Oasis

Why Stress? Let me quote an example of Thai employees…

(Translated from Thai….. )

“Ring Ring” mobile phone rang at site, one hand operating expensive electrical equipment, the other pick up Nokia.

“Wat-dee-krup Kings, its me at site.” My technician called from 200km away.

“Yes? What’s up?” I said.

“Have a problem here and I need to consult you.”

“Go ahead.”

“Customer needs to share files from one computer to the other. But they do not have a network here. How to proceed?”

“Then what do they have there? Why they ask for computers to share files when they don’t have a network?”

And the answer came. “I don’t know… they only have computers connected via LAN cables to a hub. But they don’t have a network.”

That gave me a whole new meaning to my comprehension of stupidity. STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPID!!!!!! F CCB KNN!! .Puar CB!!!.

How to battle stress? Other then blabbering Chee Byes in my mind all the time, I found some other alternatives. Work at site, spend a bit more money, find an oasis to unwind. Lodge a night next to the beach, in the forest resort whatever. They are all over Thailand. Wake to a morning only to be greeted by the sound of waves and singing birds. Open the notebook and watch porno in the middle of the natural surroundings. Contrast to Bangkok.. or Singapore, all traffic, all people.


Walk into the woods. Careful not to fall into deep trenches or be bitten by snakes. Bring hell lotsa mosquito repellent. Drink it if you have to and have your sweat pores excrete the chemicals (highly not recommended). The above picture my moments. Waterfall in Nakon Nayok. That’s where I sat my big fat ass on the rock and ingested the first few chapters of Deception Point – Dan Brown books. Read… read,,, No GSM signal, no Internet, no work. Listen to water gushing. Pee, contribute to mother nature, the water flow. Distracted from stupidity, ease my mind.

My CheeBye My Medicine

Hey guys, let u in on a little personal secret. Maybe my dear friend Orgu which is part physiologist now (psychopathic tortoise) may be able to explain why. When I am heading for a burnout, stressed beyond all my tolerance, I think of CHEEBYE, the word CHEEBYE that is. In case some angmoh is reading this, CHEEBYE is the watery gateway you burst out from between your mummy’s legs.

CHEEBYE.. a beautiful word. It makes me laugh. Two years in Thailand is as if I have undergone furnace treatment in a language refinery. I no longer used that word. Thailand is not like Singapore where u often hear CHEEBYEs floating around in neighboring conversation.

The word for CHEEBYE in Thai is Jim. One day, I met an old lady and she introduced herself as Jim. I fell off the chair and my mind is a squash court for a piece of CHEEBYE bouncing all over the suddenly blank room of my skull. Very very confused. After some friends helped me out of my CHEEBYE confused state, I found out that Jim actually means something small and cute, thus adapted and applied to refer to the Thai CHEEBYE. But… I can’t utter a word out and call her. In my mind the words Aunty Jim simply cannot be processed properly without bursting out in laughter. I cannot call her Aunty CHEEBYE. It does not work. Imagine… “Sa-wat-dee-krup Aunty CHEEBYE????????”

Lost in translation in this strange land, I sometimes mix languages up and speak as Singaporeans do in Singlish. Jim in Hokkien is crab. In a seafood restaurant, I would process before speak as “Lets eat curry CHEEBYE?????” and nothing came out of my mouth. WTF????

When I am stress, I think of the situations above… it makes me laugh.

Now CHEEBYE is a universal word. There are Internet mailers flying around glorifying the word Fuck. There are articles written, and even a UK accent sound clip, on how universally Fuck can be applied. I found out same goes for CHEEBYE. Thus CHEEBYE should also be on the Pedestal of Universal words, glorified (aka pussy on a pedestal).

“What the CHEEBYE is that?” (What the fuck is that?)
“What CHEEBYE things he doing?” (What is he fucking doing?)
“My CHEEBYE car fucking broke down.” (My fucking car fucking broke down.)
“Why he so CHEEBYE one?” (Why is he an asshole?)
“I am kan-puar-CHEEBYE angry.” (I am fucking angry.)
“Holy shit!!! What the CHEEBYE???” (Holy shit!!! What the fuck???)
“I am working on a very CHEEBYE thing.” (I am working on a fucking difficult thing.)
“CHEEBYE u lah! Why u so like that?” (Fuck u lah, why u so like that?)

See… Universally Adaptable Word, the beautiful CHEEBYE. Double CHEEBYEs up with fucks and you get double the effect in driving your message across.

Example. “Why the fucking CHEEBYE did he do such a CHEEBYE thing to the fucking CHEEBYE situation? Does he have any CHEEBYE brain left? Did God bless him with only a fucking CHEEBYE grain of brain? Chow CHEEBYE!!! Fuck!”

CHEEBYE when added to sentences also makes me de-stress in times of chaos. Look at the following email. It is a business related issue and the names have been changed to protect all their CHEEBYE identities.

[Original script.]
1. Adam u r right… John Lee behaves exactly like woman.
2. [censored out, sensitive business issue]
3. [censored out, sensitive business issue]
4. Adam… u nambleh… u know John behaves like women and yet u want to stir him up. Now John Lee attacks James Lam.

[Sprinkled with CHEEBYEs and yes I sent this out.]
1. Adam u r right… John Lee behaves exactly like woman.
2. [censored out, sensitive business issue]
3. [censored out, sensitive business issue]
4. Adam… u nambleh… u know John behaves like women and yet u stick your big fat finger into his small CHEEBYE and stir (he is kuniang, kuniangs have CHEEBYEs). Now whatever small pocket of air (xiao chi) left in his small internal CHEEBYE has oozed out because of your big fat finger. Stir some more!!! Without the small gas, for some microbiological bacterial god knows what reason, his CHEEBYE is now dry and feels like the second day of a sore throat. This brought up an onslaught of CHEEBYE rage because his small CHEEBYE is not happy. So he launched his dried up CHEEBYE initiated attack on James Lam. It is now Small Dry Bye verses James Lam.

I dunno about u readers, but this edited version sure made me feel lighter. I have been in a cocoon of hard CHEEBYE work for the recent CHEEBYE months. My CHEEBYE dreams are full of my CHEEBYE work when I sleep. My CHEEBYE brain is not functioning right. I think of the CHEEBYE, it makes me laugh. Pathetic self induced CHEEBYE relaxing method I discovered.

I am heading for a full-blown CHEEBYE burnout. Laughter is the best medicine as some say. A little CHEEBYE a day keeps my CHEEBYE mental health in check.

3am Thai Chicken

Starbucks just opened near my apartment. Yipee. They put shit like things in the ashtray. Was there this morning savoring double espresso.

Anyway, yesterday 3am, knocking on my door. Sleepily I dragged myself to the door. Peeped outside to see big white milk. She kept knocking. I opened the door. “Wrong room.” I said.

I heard her papa-san down the corridor spoke to her “Wrong room, come back here.”. She left without even an apology. Should have dragged her in and fucked her upside down.

Ahmed wants to Bomb Thailand

Someone left me a comment in the previous post. It reads:

Ahmed said...
Islam will destroy Thailand. Allah people will rule Thai. Submit to Allah and find peace.

9:59 AM

Highway Thai

This is the way I got to work for the past 2 weeks. 70km on an elevated highway, elevated all the way. Not much traffic and speeding shoik.


Start.


10km….


20km….


30km….


40km…. petrol empty…!!!


50km….


60km….



70km later I finally reached my destination. Check out the mountains in the distance, nice view out of Bangkok. You don’t want to be up there on the highway with a full bladder. Can deo-cheong-nau (contrary to seow-cheong-nau [sperm go up brain]). My internal penis equipment almost explode one day. It’s not as if I can swing my dick out over the driver’s window and pee.

Thai Traditional Dance, Uncut

This the way Thais do it. Taken at a temple festival. Uncensored, uncut and no fancy traditional costumes. The raw deal. Download the file at http://www.cllim.com/movie/dancindrunk.mpg (right click the hyperlink). You will get to hear the real Thai out-country music as well.

Thai Mafia Kills Doraemon

As you can see, this is a bullet riddled Doraemon. The poor blue fat stupid cat, shot all over and finally with two going right through his eyeballs. What a way to die. Wonder who the goondu came out with such stupid signboard.

Thai Durain

This one fall on u sure die.

Kenny is DAD!!!!

http://bbjazelle.blogspot.com

Stress in Bangkok

When I am eating, I am on holiday. When I am sleeping, I am on holiday. When I am in the toilet, I am on holiday. When I am smoking, I am on holiday. Whenever I am not on my computer I tell myself I AM ON HOLIDAY. I am on holiday because I am in Thailand, away from Singapore. So anytime when I am not working, I am on holiday. These are the things I tell myself to prevent going crazy. I am stressed from work. Too much work.





Past Saturday, me and gig was looking for a place for dinner. We wanted to have seafood by the shores of Bangkok and so we drove south. We stumbled upon undiscovered territory. This area of Bangkok has elevation profile so low that when the tide gets high, water is everywhere.







Saw factory outlet, therefore shopping time. I liked this place. Bad business, no noisy crowd. Peace and quiet.





Stumbled upon boat ride without knowing where it is going, except that it says Bangkok shores tour or something. This place, no tourist knows because it is nestled in the neglected areas of Bangkok.



Boat transverse the marsh waters of Bangkok in the network of farms. It reached the open seas where the boatman said that on occasions, they get to see dolphins. There right at the edge of the water, stood a restaurant. And the boat is the only method of transport to get there.





So we dined by the sea, the sea wind marinating the food, drinks and my big fat body. It was a short period to rest my mind, detached from work. I call it holiday.

Da DoGGie Code

Decode this....



... quite shocking....

I Boycott Shell Thailand

Recently, Shell petrol stations here started to give out fridge magnets. However, the attendants are buffalos. Buffalos without brains. Several times I have paid using my cards for petrol and they returned my card with the bloody magnet next to it. Then when I go shopping, I can’t use my cards as the machines can no longer read it.

Told the bloody attendant about the problem but they bo-chap. These low-knowledge people do not have credit cards… so they never knew this problem I guess. They are gaping stupid ass holes without any common sense. No more Shell for me.

I love Shell, but she turned stupid on me.

The Guards R Gay

Recent additions to the apartment blocks I am staying in are 2 young and well groomed security guards. Neat cut hair and tidy uniforms. Different from the usual old sloppy ones we have around.

This morning I saw them frolicking in the garden of cars in the parking lot. Holding hands, giggling as they patrol, playing god knows what I touch your left ball and you touch my right ball romantic games.

Disgusting? No… after almost two years in Thai, this seems the norm.

Daily Thai

Sent to me by a friend, the above shows the possible things that could happen in Thailand. Even when substation is flooded, the operators still hangs around, in their underwear.

Other very strange and sometimes frustrating stories:

Paid to use the highway but got stuck after the tollgate because the police blocked the highway for VIP. So we pay to be stuck in a jam.

Watched DaVinci Code but when they spoke French, there are only Thai subtitles. Fug the movie industry here that ignores the minority English speaking population.

Thais are educated since the beginning of childhood never to throw any solid objects into the toilet bowl. As such, majority of the toilet here have a disgusting bin next to the toilet bowl that contains all the soiled toilet paper.

When thunderstorm, sure have power failures.

The temperature in the hot months can drop to 22 degrees Celsius on some strange nights.

Employees never want to use the highways because they have to pay the toll fee in advance. They prefer to be stuck in the jam and waste petrol that the company pays.

90% of guys here have more then one girlfriend. Girls here don’t like Thai guys and they jump at any opportunity on the foreign man.

The Zouk like pubs here are meant for Europeans. Girls in such pubs never want to talk to anything that looks Asian. Thai version of Sarong Party Girls. If you are yellow you will be welcome more elsewhere.

Drivers here do not how to use the circle. They were never taught to, considering the crappy driving test system here. As such, many accidents occur at circles. Drivers here cannot comprehend the meaning of the speedometer. They have no sense of speed nor braking distance.

Observe during wedding ceremony, whose hands is above gripping whose when cake cutting. That will determine who controls who after marriage. Marrying couples sometimes wrestle on the stage over this discreetly.

They wash the dead people’s face with coconut water as a soul purifying process.

Most sausages bought from street side stores are strangely sour and gives you a feeling that you are eating rat meat.

K… enough…. More next time. Experience the Thai way of life. Not be tourist, be embedded here.

Thailand's Wannabe

Knowing ones one limits and capabilities is something genetically missing from majority of the Thai brain. Thai people have some odd behavior. Soak yourself here then you will know but share I will.

Mr A wanna be a manager. And so we made him one. Bosses his employees around and injected hierarchical fears into them sure he did. But all left him quitted the company. For one thing, all his people were good workers… efficient, hardworking and knowledgeable, traits Mr A does not have and they knew it. I liked them. When employees are faced with a situation beyond their own decision control, approach the immediate manager they will for advice. Mr A would be approached and his advice back will be oh-shitty-stupid. Not only did that dismayed the employees since they were expecting a wise answer, but turned away the customers he did. However some customers were smart to realize that they have an intelligent edge above our Mr A. They ate him for breakfast. The company lost money through one sided contracts.

When Mr A does site, worse. Answer to questions by customers contains only diminutive amounts of intelligence, relative to size of brain in spacious skull compartment. And he will be calling all over the world to look for me or my partner and we have to answer for his so simple technical related questions. Looks stupid in front of the customers isn’t it? So… if one has not enough knowledge then one should self improve? But not so the majority Thai personality. Mr A just spends more time bossing his people around calling for meaningless meeting and act smart. And the result is we lost our good workers because they can’t stand him. Mr A can’t think nor judge. And the things we teach him so many times over do not stay. Not only that, the advice we tell him, he does not follow. His memory is volatile. If only we could squeeze a 200GB 7200 rpm hard disk into that spacious compartment between his skull and brain. His personality is stubborn, sort of the like skid marks in the toilet that your shit leaves behind. Zero smart capability and yet manager wannabe. Exhibited every characteristics of empty vessels making the most noise.

Don’t ask me why we did not fire him. It’s a Thai thing… give chance for time to learn… even if it takes a decade.

I am in a car now actually, some free time to type a blog. Next to me is this new nerdy chap that I just hired. He can’t drive well. Just got his license 1 year ago and only capable of auto transmission cars. He seldom drives. Occasionally he drives around his neighborhood for groceries in his parents’ car. To let you have a better idea of his logged driving hours, he had driven with hand brakes on for a smoldering 5 minutes when we were just out of office in the morning. However, we are now traveling at 160 on the highway to site… and the way he negotiates situation causes my balls to shrink to size of pea. Pea can shoot out from banana when in traumatically frightening situations. Hero wannabe not knowing limits and consequences wanna drive the Toyota like a V8 car. I asked him… is this his first time driving long distance. Nodded he did. And yet.. this speed. I am stopping my blog now… gonna screw him and swap drivers in the coming petrol station. I still want my life.

In Deep Shit

My assumption of just snapping the speedo cable was 100% misjudged and 100% wrong. The loud snapping sound was the alarm relays going on and off at a very fast rate.

My timing belt broke. My engine is gone.. This is very very shitty.

Landed at Airport

Announcing the arrival of flight Mi16 from “toll way” at gate “beside the road”. She has zero engine power and had made an emergency landing, without brakes.

Was bloody driving to site 600km away this morning. There was a loose speedo cable in my dashboard. It had been making a lot of clicking noise for the past few weeks. I had imagined the cable snapping and twirling all over inside my dashboard so hard that it cuts the surrounding cables loosed, shorting every circuit and causing mayhem.

It happened… this morning.

Was beginning my journey out of Bangkok in the morning. Was at my using cursing speed of 140 when the soft clicking sound turned into a loud series of snaps followed by instant engine failure and Christmas lights on the dashboard.

Fugged big time… on an elevated toll way with no power and fast traffic. Saw exit on left leading to international airport terminal. Swerved left and out of the toll way. Then realized the descending slope lead to a sharp u-turn ahead and I had no fugging brakes. Put low gear into action and heard engine made a lot of strange noises as the computer controlling it is out of action.. lots of exhaust backfiring… pop pop pop… like some supercar… had to use handbrakes as well to decelerate. Negotiated the turn and proceeded to the next descend using a balance of hand braking and the car’s momentum for controlled forward motion. The car rolled on… and on… and finally I eyed a nice spot beside the VIP building and just rolled my car into the position. There I was… beside the road… in the bloody hot sun. Was there… waiting for tow truck. Searing sun suddenly turned into heavy downpour after I cursed the weather. Then I became partially drenched chicken as I ran for shelter.

What a fugged day. Back in Bangkok… appointment rescheduled.

Searing Sun

The past weeks happening…. Lets see…

You know these are the hottest months when u reach home for shower in the night and the water is warm. I do not have a heater by the way.

The weather is so hot that stupid pigeons keep getting knock down by cars because they are dizzy. Some more dead birds that were ran over by cars in the parking lot.

Amazingly… maybe because of the weather, birds get to shit sideways. I found a big splat of bird shit under the cover of my car’s door handle.. impossible, unless car is turned sideways with door facing skywards. Now I am still wondering how the hell the shit got under there….

When I say my car is Peugeot (pew-geo or purr-geo as we in SG pronounce it) no one knows. They pronounce it purr-yo.

Stupid Honda jazz thinks he very the powderful came to tailgate me for a race. I blew him away leaving his engine breathlessly roaring at its 90bhp. BUT… strained and broke something in the undercarriage. Car was swerving left right center for the next few days as something on left wheel that controls steering got loosed. Darn.. .

Still cannot find a lot of time for myself, have time for myself to do what I want to do myself. Fugging work.

So many fatal motor bike accidents lately.. weather must be baking their brains within helmet. Also saw big pickup overturned on highways when I was going to site. So many accidents.

90% of the people in Bangkok are not from Bangkok. When there are long holidays such as Songkran, the traffic in Bangkok is so good… so little cars… so not congested and everywhere that took 1 hour to get took only a mere 20 minutes.

Petrol prices kept going up… now standing at about SGD$1.20 per litre for 95. It used to be just around SGD$0.90.

The climate now is searing hot… avoid Bangkok unless your option is for baking your body.

A Time for Myself

Finally….. some time for myself. Songkran is over, same water splashing ritual all over Thailand. Very happy festive mode all over the country. And where was I? I was working, working and working. Worked 24 hours at site one of those days. Ridiculous. I need a break. Sometimes I wonder… to know more, or not to know more is better (Translated from Thai: Roo yer, ler mai roo de kwai? Arai dee?)

I am now, in the car wash. My car pampered by the washers. Sitting in the car wash café with its small garden next to the pond. Yet another small speck of luxury in the middle of cosmopolitan messy Bangkok. My coffee, my ash tray. And my new HP notebook, with my Wireless CDMA internet connection. This is life.

Reading Koon and Orgu blog. Wow… koon in Taipei again. Watch the food dear… legs growing out like trunks from under your skirt. And Orgu… your blog is very educational, very interesting and entertaining about the 4 Vices. However, here is my analogy:

VICE 1: Gluttony- eating too much:
Coz there is too much nice food in Thaland. Images from eyes and smell of food overwhelmed brain. Neurons in brain short circuit.. Causes mouth to lead body to food. And mouth control brain.

VICE 2: lim jiu- drinking too much:
Thirsty. Need water…. And here, some beer cheaper then mineral water.

why blackouts occur when i drink too much..
Because over-drink. Simple answer. And memory blackouts occur because the place where we have drinks are normally dark, can’t see anything clearly.

what's real - there are people who jump into small fountains when drunk.

How to avoid drunkness
Over-indulge in Vice 1. Too full for beer.

VICE 3: smoking- why i crave :
Oral fixation, better to suck on a ciggy then another man’s equipment.

what's real - Ciggys are only SGD$2++ here, big pack.

VICE 4: Gambling - why my hands itch
Because nothing else to do, or too much money dunno how to spend.

what's real - mahjong may cause brain to stress so much and sometimes causes Vice 1 2 and 3.

Un-caged Yellow Birds

This blog entry has nothing to do with the two birds mention killed in the last entry….

Another week gone by, another mad week of driving in and out of Bangkok. Another week of work, another week of meeting the endless queue of people from Singapore. My ex girlfriend was here and so I finally had the chance to bring her to a good real Thai dinner. It was good to see her again and be briefed on the life of others I so not seen for long.

Time. Where are they? Gathered in all the small fissures of work periods, meetings and ridiculous project schedules. How can I gather them altogether? I need time management. I can’t work like a machine. I will burn a fuse sooner or later. I need time for breaks and to catch up with people around. But for now I can’t rest, I have to work to the limits of my capabilities. But for this stage of my life, when one is still in the mid of nowhere burning fuel fast towards one’s final dream, one can’t rest. I want to overwork my mental pistons and yet I want to rest. I want to be lazy and yet I want to excel. Where am I?

I have to juggle all jobs at one go, with only one self, one mind and one body. This land is lacking in engineering skills and professional workmanship. I showcased my talents and suddenly I landed myself in a deep work ditch. Expectations from others I know has now been set at a new height. I drove myself into this. I will work on. I will learn on. Oh shit.

A long time ago, I was a lazy soul embedded in a cycle of everyday mundane work. Knowing what will come the next day, and how little work I should do. I was just the typical employee, do what I am paid and please not ask more of me. Then when I self picked a skill not related to my work, I told to myself, someday it be useful. I never knew this decision could land me here and now, ten years later.

Everyday, I look mentally at my friends back home. The same life everyday, the same routine. The same small land. The same places to go for dinner. The same places to go for show. And surprisingly, the same category of complains and mental state from so many different people, from all walks of life. There is only so much they can do back home. Most of the time, a beautiful dream there, can only be a dream. The environment does not allow for them to steer towards a dream, unless of course they are fitly rich. However, the good side is life will be more or less predictable. They know what’s coming and they know their life is dependable on everything surrounding that they can find or live in. Life is controlled, safe and certain. And all, share one common goal. Work, get married, pay through nose for house, have kids. Die.

But here I am, in land of uncertainty. Don’t know where my guts came from but it must be in my blood. My cousin once said, that all in our family are weird. Where our ancestors tried so hard to move into an island so far away from China, we, this generation has exploded like the sparks of fireworks out of the Island. She is in Hong Kong. Another is in States. And more are all over the world, but never in Singapore. We share the same elements in our blood. We are birds not to be caged. We are too big for the Island.

My family are not the only ones that has outgrown Singapore. There are many of us now. I have met others form the Island and some have really impressed me on how they blended in. There are many of us here now in Thailand and other places. And I discovered we have one distinct characteristic that people on the Island does not have. We have the inner peace and satisfaction glowing beyond the boundaries of flesh and skin. We are happy, we the un-caged yellow birds.