fatboy Slim, Crystal Method and that like of music?? None! NONE in THAILAND! NON-EXISTENT. I declare... Thai population does not have the taste for the good kind of music. Pubbing in Thailand, for poser-losers.

(My article does not applies to all pubs in Thailand, but I believe covers the majority 99.99%. There must be one or two good ones around. Just that I don’t know where they are. Shitty.)

i Holiday Koh Racha 2007

A holiday too wonderful, too expensive but worth every Baht. Pay peanuts get monkey, but pay a lot, get rewards. Having a holiday now is different from when we were just tourist. I have picked up the language and so that makes holidaying in Thailand an even more pleasant experience.

Since the people think I am Thai now, when walking into shops, they will tell me to look for a covertly located price tag on their products, instead of the one smack big in the middle for foreigners. When eating out on the island, the bill is normally 50% less then that printed in the menu. But not all is good as a chameleon. I have experienced Thai looking down on Thais. I am now sometimes seen as the disfavored opposite to a tourist packed full of money in their bellies, and thus got the “transparent treatment”.

The language had enabled me to chat with the locals, the staffs and thus really dig into the cultural, and the life of the people. The bartender was bored and chatting to me was a delight for him, and so I was delighted too when I got my free Rainbow drinks as he spoke of life on the island, the Tsunami and everything else. The dead bodies of ang-mohs were like beached whales from the sea. Heavy and bloated, it took him and three other people to carry the carcasses. Back on Phuket right after the Tsunami, there were numerous looting by illegal Myanmar workers. Security guards had to work from the first day of the disaster, stationed alone in the front of their destroyed watch. In the first few nights, no one dared venture out in fear of running into translucent apparitions of the red haired tourist moon-tanning on the beach. The guards had set up altars full of Buddhas beside the lone chair where they sat, and patrolling was out of the question. Be next to the Buddha.

The beach used to be pristine white sand. But the Tsunami came in and wipe them out. The sand is gone. The rocks exposed. And what is worst is that the dead corals now wash onto the beach by the millions. Paradise is lost but nature should grind them into perfection as before, in many centuries to come.

The fishes are big and fat unlike the other islands. They are bigger then both my hands put together. They followed me in swarm as I swam and nibbled on my toes whenever I am motionless. I asked the locals why. They said I am fair and that the fish thinks I am a very big piece of white bread. Normally the locals feed the fishes everyday with leftover pastry. That keeps them coming. But I think otherwise. I think the fishes are used to eating humans from the Tsunami of 2004.

The workers on the island lived a “jailed life” they complained. After dark and after shifts, they sometimes would fish off the rocks for squid. Squid of half a kilo is common and they would gut it and BBQ over an open fire. The meat is sweet.

The island used to be farmland, but the locals now realized picking coconuts for the tourist makes so much more money. The rice farms are now reminisces of the old island life, just pools of unattended weeds and mud that the buffalos now stroll in. The laborers that took over the animals are now but fuel guzzling red mechanical tractors hauling construction materials of civilization. The islanders turned to setting up local eating joints and bars for the 300 odd employees of the resort. Some went to work for the resort. This is a small island where Thai knew every Thai.

The Thais on holiday were lawyers and university lecturers. People considered within the higher echelons of Thai society, people who could afford the stay. My cover was blown when they use very difficult Thai words and I stared blank and give the Thailand smile back at them. They guessed I was from the South, a Korean, a Japanese, from Hong Kong but never a Singaporean who has been here for only three years and could speak and behave like them.

The MD called me and we had drinks in the resort. He is an old hero bird of 18 years in Thailand, and yes, from Singapore. I lookup to him as the live I will be in a decade into the future. A seasoned experienced man of packed Sing-Thai culture, a robust, dynamic diversified and an excellent gentleman. We chatted, we partied. I died having not drank like in Newsroom Bar of MS back home for 3 years.

The limo driver was happy, and when he found I was a Singaporean jokingly said to me that Singaporeans are very good people. The resort owner is Singaporean, is very kind. Buys Benz for the drivers to drive in. He escaped the Tsunami for he was in his very fast and powerful Benz. He thinks Singaporeans are very fond of “mee-sua” and I guess his boss is crazy about that. The driver offered to bring me to eat the light noodle but I apologetically replied I prefer Thai food now.

The ang-mohs baked in the sun. The ang-mohs eat in the resort. The ang-moh walks tall and tan among the shortness of the yellow to dark skinned locals going about their duty. The chameleon walks both paths and lives the life of the people. The holiday experience is thus twice rewarding. I am Back to Bangkok’s chaotic work for now. But hey… I am still living my holiday.

Look under Koh Racha April 2007 here for photos.

Koh Racha Island

Continued from The SGD400 per nite Trip...


The ride.


The room.


The shower.


The Thai mistake as usual.


The Do Not Disturb sign. Put the frog dolly in. Take it out means the room can be cleaned.



The pool. This is one of the two swimming pools.


The sunset.


The sleep.



The morning beach.


The local kid.


The afternoon pool. A pool among the villas.

The SGD400 per nite Trip

The flight.


The plane.


The limo.


The wait for private boat to island. Free internet now as you can see that I uploaded this blog.

Strange Thai Ad

Dun ask me.. i have no idea...

Songkran 2007

This is my 3rd Songkran here. For Bangkok, Songkran festival is declared from the 13th to 16th April. As usual, there will be loud E-San (north east) music on all the little streets. Everyone will be drunk and dancing, even in the middle of the road stopping traffic. This year, I learned something new. Normally during this festival, Thai people will pay their respects to the elders. The elders will reach their hands out, forming a bowl like structure with both palms faced up. The young will pour water over them, and good wishes shall be exchanged. Of course, you can opt to hose the grandmother over with the fire hydrant until her bra snap and tehteh (breast) goes behind but that won’t be very respectful.

There will be many more Songkrans to come. There will be many more for me to be immersed in. I am in my room typing this away. As the music played on out there, as I listen to the high pitched strumming of E-San, I am living the festival, I am living my holiday, I am living my dream.


Street outside my apartment.


Even the security guards was not forgiven. He was out on the main road looking for taxis to be called into the apartment. No one dared come to the main street for taxi.



Mobile water spraying unit.







Cones put out to prevent people from killing themselves under influence of alcohol. Party animals standby beside the streets, lurching out without warning on cars and motorcyclist.



Mobile water spraying unit.


Biking teenage gangs, girls were wet - see through shirts, that was the part I love most about Songkran.

Thai Seaweed

When women wears her bikini, especially if it is white, and her inverted triangular portion reveals translucently her hair growth, it is referred to as seaweed by the Thais. How very interesting.

To be a Thai Monk

I have attended many of these ceremonies. Every once in a while, I will be invited to a lunch or dinner celebration. Sometimes, it is in Bangkok, other I did have to drive gig and her mum a hundred kilometers to a secluded temple in another province. When a man comes of age, his parents will want him to undergo monk-hood. And if he agrees, it is an occasion to be proud of and a celebration will be held. Thais believe that if their son undergoes this stint, he will bring good luck to the family. Often, just before one gets married, if he has not already done the monk-hood thing, his parents will often try to force him to do so. This is because if monk-hood is done after marriage, the superstitious benefits will have to be shared by the wife’s family as well. So better take more now, then to take less after marriage. You can be a monk for any period of time. Over the weekend, a week, 3 months etc. Attending an occasion like this is much like attending a Chinese wedding, or a “mun-yue” (full moon party for baby). You give money or ang-pows.

I don’t think I wanna undergo monk-hood. They are not allowed to wear underwear. Although it may be cooling, I think this condition exposes you to mosquito bites where you don’t want them, especially if you are snoring in the night, saliva drooling, legs wide apart. For a man, monk-hood means 200 over rules to follow. Women in Thailand have their version of nun-hood. Gig does this once a year if time permits. I asked her… so if monks dun wear underwear, what about woman? Of course she gave me that god-gonna-slap-you-in-face-look and explained nuns only have 8 rules to follow. So they can be excused from feeling like a swaying papaya tree in the temples.

I Just Fired my Technician

A Thai once told me "Do you know why Thailand is the land of smiles? Because when you speak English to us, we don’t understand you, so we just smile back."

How true. Last week, I fired my technician because he keeps vanishing during important work days. I send an SMS to him during his absence. "Don’t need to come to work anymore, I’m sorry."

He replied "You are welcome." .. ?????? WTF.

It’s hard to find a perfect to anything I guess. No one is 100% perfect and we just have to live with their inconvenient flaws. There is still not one good technician/engineer I can find in Thailand. Hate to say this, but most of them are simply lazy and irresponsible. The one I fired was eerily afraid of girlfriend. We work spans of late nights and continuous hours on site without going home. But this guy had his girlfriend come to the site and waited out for him, not just on one occasion. Then they would end up in a big quarrel and he had to leave, tools and in-completed work, everything left for the rest in a disorderly manner. Why so afraid? Why no backbone? My Thai workers told me that it could be because his entire family relied on this girl who drove a new Camry for financial support. How sad to be a man like this. Not just his life, but his family’s life in the hands of a women. But they also told me that’s the way it is here in Thailand. Eat a bowl of soft rice, popular scenario for men of Thailand.

Guess finding the perfect engineer is like finding the perfect girlfriend. A perfect girlfriend should have perfect breast. When she sits for dinner, her boobs must be able to rest on the table. If she cannot attain that feat, she got no breast. If her boobs do land on the table, but extends to midway of the table, they are not breast. Her nipples must be pink and perfect. Not too big, not too small. Small nipples are considered mosquito bites. Any nipple bigger then you can stuff into your nostrils will be considered ugly. .. WTF.. WTF am I talking about.

Ok.. I am stress.

April in Thailand

Mention Thailand to any girl in Singapore and the first thing that comes to mind is cheap branded bras, cheap panties. So cheap you can wear them, then make them table cloth the very next day. Whether you wash them before you do so depends on your level of hygiene and pervertness.

Its April in Thailand. There is a great festival now and I am not talking about Songkran (water festival). Its – cheap bras and panties on sale festival. During the first week of April every year, a certain part of Bangkok will have nightly bazaar. Seems only the locals know it so the foreigners don’t get the good deals. The roads will be cordoned, no access to cars and people comes like invading red army ants. Here you can find extremely cheap garments, things from factories overruns, huge discounts on branded outfits, etc. Gig and the horde of SYT (sweet young things) were yakking about it. I’ve never been there before, I hated crowds. Gig will go and buy undergarments by the kilos. What’s with girls? They have so many bras and panties and it never seems enough. We guys wear our underwear till they have some ventilation holes for our balls before we considered them expired. During work, we guys can wear one single underwear for few days at a go till flies or some unknown insects gather round your crotch if you stand still. If underwear does not look like its decaying, we wear them. We are loyal to our underwear but girls discard them like they are tissue paper.

I, NRIC blab laaa bla, pledge my diligence to my underwear, from the day I buy it, shall love and care for it, wear it, wash it, swap sides and wear it, till it perforate with holes, and still wear it, until it can no longer hold my balls, before I throw it away.

Lets go Shit

There is such a place called Bang Sai. Well Bang Sai back home means Go-Shit. I just had to stop my car and take his picture. Can’t help it. Too darn funny.

Hotel Pok Pok

These are the normal Thai fug joints that I did mention before in previous blogs and now I have pictures to show. Been working on site for 2 weeks now and stayed several nights in such accommodations. We normally finish our work at ungodly 5am. Need some good sleep and a good bath.



Driving into pok pok hotels, the place will normally be of near total darkness. Then the attendant will eagerly appear like a ghost from thin air. With his torch, he will attentively guide your car over to an empty house, torch swinging excitedly. Slide your car into the porch, give the usher the THB$400 (SGD$16) and you have the room. In the next 10 minutes, he will arrive with overly size towels which are supposed to be your blanket for the night. I think the towels are not meant to keep your warm, but to wipe your eruptive cum when you are done with your bitch on bed. A lone bottle of mineral water will be provided as compliments. If you have arrived alone, he might ask if you want rabbit or chicken (in Thai of course). Rabbit means young fresh teenage girls while chicken means the more experienced older types. The toilet might have glass walls, depending on which room your take. A cheap attempt on a classy feel. It even has water running down the glass but that won’t be working as the water pump would have given up on live long ago. The shower head in the bathroom is normally moldy old. The pipe will tension and swing the shower head to suicide position. Water spraying directly onto the water heater on the wall so you might get electrocuted when shampooing and the rabbit will rob your wallet and leave.



Translucent glass walls.. I had trouble shitting. I could see my workmates in the room. They can see me sitting and shitting. They can smell me.

A Debut with the Sea

I am going for the above. A not so well known island off Phuket I will go. I don’t care if that is one of the most expensive resorts in Phuket even for a Singaporean. I need my brain activity to cease functioning at extreme thresholds of burn out. My debut with the sea is next month and I am looking forward. Meanwhile.. I am cleaning shit.

Statistics: There is a 90% chance that, when working with Thais on crucial projects, will always result in the shit hitting the fan. No one does anything to prevent the shit from splattering and no one ever thinks ahead. Sometimes, it’s not about the shit hitting the fan, but the fan being put into a pail of shit and turned on. Correction…. Make that a bunch of fans being put into a pail of mushy shit and turned on.

Anyway, back to the resort. It cost THB$10,000 per night. That’s a hefty SGD$400 but I’ll go anyway, I deserve self indulgence to reward my worn soul. It was a recent tour event held at one of Thailand’s many convention halls. Being smart now, I parked my car and took the MRT. It’s wiser to do that and I encourage all foreigners in Bangkok to do that where possible. It really saves a lot of time compared to being stuck in jams. Remember, Bangkokians prefer to live their lives out in cars.

Booth of the mentioned resort looks empty. Then I made contact. And only after that, curious onlookers came and suddenly there was a small crowd. I hated crowds. See, in Thailand it’s like this. Anything that looks extremely elegant gives conclusion to pricy tag and no one will dare come. Face value thing exist here like among mainland yellow people, so better not to ask if think cannot afford. But when conversation already in progress, hang close and listen without ever having to loose face with unintended shocking expression revealing monetary status when answered on the price tag.

Filled the forms and made the deposit. Seems like I was the poorest fellow there. I had Gold card. The other two high-so (high society) customers were paying with their Platinum. My accountant has a pay of below THB$20,000 and she’s got a Platinum – a Platinum with a credit limit of THB$40,000 (SGD$1600)…. guess that explains the inferior standards of banks in Thailand.

Most of the resorts on show were sub THB$1000 per night. Those were very crowded. It was a fair for Thais. Printed on some brochures “price for Thai People Only”. The standard Thai travel budget is of this level. In such resorts you will find mostly Thais and the handful of foreign backpackers. Wise on money. I tracked back my time spent in Thailand and surveyed my experience. Normally Thai people stay in sub THB$500 accommodations. I, of course stayed in many before during site work and they are really crappy. Most of these hotels have a small basket with packets of condom for convenience. However, I did not use them to accident fuck my fellow workmates no matter how drunk. You could also rent such rooms by the hour, typically about THB$200. Accommodation at THB$1000 is considered expensive. Anything above is ludicrous on the wallet of Thais.

THB$10,000 per night is 10 times that of ludicrous. I think I am shit stupid to pay for that kinda hotel. THB$10,000 I could rent a local apartment for two months, even three. Goota go, gotta try, gotta indulge.

Insurance No Buy

Visited one of Gig’s uncle in hospital yesterday. Darn scary, his life slowly being eaten away by colon cancer. Gotta eat more vegetables boys and girls. I asked them if the uncle was on insurance. No. Thais don’t buy insurance. Why? Waste of money. The money could be used better on current things – they said. So what do they do when one falls sick and is in need of money for a major surgery? They will borrow from all relatives around. The family bond is strong and all, they expect, will help. This is the mentality here. Insurance companies may think such is a big market of unexploited opportunities but the fact is that only a fraction of the minority well educated pool of Thais are into buying policies. Such is the trend here that on such a low salary scale, priorities are put forth on immediate things such as food, lodging, transport, fashion and for the middle income - entertainment. Even the near fifties population does not have savings to fall back on and dependability on others is a strong inherent trend. Why do they not plan for the future? Two simple answers. One which is just being unable to because one is financially as it is. Second, which is majority and from what I gather around me is that, why worry about future? Why think ahead. Just relax, don’t worry be happy. Worry later.

What’s a good business for the population? Credit companies seems to be doing very well, there are so many of them here. And when one cannot service the loan and is faced with a penalty that could end in jail? Borrow from loan sharks. Eventually still unable to recover the situation? Sell body, sell daughter. It is still very popular to sell daughters. It is still good luck to be having a daughter then a son. A daughter can generate income for the family through simple ways when compared to a son. It is rumored the stall near where I work selling Thai papaya salad also sell their daughter. I finally understand why there are countless TV jokes where scantily dressed busty girls pound the salad so hard she made her boobs look like a wild Viking ride.

Go borrow, go beg, go steal if out of options. Such is life here. Sad, it’s an unfair world one would say. But hey look, when is the world ever fair? Entrepreneurs in this era so glorified by media in fast paced countries. Ever wonder what it takes to be one? Money from the spoon stuck in your asses dears. These facts of Thai lives mentioned, are the exposed reality of things revealed through enough span of time in this land of smiles. We used to be able to only see the lighter side of Thailand as packed tourist on our vacations.

Conservatives of Thai Girl

I was driving when my gig was chatting to her girlfriends behind. Me the only alpha male in the herd of chatty young things. The conversation grew stranger with every click of the odometer. They were talking about g-strings. Frankly, I never have or will wear one, I fear my balls may get entangled on that thread like apparel and I bet they will turn green and die eventually of strangulation. Seems like the only one in the herd that ever wore a g-stirng was gig. The rest were asking her funny questions like ain’t that uncomfortable, don’t people get to see your butt meat when in skirts? Does it feel weird to have your butt hanging freely and an assortment of other very extraordinary and wonderful questions. Well, since there were only three passengers, I would assume then from simple conclusion that 66.66% of Thai girls have never wore a g-string before.


Its Thailand, where when going for a swim, girls are in full t-shirt and shorts, padded bras and panties within. Daring bikinis are only seen in hot tourist zones but never in a normal local setting.

King Naresuan vs LKY

The second part of this trilogy movie was out. I went to watch it. Finally for the first successful time in Thailand, I watched a Thai movie with English subtitles available. The King, still a prince then, was of righteous and virtuous royalty. Being sabotage many times over by new King of Hongsawadee (Burma’s strong city), the big bully who continually waged war on all other small cities, he managed to sway some small cities over to his side. To wage an unfair war on Hongsawadee, an army of 500,000 to a small strength of 30,000. He was intelligent as hell with his war strategies and knocked the life out of many the enemy whose only strategy was headstrong stubborn attacks. Thus eventually, he gained the independence for Autthaya (the stronger city in Thailand back then), away from the crutches of a higher control - freedom. The final scene was that of the King, who was passed down a secret weapon, a rifle well over the height of a man. And from across a wide river, he shot the general on the opposite force dead. It stirred something in me, that I am proud to live in this land. The history of Thailand is rich and original, and I felt for the bravery of the past wars. I will eagerly await part III, to learn the full history of Thailand and how her provinces came to be as now. There is identity in Thailand, there is the courage to be proud of. There is the language that only Thailand speaks, originality again. Part III will only be out in December, to coincide with the King’s birthday. Such loyalty in Thailand, such unconditional love for the King.

Now… Singapore… what culture, what history? Singapore is but a mongrel of cultures. We have no originality and no rich history. No bravery and only the war that Japan came was more like a takeover then a fight. And it took the Americans to defeat Japan on the other side of the world leading to a natural surrender on Singapore. The only thing we have is money and now we throw at other peoples’ faces. The Anti-Singapore sentiments grow stronger in Thailand each day. Yesterday I read in the news that there was a group of protesters demonstrating against the use of Thailand for Singapore’s Air Force training northeast. They carried the signs that read “Singapore Get OUT”, “Thailand is not for Rent”. They burnt the Singapore flag and stepped on it. They made a voodoo doll of Lee Hsien Long and burnt it. And the Thailand papers reported that in Singapore, the remains of an elderly woman were found. She died alone. Her foot bones were found on the two sides of the toilet. The rest of her bones were found in the toilet bowl. So what I wrote about the Singapore Dream II is but coming true.

Ok… the only thing I proud for Singapore… our language. That one got abit originality, but again it’s a mongrel of languages. There was a show called Windtalkers, where American soldiers spoke in code and the enemy could not understand. If Singapore got war, no foreign enemy will be able to decipher what we say. We do not need any encryption technology, we are Cocktalkers.

So, if we were to make patriotic movie about the history of Singapore for the people, I am afraid it would only meant failure. Or the government could pass a rule to force all to watch or be thrown in jail, which will be success. There will be no substance, and the ending scene of the Singapore Movie would probably be that with a background of PAP logos, of LKY shouting some famous hokkien mother versus on some ah-bengs who stuck chewing gum on his new found MRT toy.

TicKam Thai (Thai Lucky Draw)

This is how they do it. Seemed home made to me. Sold at local joints such as the neighborhood coffee shop for THB$2 (SGD$0.80) per ticket. Just pick one and open it. Can get to win rather stupid things like Redbull, Pepsi, dangerously cheap alcohol and what not. We won a bottle of that inexpensive whisky after lunch.

Yellow Supremacy?

Three days in Singapore now. And to think that Thailand has no Chinese New Year atmosphere, Singapore is worst. What festive mood where there when there were no firecrackers. What festive mood when you are controlled and can’t celebrate like a real Chinese, your cultural and all? At least I was woken by a thousand loud firecrackers 6am on the eve of New Year, some rare Chinese in Bangkok, tradition preserved and freedom.

Taking a flight now is a lot like taking a bus. In the waiting room I was, no plane in sight. I asked "Flight delayed?". "No delay sir, 10 minutes plane coming." And true enough she did, taxing to a stop, letting the passengers off, and a fresh bunch of us in. And then flew. And repeats at the next port. Scary if you think about where the maintenance and inspection time has gone. One screw loose, one engine drop off the wing, bye bye world.

I stared around, I scanned the people of Singapore. I closed my ears and I see Thailand. Hey. We are all the same. Take away the speech and the yellow looks Thai Chinese, descended from the mainland. The brown just look like local Thais, true people of the land. The black.. cannot hide… I know they came from India. In fact, a thousand years ago, I think there were only the brown throughout this region and that they are now separated by the line of religion, language and nationality.

I have to admit, we Chinese are assholes. We infiltrated the other lands. We spread all over like wild monkeys, driven by greed. Thais told me in the old days, no one worked hard. All is easy, a farm, some food, simple enjoyments, life in nature. And when we Chinamen came, we drove the economy up, and the locals were left with no choice, but to reluctantly work harder. Or then be left in the slumps of modernization which many are in as now. Australia again, Chinese and all now. Land prices doubled over five years. So how’s the easy Aussie life coping? Work harder, work longer, kill the chings. Even at young, we Chinese are thought to be competitive. I was at the pool, a father forced his children to compete and timed them. Crazy Singaporeans, nothing better to do, in fact, really nothing better to do. One up side, we are smarter, professional, efficient and cunning. Bad for others. Want proof? Chinese New Year in Singapore, who’s been left to work? My sister ordered pancakes from Macs, delivered for breakfast. Then came them without butter or syrup. She called complained. Then came a free delivery. Same missing items. She called, was put on hold forever, she gave up on them brown brothers. I bet if we got the third delivery, it will come with mutton curry. Anyway, we Chinese – industrious ambitious ASSHOLES.

Why? Too regimental. My mum, Singaporean, Malaysia PR. Drove KL car in. Got stopped by police. Was told the rule Singaporeans cannot drive foreign cars in Singapore. How the fuck was she supposes to know? No second chance give, ignorance is not an excuse. They sent a letter three months later to her home in Malaysia. Ordered her to Singapore court. She pleaded guilty. Fined SGD$300. Fuck u lawmakers of Singapore. May your mother sleepwalk off the balcony, fall traumatically on a pole penetrate into her chow cheebye and out her mouth, like in Cannibal Holocaust. May she then burn in hell and when you swim, she drags you down. You wife/husband and your children down. Fuck u lawmakers in Singapore. Why so many of us left Singapore… now I know why. It’s a cage and you put toys in there for them blind Singaporean rats to occupy themselves with. Why not put the rule book at causeway and make every entrant read them for one hour and undergo a test before permitted to enter then. Fuckers.

Yellow supremacy? Yellow nothing better to do in Singapore. Rat race life. The chase for materialisms. My friends, all in the chase till death. I choose to be simple and to experience the true meaning of happy-hood.

A Coffee Story

Here’s an interesting story I read from the menu in one of the cool coffee outlets I visited in Bangkok. Could be propagated wrongly due to bad picture quality…


Men began to drink coffee in the 12th century in Africa. A legend says that around the year 1400, a shepherd in Ethiopia named Kaldai noticed his goats jumping merrily after they ate a red fruit. He tried to eat it and after that, felt merry and fucked all his goats, both male and female. His wife, angry, then gave the red fruit to the priest who baked it to reduce its powers. But perceiving its attractive smell, he pounded it and put it in the water to extinguish the fire. He tried to drink that water and felt vigorous and fucked the watching wife, all of the shepherd’s goats, the shepherd himself as well as the priest’s pet dog. Later it was propagated by merchants who drank and fucked each other and whatever goats they can find around the immediate area…..

I can’t read from that image anymore.. words too small …