There and Back Again – Similan Islands

Similan Islands? No, not in Hokkien (In Hokkien, it is…. What Testicles Islands… ). Similan Islands is not a chain of giant buoyant testicles floating west of Thailand. It is a chain of beautiful island nestled in crystalline waters west of Khao Lak. One of the last few beautiful gems in Thailand, they are open for visits only from the months of November till April. An attempt in conservation, an attempt to keep the coral reefs intact. Anyone can get there to a tune of THB2,000 for a one day trip, the journey beginning from the piers in a town within Khao Lak by the name of Tahplamu (Thap-la-mu). Getting to Khao Lak in a crowded van from Phuket will set you back by another THB500. You gotta get there early, the only boat leaves at 9. And so we took off in our rented Accord, don’t want no crowded van.



Unlike Singapore, if you did walk into any military facility you did be shouted and probably shot, here in Thailand, we just waltz into the naval base where it doubles as a pier for passengers boarding the speed boat ride to testicle islands….. I mean Similan. The journey took a good hour and a half, all heads on board dozing off left and right. The braless Caucasian in her so loose top puke herself all over. And as she waggled her way to the toilet, all the passengers were treated to a show of swaying papayas. It was enjoyable.



There are two types of waters in Thailand. Most will be green, but Similan is blue. It was snorkeling time and into the waters we went. Swimmers or not, we went in. And some were swept by the strong currents to far far away. Be warned on such trips, stay around your boat. And keep your head up constantly. For anyone not familiar with trips like these, be told now that the sea is not your private backyard. Boats will come and go and can run you down unaware. So please wear bright yellow bikini or trunks. Or stick a flashing torchlight up your ass. Be a beacon in the so blue waters.


Dare to bare, even the Asians did. In our conservative bringing up, this is not the norm. But they did. And they swam free topless in the ever blue inviting waters. Borderless, free to sway and unbounded. Perky but well tanned Asian flesh. I would love to see my friends doing that someday.




And to Donald Duck Island we headed. Someone put a large rock the shape of a duck on top a rocky hill (just a matter of speech, no one could have put it there). And so came the name the Island was christened. Further up hill, some one else put a very large rock precariously balanced right at the top. And so we were invited to climb to that rock, young old male and female. Unaware of the treacherous journey, we went, barefooted! On damped soil we stepped, on sharp rocks we made our feet gripped. I ain’t no monkey but the crossing I must make. Some passage required us to hold on to ropes to go around large rocks, the plummet to oblivion a possibility. We were all instant professional cliffhangers. And so atop the hill next to the well balanced rock, the view was beyond words (probably because scared until balls gone and no words can come out from mouth). Crowd control was never present. An accidental nudge will cause someone to cliff dive into cliffs. But no one cared, this is Thailand. We did the ritual of putting sticks to support the rock, in a testicular believe … I mean Similan believe that our wish will come true as long as our stick holds the rock in place.


The trip, one of my never ending crusade to visit all the nice islands of Thailand. My journey continues.

Full photo sets here under Similan Nov 2009.

The Cheapest of Phuket

Cheap has never been a word related to Phuket and so many will think. Was on a short trip recently for some errands down the paradise island. With rental cars going at an average of THB1,200 a day, I asked a local car rental “is there anything cheaper? Old old also never mind.”


The rattling Suzuki 2 seater 4WD arrived in the morning on the grand lobby of the hotel. THB800 per day. I signed the papers and drove happily from naught to a hundred in like 120 seconds. The gear shift was rough during attempted F1 accelerations, the engine screaming out “oh my god what are you doing to me???!!”



Driving through scattered downpours, pity the tourist who came during this wrong September season. I breathed the sea air, I looked into the horizon, my life is great and my gig sharing the experience. The gale was the onslaught of the next coming rain, on the edge of the quiet mountain I stood against the greens. This is the homeland in my heart, Singapore is just a small dot far away.





To Rawai which I have never forgotten, down the slopes at exhilarating speeds we drove. And there still waiting for me, the wet market in the hidden corner only exposed to explorers such as I. Four pieces of monster Tiger Prawns, for THB200 (SGD8) I got them for. Over opposite to the sea dwellers selling their catch, the bag of the sea catch I handed over to an eatery. For THB50 (SGD2), the sizzling prawns arrived on my table within ten minutes, I gouged the sweety meat out and down them with cold beer. My lunch, my cheap lunch, in Bangkok it would have cost THB800 or so. We enjoyed the simplicity, the farang raising his beer for a cheer as I snapped away at the locality.



On a mountain top the next day we were, our final drive to the airport my errands were done. North Eastern food in south of Thailand, opposites of worlds but yet they compliment the scenery. This place famous for friend chicken and fried minced prawns, so ordered we did and lunched high on the rocks where it met the sea. The blue the green and the extensive horizon accompanying.


I can come here now anytime, a short flight from Bangkok and a small dent in the wallet. Such is life I will mention again, Singapore is just a small dot far away.

Brown Water Rafting

The long distance drives, an ever enjoyable part of the occasional holiday, the perks of living and working in Thailand. So many places and will one ever be done with all of Thailand? A couple of months back, gig and band of giggling squeaky friends decided to go white water rafting. Meaning many more squeaks and screams that pierce the tranquility of nature.


The business all started when some bored farangs long ago decided to engage in adrenaline pack activities within the peaceful life of the river dwelling folks. Then the local Thais, some ever so bursting with the spirit of entrepreneurship (aka…. desperate, must squeeze money from every possible idea), these white water rafting operations catering to the mundane lives of Thais popped up wherever the rivers looks dangerous. Phitsanulok is voted as one of the best places to engage in these lets-try-to-terminate-our-lives activities. The river is so much wilder compared to the others, I was told by the folks. With the arrival of rainy season starting after May, the brown water churns the excitement notch up depending on rainfall. The operator, a mid fifties aunty who happen to own a plot of land with a beaten hut along the river, advised always to call them a day before to check on conditions for sometimes there will be no rain, the river will be flat. And sometimes with too much rain, no one will dare to bring a bunch of inexperienced screamers down the river. Especially so if one knows the shoddy natures of such operators, anyone who had been on the river can be qualified as a guide, no certification, no proper safety or rescue training.


The kid who took me to all the spots where I snapped away as the dingy splashed and spun about arrived, he told me on occasions he too lead groups down the winding waterway. How it all started I asked. He said he learned from relatives after a few trips himself with them. The journey began …. anywhere I guess. It was a shady spot picked beside a bridge, the century old tree tall and filtering the sunlight. One will be given a short 10 minutes course on safety, what to do when you fall off the raft and how to row and such. But they never did tell you what if you fall off, got your one foot stuck in rocks and the powerful water push onto your body and snaps your shinbone like a twig (ok…. I have riverphobia….). A short training and it was expected everyone could row in synchronism. Imagine a panic crab with all legs attempting to move in all different directions within the same space-time.


The adventure began and so I drove all over with my kid guide to all accessible spots he could find. Slippery rocks, I jumped, skidded and skipped, gravel roads, my Volvo attempted to be 4WD. And so I asked about the raft, it was imported I was told. And what about repairs and such as tears will be inevitable with years of usage? Is there an authorized branch abouts there run by farangs or so to carry out the repairs? And he said “No, we use the glue……” .


It was near to two hours, the raft floated down the last peaceful leg of the river at six in the evening. Arrived on shore, the aunty brought us ice cold coffee. She was a kind person, Thai Chinese, and even prepared us a moo-ka-tak (BBQ pork) dinner waiting complementary. It was only during later when we ate did we discover the pork was green. That ain’t no complementary dinner, that was leftover probably they could not finished the day before. Stingy Chinese…..


The raft was left to dry in the shed, we had our sleep in the so hard beds. It was morning, it was time to return to Bangkok. Along the bends the rubber was left to sun bake. The folks supplement their income as rubber tappers. Lunched on the floating eatery as we gazed onto the brown river. It was an experience, yet another first. Into the raft I did not however, I did not want to fall over and go crouch first onto protruding rocks hidden in the white waters. Star rating for the resort? If only there are meteor ratings that I would give.

Smelly River Scary Taxi

So, to avoid the jam, one would discover one of the local transport modes Thai uses. River Taxis. First of all, the little black water channels. One would think it is a giant drain. But hey, the water is all choppy, waves all churning thanks to the countless speeding long boast that goes about their daily formula one routine up and down the channel. Speed, no speed limit. Safety, no life jackets. What about paying attention to people boarding and alighting? No attention.

One lesson learned is that, don’t queue in lines. Just horde over to the boat when it arrives, everybody at one go, parallel to the arriving vessel. Then jump on, or alight as fast as you can, synchronize your timings with the boat movements as the side bangs onto the platform. No one to tell you, no one to guide you. You have to develop how-to-board-the-bloody-boat-instinct in a matter of seconds especially if this is your first time.

My lady friend queued up behind us. We jumped, she did so after. The boat separated, and she missed. Her little frame landed onto the rough wooden portside knees first. The attendant was next to her stunt fortunately and grabbed before she fell into the abysses. Worst will be if she did and the portside came slamming back to the platform, she caught between. Well, that’s life I was told. Near mishaps like these occurs almost every other day. Safety has never been a point as the captain races against time to net in as much money as he can. The race.

Thus the harrowing ride one would experience as the boats speed past each other doing last minute maneuvers like an acrobatic plane. And then there was a loud bang behind me. I turned to watch the tail leaving the concrete channel side, the metal structure had bent but so what, the captain continued his formula one routine. The looks on everyone’s face? Nothing except me, balls rolling down my pants.

But all in all it was good fun. You just gotta try it, it is a time saver.

Happy on Mothers Day?

Once again, the odd Mothers Day had come and gone last week, the day, coinciding with the Queen’s birthday. It was a Wednesday, it was a day where most families will bring their mothers out for a good happy dinner. Happy and hearty dinner….. and so it seems.

I forward my balls whole heartedly to all the Thai restaurants (except those posh and really well organized ones). Balls to you.

I was once in banquet, I know on coming holidays, the hotels and restaurants in Singapore will call up all their standby waiters on list. To be prepared, to be organized and to prevent logistical nightmares on these fully packed occasions. That’s in Singapore. We have brains.

In Thailand, if we analyze, most restaurants are run by the anyhow bloke picked off the streets without management training. So are most of the owners. They can manage herds of buffalos, people manage they cannot. What happens the on these holidays I advice one never to eat in the restaurants. I guarantee you misery on a happy holiday. Balls to the restaurants again now accompanied by my waving middle fingers (both hands).

You will on these occasions find that firstly, looking for a parking lot means extra contribution to global warming and the already polluted Bangkok. You circle for many orbits before you find one. This comes with added fun of ramming your side mirrors into stupid people who walked the narrow streets like their father owns the roads. Assholes.

You will then most likely be greeted by queues of people without reservations, you yourself inclusive. Having to wait more then an hour, many decide to leave and find the next restaurant. You see people holding on to their shaky grandmas with walking aids inching about. It is like motion in a tortoise pond. Shaky grandmas to people ratio, 1 is to 3. Walking aids to grandma ratio, 1 is to 2. Tortoise movement 100%. These poor old souls, they come, they go without eating.

And so you find a seat finally, that’s because it is already 8.30pm after turning yourself away from at least one or two previous restaurants. You sit and its 20 minutes before some one cleared the aftermath of the previous diners off your table. The old grandmas on the other tables enjoying the same anguishing moments of happy Mothers day as you, you wonder in their hunger if they pick the meat off the eaten pork rib the previous guys left behind while no one is watching.

There will be some, those angry sons who stand up and shout at waiters passing by, and to no avail as the waiters ignore. Your eye contact with the managers will quickly be cut off as he stared and linger elsewhere into shadowy corners as he is unable to cope. And orders will be taken but serve your food will not in the next decade. You witness tartar on the many grandmas’ teeth growing as they wait silently for their food. There will be little staffs attending to all the tables this you will know. And so the energy drains from the old folks and they could not even undergo photosynthesis to supplement their strength for it is night and however green their shirts or extra large bras can be. Many tables will be silent as anger and frustration turns the night darker then night. Some will run out of patience and without paying leave, the old folks unsteadily running on reserve lead away. Go back home, eat that Maggie mee. Curses to the restaurants. Happy Mothers day in Thailand.

One word for the Thai restaurants – Stupid.

Flood of Singapore Food

More… more Singapore food. In many of theses “high-so” shopping malls popping up, we get to see more of these setups. Kopitiam, they have the bread and butter plus coffee set. Singapore Chicken Rice… coming soon and will end soon. In their other branches I see elsewhere, only quiet and stillness. I have to say that the Thai Chinese chicken rice is much better that what’s offered here. Singapore Chicken Rice stall has other dishes such as Laksa and Fried Hokkien Mee. I will give the Fried Hokkien Mee a miss anytime, it just ain’t Hokkien enough.

This Car got Balls, Yellow Ones

Somewhere in my previous post, I did mention about Thai people hanging some dollies behind their cars and its significance (Dolly behind Car). Now here’s a new twist. Balls (lam par zhi) behind cars. Let me guess, he ran over someone’s testicles on the road. Both testicles went to heaven. Now he hangs the balls there, so that the spirit of the victim’s balls has a place to stay in instead of lingering around in his cabin.