Friday, August 28, 2009

Smelly River Scary Taxi

So, to avoid the jam, one would discover one of the local transport modes Thai uses. River Taxis. First of all, the little black water channels. One would think it is a giant drain. But hey, the water is all choppy, waves all churning thanks to the countless speeding long boast that goes about their daily formula one routine up and down the channel. Speed, no speed limit. Safety, no life jackets. What about paying attention to people boarding and alighting? No attention.

One lesson learned is that, don’t queue in lines. Just horde over to the boat when it arrives, everybody at one go, parallel to the arriving vessel. Then jump on, or alight as fast as you can, synchronize your timings with the boat movements as the side bangs onto the platform. No one to tell you, no one to guide you. You have to develop how-to-board-the-bloody-boat-instinct in a matter of seconds especially if this is your first time.

My lady friend queued up behind us. We jumped, she did so after. The boat separated, and she missed. Her little frame landed onto the rough wooden portside knees first. The attendant was next to her stunt fortunately and grabbed before she fell into the abysses. Worst will be if she did and the portside came slamming back to the platform, she caught between. Well, that’s life I was told. Near mishaps like these occurs almost every other day. Safety has never been a point as the captain races against time to net in as much money as he can. The race.

Thus the harrowing ride one would experience as the boats speed past each other doing last minute maneuvers like an acrobatic plane. And then there was a loud bang behind me. I turned to watch the tail leaving the concrete channel side, the metal structure had bent but so what, the captain continued his formula one routine. The looks on everyone’s face? Nothing except me, balls rolling down my pants.

But all in all it was good fun. You just gotta try it, it is a time saver.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Happy on Mothers Day?

Once again, the odd Mothers Day had come and gone last week, the day, coinciding with the Queen’s birthday. It was a Wednesday, it was a day where most families will bring their mothers out for a good happy dinner. Happy and hearty dinner….. and so it seems.

I forward my balls whole heartedly to all the Thai restaurants (except those posh and really well organized ones). Balls to you.

I was once in banquet, I know on coming holidays, the hotels and restaurants in Singapore will call up all their standby waiters on list. To be prepared, to be organized and to prevent logistical nightmares on these fully packed occasions. That’s in Singapore. We have brains.

In Thailand, if we analyze, most restaurants are run by the anyhow bloke picked off the streets without management training. So are most of the owners. They can manage herds of buffalos, people manage they cannot. What happens the on these holidays I advice one never to eat in the restaurants. I guarantee you misery on a happy holiday. Balls to the restaurants again now accompanied by my waving middle fingers (both hands).

You will on these occasions find that firstly, looking for a parking lot means extra contribution to global warming and the already polluted Bangkok. You circle for many orbits before you find one. This comes with added fun of ramming your side mirrors into stupid people who walked the narrow streets like their father owns the roads. Assholes.

You will then most likely be greeted by queues of people without reservations, you yourself inclusive. Having to wait more then an hour, many decide to leave and find the next restaurant. You see people holding on to their shaky grandmas with walking aids inching about. It is like motion in a tortoise pond. Shaky grandmas to people ratio, 1 is to 3. Walking aids to grandma ratio, 1 is to 2. Tortoise movement 100%. These poor old souls, they come, they go without eating.

And so you find a seat finally, that’s because it is already 8.30pm after turning yourself away from at least one or two previous restaurants. You sit and its 20 minutes before some one cleared the aftermath of the previous diners off your table. The old grandmas on the other tables enjoying the same anguishing moments of happy Mothers day as you, you wonder in their hunger if they pick the meat off the eaten pork rib the previous guys left behind while no one is watching.

There will be some, those angry sons who stand up and shout at waiters passing by, and to no avail as the waiters ignore. Your eye contact with the managers will quickly be cut off as he stared and linger elsewhere into shadowy corners as he is unable to cope. And orders will be taken but serve your food will not in the next decade. You witness tartar on the many grandmas’ teeth growing as they wait silently for their food. There will be little staffs attending to all the tables this you will know. And so the energy drains from the old folks and they could not even undergo photosynthesis to supplement their strength for it is night and however green their shirts or extra large bras can be. Many tables will be silent as anger and frustration turns the night darker then night. Some will run out of patience and without paying leave, the old folks unsteadily running on reserve lead away. Go back home, eat that Maggie mee. Curses to the restaurants. Happy Mothers day in Thailand.

One word for the Thai restaurants – Stupid.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Flood of Singapore Food

More… more Singapore food. In many of theses “high-so” shopping malls popping up, we get to see more of these setups. Kopitiam, they have the bread and butter plus coffee set. Singapore Chicken Rice… coming soon and will end soon. In their other branches I see elsewhere, only quiet and stillness. I have to say that the Thai Chinese chicken rice is much better that what’s offered here. Singapore Chicken Rice stall has other dishes such as Laksa and Fried Hokkien Mee. I will give the Fried Hokkien Mee a miss anytime, it just ain’t Hokkien enough.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

This Car got Balls, Yellow Ones

Somewhere in my previous post, I did mention about Thai people hanging some dollies behind their cars and its significance (Dolly behind Car). Now here’s a new twist. Balls (lam par zhi) behind cars. Let me guess, he ran over someone’s testicles on the road. Both testicles went to heaven. Now he hangs the balls there, so that the spirit of the victim’s balls has a place to stay in instead of lingering around in his cabin.