Thursday, April 28, 2005

Tired of Answering

Ok... ever since i update my MSN nick to show that i am going back SG.. everyone has been bugging me about my exact ETA and departure. I show it with this picture better.

For Blog


Wednesday, April 27, 2005

1 Rai is 1600 Square Meters

Just learnt that land here can be as cheap as B$5000 for one rai (400x400meters). Imagine.. Singapore $200 (B$5000 = SG$200 for simplicity’s sake) to buy land? Buy my nose shit ah! I think it can’t even get u one piece of tile for that price. Well of course this is not the land prices in hot areas like Bangkok, Phuket and Changmai. But wow… say u have SG$1000 to spare, that means you can but about 5 rais of land. That is a immense 4sq km of land. Friggin hell… a land so big… 4km by 4km for u to run naked in and no one will know. Plant fruit tress, plant durains, rambutan, marijuana, a race course, big fug shop whatever. Build old folk home, I mean look, they gotta go somewhere eventually and in times of changes like this, more and more offspring prefer to live by themselves and it would been soon that old folks will follow the trend in other countries. Buy 5 rais of land, use ½ a rai for the main building and the rest of the 4 ½ for cemetery. Wow man… just cant get over this… one rai.. B$5000… culture shock.

Monday, April 25, 2005

40 Bucks Hangover

Hey… for SG$40… what can u get? One jug bourbon coke at Zouk and that’s it. Yesterday went for small drinks, well not exactly small considering that we finished a bottle. Black Label plus too many bottles of mixers to remember. All for just B$1070. Incredible... neber thought it can get so cheap.

Nothing much happened over the weekend except for work. Traveled long distance as usual and this time witnessed a dog kena run over by truck. It was not like how we imagined, intestines brains etc spluttering all over the road. First u see dog crossing road. Truck brakes. See black flip flopping mass below truck. Then see rolling dog come out from under truck. The dog was still in one piece, motionless, probably dead by then from all the knocking under the truck. It is the following vehicles that came along after that creates the intestine all over mess.

Sunday, April 24, 2005

I Cut a CD!!

Just got back from work site 500km away. Too tired to write blog. Will update u guys another day.

For Blog
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.
It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A.
You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal,
You can do whatever you feel ...

Friday, April 22, 2005

Pontianak Thai Version

Heard something interesting. In Malaysia, there are Pontianaks. Here in Thai, the top charting paranormal character are also Pontianaks (I didn’t really catch the Thai name of that.). Now what is new is that, unlike in Chinese believes that ghost like to hang around bamboo trees for god knows what reasons, Pontianaks here are afraid of them. This is because if they fly around the pointy outcrop, they may get their entrails entangled like a la-yang (kite) and be stuck there for good.

Be going to Kon Kean and back tomorrow for 2 jobs.

Uncle Rick was here yesterday and he put aeroplane big time on me this morning. Went to his hotel (I got lost for 78 minutes in total) only to realize he went to the airport already. Nambleh… was trying to call him all morning telling him I’ll be late but the puki neber turn on his mobile.. neber call me some more.

Have a good weekend guys.

Wednesday, April 20, 2005

No Cow Sense

U did be surprise how little knowledge of things many people have here. Yesterday was at a dinner in between meetings. We had a BBQ meal at some open-air restaurant. B$99 all you can eat.. SG$4… yipeee…. Eat until your pat tor explode.

Halfway through, the table was left empty as we were picking our food from the buffet line. Came back to table saw waitress pouring the glass of mineral water into our soup! She was about to pour the remains of chicken, cows and pigs in there when we quickly stopped her. Darn!

She then struggled to put the electrical plug back into the socket of the cooker but the metal rods were bent from age of usage. And so she took one of our metal forks and started poking all inside the live plug! She crazy or what??? My balls dropped instantly and shouted “mai-dai-mai-dai-lewang!!!!” (“Cannot cannot becareful!!”) That was when the dugong stopped and apparently she does know the dangers at all. Wah piangs!!!!

And fugging hell, in the afternoon, dunno who the F dunno how to shit properly in my office toilet! KNN, went to toilet for a pee, only to be greeted by a two-colored piece of shit lying beside the toilet bowl. Why would anyone do that???? No one in the office admitted to the act! Must I put CCTV in my office toilet or what? Do they really know how to shit? Why so darn fugging stoopid??? Perhaps the fellow has a genetic defect and have his bunghole growing out the left side of his butt cheek. Or his asshole is so holy powerful that the shit simply bounced out from the bowl after making its ballistic exit out of the body? What the F, it spoilt my lunch anyway.

Sunday, April 17, 2005

Surviving Songkran

Songkran Festival…. Yeahh… everyone take out ur little brother and spray mad at each other…. just kidding. The festival lasted for three days in Bangkok from 13th to 15th April. We decided to spend the time in Laos for we heard it was fun there and that they started early. Every area has different dates for the festival. For example, Pattaya has her festival last all the way until Sunday.

Pit Stop Kon Kean

Started journey 4am to avoid traffic getting out of Bangkok on Tuesday morning. Made a pit stop at Kon Kean. Had breakfast. Always wanted to show u guys their fantastic yet simple breakfast there.

Kon Kean Food - Chinese Sausage in Funny Bun
Chinese sausage in odd-looking bun.

Egg in a pan served with fish cake and Chinese sausage toppings. And to wash them down, we had salty orange juice. Till today… I still do not understand why they put salt in the orange juice.

Kon Kean Food - Egg Pan

It was only the 12th, one day before the actual Songkran, and we could already see trucks loaded with barrels of water having fun.


Laos Disco

Reached Laos in the afternoon. Our plan was to spend our time drowning each other from 12th to 14th April over there. The news was that Laos had started the festival early. On reaching, the place was strangely quiet. Taxi driver told us they only start on the 14th, the day on which we were going back. Sianz… neber mind.. find other things to entertain ourselves.

So, went to disco at night. Then realized that the inertial generated by the swaying rubbery stuffs around my waist does not allow me to synchronize with music that has ratings higher then 120 beats per minute anymore. Ok so waited for something slower. But when that happened can’t dance too. It was those great grandmother music that u guys never ever hear before in this lifetime of yours. Surprisingly, the teenage crowds twirled their hands and danced to that. Brain cannot comprehend the scene. Take a look at the following CD covers, u should get what I mean.

ISan Music

Laos Food

The second day, we had lunch, and it was some Vietnamese Laos food we had. Wrap a very delicious piece of fragrant grilled pork sausage in lettuce with raw garlic, cucumber and sauce to go along. Munch it down good.

Laos Viet Food

Went around town. Had fun zooming all over the place on scooter, as a pillion that is. Stopped by Mekong and sat by the river and enjoyed the cool weather. We were lucky, for the weather was kind.

Laos Dining

Laos friend ordered boiled eggs. These are not normal boiled eggs. They had developing chicks in there.

Laos Food - Chick in Egg

Laos Food - Chick in Egg

Laos Food - Chick in Egg

Legend has it that these potent stuff is suppose to make u “very the man”. Think u can knock small animals unconscious with ur manhood after eating them or something.

No… I did not eat… no way am I gonna touch them. I am happy with the performance of my manhood, no need for me to participate in Fear Factor.

Final day in Laos. Got on scooter rode to friend’s house. Everywhere, we saw groups of people gathered outside their house, dancing to loud music and watering anything that move pass them be it on wheels or not. Got splashed on the way. Got pail of water poured over. Very cold, balls shrinks.

Went to temple, sat behind truck. Bad idea. Underwear drenched totally. Winds blows, balls vanished.

Reached Bangkok 4am Friday morning.

Kao San Road

Woke up in afternoon. Decided to go office and get car. Can’t get out of house. Huge crowd at road entrance of apartment preying. Got security guard to go out onto the main road to flag a cab in for me. Bangkok is wilder then Laos. Really everywhere. Out side shops, outside houses, outside shopping centers, out side petrol stations and suicidal children hiding behind the telephone booths ambushing motorcyclist without concern for safety. Where there were music, there will be I-can-see-your-bra girls all drenched and dancing. Eye candies to me. Shorts darn high too. Weeeeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoeoe.

Evening time, bought cheapo water gun. Went to the infamous Kao San road with gig. Hands attacked my face from all directions. They just walked right up to u, said “sorry” first and then ur face become Amazon man. Everyone looked the same there. All wet, all white. Could see many, and I mean really many round beautiful neh neh pok hugged in their soaked little bras. Only problem, can’t really tell the gender of the owner.

Crowd level was like Swing Singapore. Could hardly move. Suddenly crowd cleared. Odd. That was when I saw flying beer bottles landing near me. Mini riot started by drunks. Innocent bloodied people ran. Crowd dug into any restaurant they could find along the road overturning tables in the chaos. Almost 50 meters of road was suddenly cleared as bottles were flung from both ends. 15 minutes into the lets-throw-bottles-onto-the-opposite-crowd’s-head and still no police came. I asked gig why. She replied it was normal. In my mind I wondered. What the heck do u mean this is normal???? A riot and not even a single police? They can’t get through the crowd or what? Well I guess if I live here, I must get used to such stuffs.

Broken glasses on wet road. Everyone were in slippers. Dun wanna get no glass stuck under my tender feet. So I left for the next party place, an area next to Kao San. Came across a musical fountain, everyone was gathered around. I approached and then knew why. Short of bringing my shampoo and shower cream, I had a good bath there.

The roads were jammed with cars. Everything was wet. Trucks that came along side by side became an aquatic display of sorts. Passengers on toot-toot were sitting ducks. Motorcyclist and pedestrians were easy targets. The victor goes to the water truck that water the plants alongside the roads, yes they were playing too.

What, when barking and fighting disperses and stops when u spray water at them? No, not dogs. Children. Saw two seven year olds fighting and that was what I did.

And so we wondered there through the night, had a dinner all soaked and wet. I could say Songkran was a rather wonderful experience if not for the flying bottle episode. Go Kao San again? Nay, no control. I don’t recommend u guys to go there too. Fugging dangerous and senseless. No toilet too. I wanna be on a truck next year.

Here are some more photos for your viewing peasure...

Songkran Preparation
Wrap all your stuffs like this, else die.

Songkran Aftermath
Songkran aftermath.

Songkran Aftermath
What your car looks like after Songkran. Full of powder.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Green Green Grass on The Otherside

I killed my Oral B toothbrush, the electronic vibrating kind that u stick up ur ass to feel good. Was slamming the battery cover back in place when it cracked open. Bought a new one, same brand. Very interesting. This one is a better version. No need batteries for it is rechargeable. However I was trying to find the metallic contacts, which connects to the charging, station and I can’t find one. It charges itself mysteriously without any physical electrical connection!!! Am very amazed. Charges itself by placing it in the magnetic fields generated by the charging station.

I remember those days in SG, when me and RK or gang feasted on buffet almost certainly at least once every month. And when I saw people who ate buffet alone, I always thought they were weird. How could it be enjoyable without company? Yesterday… I was at the other end of that thought.

Worked at home since morning. Skipped lunch and worked on until I could not understand what I was typing anymore at 4.30pm. Decided to take a breather and go shopping at Robinson’s nearby. Bought a bright blue shirt, the toothbrush mentioned above and browsed around. It was then 6 plus and I decided to have a Jap buffet alone. Never tried that before. Oishi I entered and it was only SG$14.

And then I started to learn the joys of eating alone.

I could eat without talking and taste every flavor of the salmon. I could contemplate on anything without being disturbed. It was peace. Man being a man, I stared at every cute chick that was in the vicinity. Its good to sit near the buffet line. You get to see the chicks come round the table ever so often. Looked opposite.. saw revealing sports wear at opposite table and wowowowowo low cleavage. Stared for a moment before decided to look up see face. Piangs.. Auntie.. 40+ years old! Jialat. Go home must wash eye. 2 o’clock low… with her back facing me, deep butt crack that holds a California Hand Roll nicely. Thai girls like to wear low cut jeans but sometimes they overdo it to reveal ah mah style panties. 7 meters, 3 o’clock. Teens gang. Nice flowing brownish golden hair there overflowing onto shoulders carried on slender body. Girl dressed in black. Most girls here have long colored hair even though the hot climate. Behind left, a chattering near the entrance. Group of 3 sexy early 20’s girls walked pass. Makeup thick and loud talking. Mini skirts and see through tops. Nose bleeds as I see them swaying tight asses. Cups A and B and a wee bit nearer to the chubby side. Fair skin, walks unmannerly. Club girls having dinner before going to work. 12 o’clock, buffet line. In her late 20’s hovering around the potato croquettes, pleasant looking dreamy eyes, decently dressed in slender flowing pants. The way she carries herself shows that she is normal working adult with decent job. Walk over to buffet line. See butt crack on the way. Birds eye view of restaurant. 70% female, of which 50% scored a 6 and above. Took chicken wings and that teapot soup. Walk back to table, slowing down on the way stared at butt crack.

I compared for a moment to Singapore….. the grass… is truly greener on the other side.

Pity the guys all stuck in Singapore. The world, or rather your life does not belong in a box dear friends… there are many other wonderful things out there and I am not just talking about girls. Look beyond that nose-shit land and discover life, as it should be.

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Blogger and MSN Spaces, Appear Two Place at One Time

Guys... U know lah, I’ve always used MSN Spaces until RK intro me to this. Well .. since I kept a hell lot of me old blogs there, I didn’t want it to stop on Spaces. I love Blogger, better controls and stuffs but I dun want to let go of MSN Spaces.

Now… here the trick. Set up E-mail Publishing on MSN Spaces. Setup Blogger to email every blog you create (BlogSend Address) to that secret MSN Spaces account of yours. That’s it… all done!

The Bong God Sold Me KFC

Not making fun of Thai names here. Was at KFC. Cashier’s name tag “BONGGOD” .. wow… Queen of Grass.

New menu… Garlic Pepper Drumlets… delicious… peppery… mmmmm. Just checked out the SG KFC menu… wahhh so you guys have Curry Crunch now… looks darn good too.

Back home… everything paper ware. Eat and throw away. Here, everything is still served nicely like old times in SG. Proper plates and proper cold metal cutlery instead of the almost certain to brake plastic knives that don’t really serve any particular purpose.

We use our hands eat like a glutton. Saliva strands mixed with what used to be recognizable chicken bridging across thin air as your fingers leaves that gobbling mouth of yours. Finger licking good oh yeah, as you suck every piece of dirt out from under your fingernails gathered from that last toilet visit. Micro fibers of white tissue blended with brownish……. er..…ok… I shall not go there.

When I first came here and ate like that, I felt like a dick standing out on a sea of flat CB. No one eats like I do. That was when I decided to tame my KFC-7-Month-Hungry-Ghost nature and feast with the tools of dinning etiquette. Ask me which I prefer? Hungry-Ghost version.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Lovely Flowers

Still, busy like fug until cock forget to wake up in the morning. I hate software… I want to open a restaurant business and have girls in bikini serve.

Anyway.. Songkran is next week and a lot of people are planning for holidays and etc. Total 5 days of holidays including the weekend. Some of my friends will be selling water at 5 bath a bottle at Kao San Road. Didn’t know u can make money like this. Other will be selling powder. What the heck is the powder for I asked. Was told that during the festival, they not only played water, but they spray you with powder as well, thus making you really messy.

Was calling all the hotels in Pattaya on Wednesday. Darn hotels all fully booked for the festival next week. Looks like I be stuck in Bangkok. Discovered on Internet an unspoiled island near Samui called Koh Tao. But dunno how to get there. Wanted to go Phuket but Thai people say there will be many ghost returning from tsunami for Songkran, so we dropped the idea.

Birds… cute fluffy creatures they are. I WANT TO KILL THEM ALL!. They think they are very cute… every morning they arrive at my blardee balcony and chirp for dunno what fug reasons. Every morning.. without fail at 7 to 8 am. This morning.. I threw my bolster hard onto my balcony window. Drove them blardee chirpers away.

Flower Trial

Found this picture of rose petal trails on my friend’s Friendster site. Wahhhhh… like very lomantic hor? Think me friend found her new love. I think all gals will fall for such mushy stuffs. Take a moment, close your eyes and dream a little. You (you being a women) after taking a hot shower, walk by your room and discover with delight lovely flower petals on floor. Clad naked within your warm bathrobe with steam still bellowing from the bathroom, you stared with amazement as a smile draws widely across your still moist face. Smelling the lovely aroma in the air and with a curious tinkle in your brain, you follow the crimson scattered trail like a puppy following breadcrumbs. As you approach the room, you wondered what mischief your charming boyfriend had setup. It could be more flowers, a whole room of them. It could be balloons. It could be that long awaited ring on your bed with that glittering diamond to mark the beginning of life’s most wonderful turn. As you approach the answer to your curiosity, your heart beats faster with every step, excitement building as distance shrinks. The occasional droplets of water fall from your freshly conditioned hair ends landing on the petals behind. You enter the room like a little shy girl. The pupils in your eyes widen to cater for the room lit romantically only by the yellow table lamp at a corner. You stare in bewilderment when vision clears. Ten fat hairy naked men pin you down, perform carnal acts beyond your wildest imagination, fug the brains out of you good until your heart explodes. See you dare to follow flower trail next time or not.

Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Why Do They Always Wanna Tear My Balls

Fug day yesterday… today as well. In the morning.. got many calls, say cant send email. Afternoon, came to office, realize server cannot be contacted on the Internet. Call my ISP. Told them to reboot. And so they did.

Tear Balls 1.

Did that for many many many times… kept calling them, keep rebooting. But still no one can send nor receive email and our server is still not on the Internet. Until… I asked the jokers at the ISP what is the brand of sever they see. They replied “HP”. I do not have a HP server by the way. Piangs.. ISP leh… how can they not know where my server is. Too bad to the other company who got their server rebooted like never before.

Ok… so finally after 3 hours of screwing around with the wrong server, they managed to locate my server. Hit reset several times and still, my server seems to be down. Told them to trouble shoot the network point… they did not understand. They spoke very broken English. After a very frustrated conversation, I decided to go there and do it myself.

Tear Balls 2.

Drove Volvo. Volvo go up highway. Volvo started to make funny noise. Volvo gears suddenly got stuck and I had to drive at 40km/hr at 6000rpm. Reach destination. Volvo turned into multi-story car park. Volvo can’t go up slope. Wanked the gear stick all over trying to see if I could get it going. Tire screeched. Volvo went up slope. Volvo reach third level. Volvo cant stop. Wanked gear stick all over… Volvo still cant stop. Turn of ignition. Volvo stopped. Called for help. Mechanics to arrive two hours later.

Tear Balls 3.

Went into ISP. Located my server. Traced cable to their switch. Realized ISP somehow kicked the cable loose. Plug in cable. My server went online. ISP!!! How can an ISP not know how to troubleshoot such things? Why am I troubleshooting their network for them????

Took taxi home. Volvo declared dead by mechanic.

Tear Balls 4.

Came to office today. One of our companies can’t send email still. Checked Internet. Realized the domain has expired and wiped off the face of Earth! Kan puar tua CB… why my domain expire and not a single warning from my ISP! What kinda fugging ISP is this?

When working with some Thai people, must put ice packs on balls. They too fugging relax, too irresponsible and has no foresight into future of things. Do not trust the titles on the name cards. The are just words and not relatives to their true skill sets.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Pit Stop Report – Thai Life 9 Months

Now that I grown tan because of the searing sun and outdoor business activities, the locals think I am Thai. Blended in already, all strangers talk to me in Thai. No longer get “foreigner treatment” thus no longer kena kah chai tow at shops. However, covered parts of my body still retain my original color. My triangular butt band still glows in the dark very well.

Still can’t speak Thai well and when I talked, always get very unexpected response from the locals. Was speaking to a 10-year-old child one day. She asked I if knew what is “rot tooo” (van) and I replied no. She asked her auntie “Where this guy come from? How come he does not know what a van is?” I told her I came from the mountains.

Can start to curse in Thai when I am driving already.

Effectively infected all my surrounding people with Singlish. They can no longer speak proper English. Have learned that only Singaporeans have the capability to process up to 10 different languages in a single spoken sentence. The Thais can’t do it. Now that some of them can, they can no longer switch back to speaking only a single language in a sentence. They now speak Thailish and this is causing a lot of confusion to customers and their foreign friends alike. They said ever since I came here, their English degraded.

Weather very hot now. Work with my shirt off in the office some of the time. Take shower in office as well. There are 2 seasons in Bangkok. Hot and Super Hot.

Still can’t order food properly at food joints. Thus always eat fried rice.

Thai Snacks

Childhood dream come true. Ever since I first ate KFC as a child, always wanted to eat nothing but only the skin. Fantasized about ordering a big bucket of KFC and only ripping off the skin and biting into those well-seasoned crispy fatty gastronomy. In Bangkok, the roadside stalls sells “nghan-kai-tot” (fried chicken skin). This is found just outside my office.

Thai Snacks

Missed my ah-mah’s Indonesian pam peh (Indonesia fish cake). Found substitution. Fried fish balls that is crispy on the outside, and chewy on the inside. Dunno what the name of that snack is still, but they sell it outside my office.

Growing towards a size similar to farm animals because of all the food.