Tuesday, May 29, 2007

TESCO Thailand wants to Kill Farangs

A lone foreigner in Thailand has bought a pack of sausages from one of the country’s big giant supermarkets and almost suffered serious health complications due to ingestion of non-edible contents. Unlike sausages elsewhere in the world, Thailand seems to be the only place where sausages are wrapped in plastic, instead of an edible film of material.

The pack of sausages from TESCO does not have any writings in English, other then the word TESCO of course. There is no warning on the package to inform the consumer that plastic is used as the skin, and should be removed before eaten or fried. In Thailand, it is common knowledge that sausages of inferior grade are of this nature, but how was the foreigner suppose to know when everything is in Thai? This is again what exhibits so clearly that Thailand only loves the money of farangs and not really welcome farangs to make this country their home. The foreigner then fried the sausages, melting the plastic, not realizing the strange smell is not from the cooking of special odd Thai spices. It was odd when the foreigner hears the sausages wheezing in the frying pan and he did not know sausages were not suppose to make funny noises like dying of pain when being cooked. It was not until he bit into the sausage that he noticed the skin does not break and the contents “oozed” out from an opening in the plastic.

When Mr Lim, the owner of this blog, was interviewed after throwing all the TESCO sausages in the bin, he said “TESCO go fuck you mother chow cheebye! Kan puar tulan. TESCO haw gao kan. Kaninambreh…. Ai wa si ah? Chee bye.”

Saturday, May 12, 2007

Beware the Bhangra Man

Some of us would remember our younger days, what our parents said to scare us for something we did or about to do wrong. Often in Chinese families the child would be threaten with “Don’t do that ah…. the Bangkali will come to catch you….” As to why, after 3 decades on earth wondering since childhood, I finally know the answer.

I was at the Thai Immigration Bureau extending my work permit. Since this is Thialand, waiting 6 hours for a queue of only 50 is common in government departments. I spent my time glued to the chair, reading a book. There was this irritating Thai Chinese boy talking non stop, screaming, squeaking, running. Looks to me more like a spider monkey then a boy. He went around, hitting all the empty chairs like Kitaro. Mother said in Thai “Sky, come here and don’t play.” Sky??!!! Reminds me of my ex’s brother.. Looks like Johnny Bravo and brain I bet looks also like Johnny Bravo…

Anyway, there were two Indian men behind me. I can hear them complaining. “Child very irritating, very naughty. Why are there children that behave like that… blah blah blah.” The stupid kid next then climbed up the empty chair beside mine. I was about to make him eat his own testicles when suddenly I saw a huge black hairy hand slowly come out between the gap of our chairs. Slowly and eerily fingers extended going for a grab of the boy, the Indian breath close behind me. Child freak out. Run away. Indians laughing, mum unaware. Then child started stomping all chairs again and ran all over. He even smack a standing lady in her butt “Piack!!!”. Everyone was staring at the child then, bewildered. Then he fell with a hard thud as he slipped on a puddle of mineral water he spilled earlier on. The Indians went “Yesssss!!!!!!!!!!” ..

Hwah…. See…? I don’t blame the Indians. I wanted to decapitate the child myself. If Chinese parents have something to scare the child about, what about the other races? Do Indians say “Don’t do that ah…. the Chinaman will come to eat your testicles...”?

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

What you Don’t Know can Kill You

The reaction was fast and the toxic gas was released instantaneously. The blue liquid turned transparent within mere seconds under the chemical reaction. Having no idea what was going on then, I breathed normally. That was when I felt my throat started to burn and my lungs started to sting. I turned the tap on and flushed the surrounding air furiously in an attempt to neutralize the poison. Still oblivious to the hazard posed by the situation, I was taking in shallow breathes. Finally, I can take it no more and I escaped. What followed was almost 2 hours of difficulty breathing followed by non stop coughing. Breathing had to be forced and was no longer automated. I had to force myself to breath. My chest felt tight, my throat felt narrowing. I had to stay cool as I expected shock to set in. I could feel fluids building up in my lungs as I started wheezing. I had to gulp for air.

I almost died from cleaning my toilet.

Bleach is a wonderful agent. Introduced by my dear friend Ant Tua Ni as the lazy man’s agent to cleaning out the toilet. Had been using it for 2 years. Just spray here and there, leave it for a moment, flush with water and your toilet is cleaned of all scum. The tiles will be white. What he did not tell me was not to mix the blue Toilet Duck with the common bleach. Can’t blame him I guess, maybe he don’t know, but it’s always better to blame someone. I wanted to clean the toilet in double time. So first I sprayed toilet duck all over the sink, the floor and then the bowl. Then I picked up the trusty bleach and sprayed a second layer. The ordeal thus begins. Ant, you cheebye… you almost killed me.

Researching the Internet, chlorine is a gas that is released very rapidly when certain household cleaning agents are mixed. It is especially dangerous in enclosed environment and inhalation of too much an amount could lead to organ failure and death. Ant you asshole. When chlorine is mixed with water, harmful acids are produced from the reaction. Thus when chlorine is inhaled, it reacts with the moisture lining your windpipe and deep in your lungs, thus explaining the burning stinging sensation. Lungs will swell and react by introducing fluids, an attempt to produce phlegm to flush the toxins out via coughing I guess. Adverse reactions may lead to pneumonia, drown in your own phlegm, or lungs will bleed, drown in your own blood. Ant.. you asshole. Throat passage being burnt by acid will start to swell, so if I am any fatter, I may have suffocated. Lack of oxygen will lead to organ failure as they shut down. Then brain dies and hello Buddha land.

Other then falling off high rise buildings cleaning the windows, this is one of many ways your household maid may get killed. Kind of reminds me about an incident many years ago when my grandma’s maid had sardine explode in her face. She heated a can of sardine, unopened on the naked stove. We had to scrap sardines off the ceiling. This can also be one of the accidental ways old people may get killed. Pour Toilet Duck and then 3 liters of bleach over them.

Asshole you, Ant. My breathe still smells weird of chlorine or whatever after 24 hours. Wanna try bo? My toilet is now squeaky clean.

Monday, May 07, 2007

F The Thai Pumps

A petrol station in Thailand is known as a Pump. Therefore when you ask for the nearest petrol station in English to Thai people, you most likely get redirected to police station, MRT station, BTS station and whatever that has a station word in it. Shell petrol stations are known as “pump shell”, Jiffy as “pump jet”, PTT as “pump po tor tor (or something)” and so and so forth.

Petrol stations in Thailand are where you sometimes don’t find any petrol. Relying on petrol stations to pump up your flat tire can also be a frustrating experience. For some unknown reasons, 90% of the pumps I go to do not have the pump head attached. Just a hose with what looked like a severed or detached apparatus that lets air out. Could be stolen, could be run over by cars, or maybe the monkey in the jungle beside has taken it. However, if you were to drive your car up to the attendant, he will most likely have a mobile gas tank ready to pump up your tire and of course, you have to tip him after.

Sidetracking a bit to food.. Clams are known as “hoi”. Interestingly, scallops are called “hoi shell”. I guess why the Thais called scallops “hoi shell” is because the shell of the scallop looks like the logo of Shell petrol stations. The other clam species have their own version of very strange Thai callings.