Monday, July 31, 2006


Why Stress? Let me quote an example of Thai employees…

(Translated from Thai….. )

“Ring Ring” mobile phone rang at site, one hand operating expensive electrical equipment, the other pick up Nokia.

“Wat-dee-krup Kings, its me at site.” My technician called from 200km away.

“Yes? What’s up?” I said.

“Have a problem here and I need to consult you.”

“Go ahead.”

“Customer needs to share files from one computer to the other. But they do not have a network here. How to proceed?”

“Then what do they have there? Why they ask for computers to share files when they don’t have a network?”

And the answer came. “I don’t know… they only have computers connected via LAN cables to a hub. But they don’t have a network.”

That gave me a whole new meaning to my comprehension of stupidity. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPID!!!!!! F CCB KNN!! .Puar CB!!!.

How to battle stress? Other then blabbering Chee Byes in my mind all the time, I found some other alternatives. Work at site, spend a bit more money, find an oasis to unwind. Lodge a night next to the beach, in the forest resort whatever. They are all over Thailand. Wake to a morning only to be greeted by the sound of waves and singing birds. Open the notebook and watch porno in the middle of the natural surroundings. Contrast to Bangkok.. or Singapore, all traffic, all people.

Nakon Nayok Waterfall
Walk into the woods. Careful not to fall into deep trenches or be bitten by snakes. Bring hell lotsa mosquito repellent. Drink it if you have to and have your sweat pores excrete the chemicals (highly not recommended). The above picture my moments. Waterfall in Nakon Nayok. That’s where I sat my big fat ass on the rock and ingested the first few chapters of Deception Point – Dan Brown books. Read… read,,, No GSM signal, no Internet, no work. Listen to water gushing. Pee, contribute to mother nature, the water flow. Distracted from stupidity, ease my mind.

Friday, July 21, 2006

My CheeBye My Medicine

Hey guys, let u in on a little personal secret. Maybe my dear friend Orgu which is part physiologist now (psychopathic tortoise) may be able to explain why. When I am heading for a burnout, stressed beyond all my tolerance, I think of CHEEBYE, the word CHEEBYE that is. In case some angmoh is reading this, CHEEBYE is the watery gateway you burst out from between your mummy’s legs.

CHEEBYE.. a beautiful word. It makes me laugh. Two years in Thailand is as if I have undergone furnace treatment in a language refinery. I no longer used that word. Thailand is not like Singapore where u often hear CHEEBYEs floating around in neighboring conversation.

The word for CHEEBYE in Thai is Jim. One day, I met an old lady and she introduced herself as Jim. I fell off the chair and my mind is a squash court for a piece of CHEEBYE bouncing all over the suddenly blank room of my skull. Very very confused. After some friends helped me out of my CHEEBYE confused state, I found out that Jim actually means something small and cute, thus adapted and applied to refer to the Thai CHEEBYE. But… I can’t utter a word out and call her. In my mind the words Aunty Jim simply cannot be processed properly without bursting out in laughter. I cannot call her Aunty CHEEBYE. It does not work. Imagine… “Sa-wat-dee-krup Aunty CHEEBYE????????”

Lost in translation in this strange land, I sometimes mix languages up and speak as Singaporeans do in Singlish. Jim in Hokkien is crab. In a seafood restaurant, I would process before speak as “Lets eat curry CHEEBYE?????” and nothing came out of my mouth. WTF????

When I am stress, I think of the situations above… it makes me laugh.

Now CHEEBYE is a universal word. There are Internet mailers flying around glorifying the word Fuck. There are articles written, and even a UK accent sound clip, on how universally Fuck can be applied. I found out same goes for CHEEBYE. Thus CHEEBYE should also be on the Pedestal of Universal words, glorified (aka pussy on a pedestal).

“What the CHEEBYE is that?” (What the fuck is that?)
“What CHEEBYE things he doing?” (What is he fucking doing?)
“My CHEEBYE car fucking broke down.” (My fucking car fucking broke down.)
“Why he so CHEEBYE one?” (Why is he an asshole?)
“I am kan-puar-CHEEBYE angry.” (I am fucking angry.)
“Holy shit!!! What the CHEEBYE???” (Holy shit!!! What the fuck???)
“I am working on a very CHEEBYE thing.” (I am working on a fucking difficult thing.)
“CHEEBYE u lah! Why u so like that?” (Fuck u lah, why u so like that?)

See… Universally Adaptable Word, the beautiful CHEEBYE. Double CHEEBYEs up with fucks and you get double the effect in driving your message across.

Example. “Why the fucking CHEEBYE did he do such a CHEEBYE thing to the fucking CHEEBYE situation? Does he have any CHEEBYE brain left? Did God bless him with only a fucking CHEEBYE grain of brain? Chow CHEEBYE!!! Fuck!”

CHEEBYE when added to sentences also makes me de-stress in times of chaos. Look at the following email. It is a business related issue and the names have been changed to protect all their CHEEBYE identities.

[Original script.]
1. Adam u r right… John Lee behaves exactly like woman.
2. [censored out, sensitive business issue]
3. [censored out, sensitive business issue]
4. Adam… u nambleh… u know John behaves like women and yet u want to stir him up. Now John Lee attacks James Lam.

[Sprinkled with CHEEBYEs and yes I sent this out.]
1. Adam u r right… John Lee behaves exactly like woman.
2. [censored out, sensitive business issue]
3. [censored out, sensitive business issue]
4. Adam… u nambleh… u know John behaves like women and yet u stick your big fat finger into his small CHEEBYE and stir (he is kuniang, kuniangs have CHEEBYEs). Now whatever small pocket of air (xiao chi) left in his small internal CHEEBYE has oozed out because of your big fat finger. Stir some more!!! Without the small gas, for some microbiological bacterial god knows what reason, his CHEEBYE is now dry and feels like the second day of a sore throat. This brought up an onslaught of CHEEBYE rage because his small CHEEBYE is not happy. So he launched his dried up CHEEBYE initiated attack on James Lam. It is now Small Dry Bye verses James Lam.

I dunno about u readers, but this edited version sure made me feel lighter. I have been in a cocoon of hard CHEEBYE work for the recent CHEEBYE months. My CHEEBYE dreams are full of my CHEEBYE work when I sleep. My CHEEBYE brain is not functioning right. I think of the CHEEBYE, it makes me laugh. Pathetic self induced CHEEBYE relaxing method I discovered.

I am heading for a full-blown CHEEBYE burnout. Laughter is the best medicine as some say. A little CHEEBYE a day keeps my CHEEBYE mental health in check.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

3am Thai Chicken

Starbucks Ashtray in Thailand
Starbucks just opened near my apartment. Yipee. They put shit like things in the ashtray. Was there this morning savoring double espresso.

Anyway, yesterday 3am, knocking on my door. Sleepily I dragged myself to the door. Peeped outside to see big white milk. She kept knocking. I opened the door. “Wrong room.” I said.

I heard her papa-san down the corridor spoke to her “Wrong room, come back here.”. She left without even an apology. Should have dragged her in and fucked her upside down.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Ahmed wants to Bomb Thailand

Someone left me a comment in the previous post. It reads:

Ahmed said...
Islam will destroy Thailand. Allah people will rule Thai. Submit to Allah and find peace.

9:59 AM

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Highway Thai

This is the way I got to work for the past 2 weeks. 70km on an elevated highway, elevated all the way. Not much traffic and speeding shoik.





40km…. petrol empty…!!!



70km later I finally reached my destination. Check out the mountains in the distance, nice view out of Bangkok. You don’t want to be up there on the highway with a full bladder. Can deo-cheong-nau (contrary to seow-cheong-nau [sperm go up brain]). My internal penis equipment almost explode one day. It’s not as if I can swing my dick out over the driver’s window and pee.