Saturday, July 28, 2007

Footbon Thai & Aussie

Girl: Friend of me going to watch match football Thai & Australia at stadium.
Me: Friend you is girl?
Girl: Yes.
Me: Wow, this good na, Thai people love country real real, go support county Thailand.
Girl: No, farang (Caucasians) handsome more then men of Thai, have many many girls go watch.

…! ? Makes me really wonder if the many people that I see in cinemas watching movies are going for the story, or just watching Brad Pitt in motion. Bet they don’t understand the movies at all.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Downtown Thai Roads

Thai roads are a nightmare for foreigners. It is very common for us to be driving in the wrong direction. Road direction changes according to time of day, bus lanes are opened to traffic from X to Y time, some lanes changes direction during period X, can’t turn left or right into soi from X to Y time, traffic to turn right at cross junction blocked, U-turn blocked, lane blocked, road blocked and Z marks the spot where you hand a fine to the police. There are many makeshift signs put up along the roads, especially in downtown areas. I was on the left most lane one morning behind a bus when I saw a wooden sign with scribbling at the lane’s edge in middle of road. Traffic was a standstill and there came the brown police, always in his fake Ray Ban shades. He looked at me and pointed across the sign. About 15 seconds passed without any brain activity within my skull. Then he showed his big eyeballs and pointed across the sign from left to right at almost 10 swipes per second with his index finger. His eyes grew very very big when I realized I must be doing something wrong and therefore decided to edge out onto the next lane. It is assumed by all traffic authorities, that all foreigners can read Thai.

Bus lane… one other day, again these signs are in Thai writings. So the police stopped me at the junction and the first thing I did was put my hands together and said in as lousy a Thai as I could “sarrrr wat deee cup”. He looked through my documents and then started shooting away that I can speak Thai because I have a Thai license. I tried as best I could not to break character and smile at him holding my “I England Only” stand. For your info… the Thai driving test can be conducted in English as an option for foreigners. Unlike Singapore’s Traffic Police Force which lives by the rules of “Ignorance is not an Excuse” or “I didn’t get laid yesterday nite and so I will take it out on you” plus “I got a big butt plug forcefully shoved up my arse now so don’t mess with me” or “ants are chewing my testis so don’t fu*k with me”, he was a kind policeman and smiling as he explained to me as best as he could about bus lanes rules. Coz… I had to pay for the lesson… but I paid the fine happily and he even gave me proper directions to my destination Hotel.

I now learned that certain bus lanes downtown can be used by cars only during 6pm to 6am. I have however, still not learned how to identify these bus lanes.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

The Black Car II

Ok…. Definitely… some Thais are really fascinated with picking up dead scantly dressed women. This sticker inset, is all over the place as well. I believe it to be modified from the “volunteer sticker” as shown in the big picture. I think its nuts.

Anyways.. people die all the time here for weird reasons unheard of in Singapore. Big storm, bill board falls, people smashed. Then there was the recent case of a young girl who accidentally reversed her car into the pond at some parking lot. She drowned because door cannot open. And of course, people are still getting blown up every week in the south near Malaysia. There was this touching story of a police who accidentally shot a kidnapped girl and decided that he should become a monk. Then motorcycle accidents all over as usual because the irresponsible rides on opposite directions, rides three without helmets, accelerate on full speed like in movies zig zagging across traffic when a police tries to stop them. And I encountered a hit and run by one of these punksters out the front my office on a recent night. Rode on opposite direction with girlfriend as pillion, banged into my front as I braked hard not to run him over. Instead of stopping, he sped away fast and furious squeaking at high RPMs, in oncoming traffic for fear that I asked him to pay for the damage. Life is cheap for him, no helmets no responsibilities for the pillion.

Dear all, if you ever encounter a rider with no helmets riding into the path of your car and he happens to crash into you, I encourage you to run him over and forget the brakes, then reverse and run him over again. You will be doing him a favor making him reborn as a better person. And after that, hang a dolly behind your car.

Dolly behind Car
The Black Car

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Thais Love the Plastic Surgeon

Often on later night TV, you will get to see talk shows where they invite some already famous stars and talk about everything. And definitely some when in the program, photographs of before-famous will be flashed on the screen. You realized most of the time something is different, especially the breast size and the skin tone.

Thai people are very ok getting cut up and modified. One of gig’s SYT (sweet young things) friends had her ears redone, pulled back. That’s because she has (had) ears that, if capable of flapping, she will be airborne.

In hospitals when I visited the doctor for flu, the walls will be a jargon of colorful promotions with prices and pretty pictures. Breast enlargement THB4000 – 7000, double eyelids THB600, vagina modification / tightening / make like virgin / etc etc etc… about THB3000. They even have finger extension for THB 2400 and if they can do that to fingers… of course they can do that to your precious. Penis implant… THB150!!!! SGD$ 6 to make it what… big and fat? Endless possibilities under the surgeon’s knife, can I have vagina for a face thus reviving into reality the legendry Hokkien chee-bye-bin? Incredible prices… kind scary cheap to believe.

SYT friend of gig accidentally pushed her ear a little hard. Now she has one flappable ear. She has to redo the surgery.

Genetically, some people here have nostrils that can fit their thumbs in comfortably to dig the nose shit out. Noses are rather flat and holes are not like us Singaporeans, angled down. They have the base of their nose slanted up at steeper angle so riding on motorbikes means forced air induction of the normally aspirated lungs. My Chinese Thai friend told me this applies only to some of the darker native Thais from certain regions where their jaw bones are generally broader too. Imagine.. brown version of Spongebob Squarepants. So they will go surgery for their jaws and work on the nose. The general population here have a darker skin tone too. Thus many of them spend a lot of money going to spas to make themselves fair. And as for the fairer Chinese here, it’s popular to work on their boobs (most Chinese women have cute tiny pieces of meat on chest we called breast).

The idea of getting cut up and re-plastered like clay model eeks me. Why don’t they start from young? I have heard that the skulls of new born baby is soft like clay… so that means bones are soft I presume. So why not work the head of the new born like a plasticine and you can get that smaller jaw line. Pull the chin for that masculine look. Knock in the eyes with the base of your palm for deeper eye sockets like the Caucasian. Thumbs and fingers on the forehead to get Klingon from Start Trek looks, or enlarge the forehead to look like Chinese deities? Want your kid to be tall then pull the legs with some mild strength… or pull the precious so he will have 30 inch dick when reach adolescent. For identical twins, punch holes on their scalps with your fingers, one indent – Baby 1, two indents – Baby 2. But never have three indents or they become blowing ball.