Thai Wedding

Thai Wedding



Something interesting about a Thai wedding is that for what seems to be Chinese Red Packet (Ang Pow) to be given, use any nice envelope will do and put the money within. Then write you name across the front and stapler it right down the center, through the contents. Why I asked? Thais said then on the morning after the wedding, the bride and groom will have a hard time getting the money out. And when they are at it, they will see your name and be aware that you have contributed. My friend did that with his nails till they are all chipped out and yes, he remembered every one of them contributed.

The normal amount to give would be THB$500 (SGD$20 only - considered high) and you could bring your whole family along for that. No reservations required and let the seating mess up, it always does anyway. Even when the Thais are invited to Singapore for weddings, they will still stick to the same amount or lower and as such, your Thai tables will sure be money looser.

A Thai wedding is much like us Chinese weddings. Waking up at ungodly hours to benefit from the superstitious good timing, a Mercedes decorated, Yam-Char (drink tea) with parents in houses of both sides and a grand wedding dinner. Well not so grand actually for the normal average as the dinner will be held at badminton halls and such public facilities. Hotel weddings are very rare and only for the rich. See photos under Thai Wedding Dec 2005.

Anyway, next time I attend a wedding, I will make sure the paired couple remember me not for just a week, but for a decade for the packet offered below.

An Island Not Too Far Away

I held on the steering and became one with the acceleration. I felt the graininess of the tarmac as all four 16 inches of alloys grind hard via her soles of 50. As I stepped on the gas, my limbs were one with the block. I saw the gas ignite as it compressed and finally slammed down hard on the piston face fiercely on her down stroke cycle. I was one with the purr, as the combusted swirl chanced upon the opened valve and charged away. The pull on a fresh batch of potent concoction via the low tail pressure I left behind I felt. 160 on I went strong against the aerodynamics of nature. Purred on my car, purred till she roared and I was singularity with the experience. Tore on through the fabrics of the atmosphere I did for hours till I reached the ends of earthly grounds and be greeted by the calm waters. This is life as it should be. This is car as she should be.

So anyway, while all you guys were still back home driving at a pathetic 90, cops eyeing you from behind the lalang bush, friends with the mosquitoes, I discovered a secret island here in happy land. Satthahip. A place just south of Pattaya. It was crystal clear waters and white sand beach on a nearby naval island. A place just 2 hours away. Go again I will.

Thai aircraft carrier deck.


This is where they drop depth charges as lovely gifts to submarines…. I think.


Boat ride to secret island, no ang moh in sight.


Ride on glass bottom boat on island.


Step on glass to commit suicide and bring all with you.


Lesson on snorkeling and light diving. Do not dive with full breath he said, will cause brain to explode and die or something…




Island paradise.


If only it was beer.


Seafood by beach, relax de-stress finale.

Volvo Car (Thailand) - Liars

From Bangkok Post - Motoring - Friday January 12, 2007
Bangkok Post

LETTERS

Volvo's ETM in question
This is a letter to bring attention to public about a defective component in certain Volvos built between 1999 to 2002 with electronic throttles.

All of the following models with petrol engines are affected: not just the 1999-2001 V70 and C70, but the S60, S70, S80, XC70 and the model year 2002 V70 non-turbos and C70s. Also, all S60 and V70 Bi fuel models are affected.

Sources have indicated that there is a 94% failure rate on this item before 100,000 miles (160,934 kms), which happens to be beyond standard warranty period covered by Volvo Thailand.

The ETM (Electronic Throttle Module) used in these Volvos worldwide will have a high failure rate due to a defective design. The component in the ETM wears out resulting in the car going into erratic idling with a diarrhea of black soot coming out from the exhaust.

At such times, the engine may shut down without warning and cause the car to be out of control as the brakes will be rendered ineffective. Sometimes the car accelerates without even steeping on the accelerator. Even without complete engine failure, an erratic and low power output form the engine may also result in loss of control with no braking power.

This, I have experienced personally many times and believe is the cause of accident mentioned herein.

Dealers in Thailand were well aware of this problem long ago. The ETM will not be replaced if the car is driven in without the engine check light on. And, if the warranty has already expired beyond the standard period, customers will have to pay for it.

What then bothered me is that Volvo Thailand knows of the defect and that the ETM may fail and pose a danger to the driver before 100,000 miles and not taken any preventive measures. Over in other countries, there are already many reports about this incident.

S70 VOLVO OWNER

Motoring replies :This letter was forwarded to Volvo Car Thailand and here is their response.

Thank you very much for bringing to our attention the concerns from one of your readers regarding a problem with the Electronic Throttle Module (ETM) on some Volvo car models.

First, assuming that not all of your readers know what ETM means, let me explain in simple terms that it is a device that controls the quantity of air entering the engine and, consequently, the vehicle's speed.

In certain of the involved vehicles, a combination of throttle positioning sensor irregularities, a dirty throttle housing, and/or inefficient software calibration may cause a warning lamp to light and the subsequent onset of limp home modes. This results in a high number of these vehicles going into limp home mode without need.

Additional symptoms that may be associated with this condition include uneven engine idle, and/or onset of "limp home mode", a condition that affects drivability potentially restricting maximum vehicle speed to between approximately 20-60kph.

Volvo's firm opinion is that this is not a safety related situation and we have had no report from anywhere in the world that has proven that an ETM malfunction has caused an accident.

The remedy for this is an Electronic Throttle System software upgrade. Volvo Car Thailand has since November sent letters to affected customers in which we offer a software upgrade at one of our Volvo dealers. This procedure will be completed at no cost and will take about an hour and half. Due to service scheduling, the Volvo dealer may require the vehicle for a longer period of time.

I would also like to take this opportunity to remind our valuable customers in Thailand that the best preventive measure and remedy to avoid this kind of problem is to have regular maintenance service by our Volvo dealers, who then perform the necessary controls as part of normal procedure.

MATS OHLSSON Vice President - Customer Service Volvo Car (Thailand)

My follow up in Bangkok Post’s forum…

Date : Jan 13, 2007 02:32 PM
Author : S70 Volvo Owner
Subject : Volvo's ETM in questionnew

Referring to the letter “Volvo's ETM in question” on Friday January 12, 2007 of Bangkok post, here are some extracts of Volvo’s reply:

“Volvo's firm opinion is that this is not a safety related situation and we have had no report from anywhere in the world that has proven that an ETM malfunction has caused an accident.”

“The remedy for this is an Electronic Throttle System software upgrade. Volvo Car Thailand has since November sent letters to affected customers in which we offer a software upgrade at one of our Volvo dealers. This procedure will be completed at no cost and will take about an hour and half.”

This is crap from Volvo. I am the guy who wrote the incident letter, faxed and emailed to Volvo Car (Thailand). No reports from the world? Than what was my fax to them all about sent last year? Wonder if their fax machine burnt up. Wonder if their email sever ate my mail. What are the incidents reports all about that constitutes to National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, EA05021 NHTSA Recall Campaign Number, US? And to reply that the software upgrade procedure will be carried out at no cost, then I am wondering why is there a receipt I got from a Volvo dealer that stated I paid for the upgrade. And to top it off, they did not care to explain the “secret” warranty extension on the ETM hardware (not just the software) that has a warranty extension of up to 10 years or 200,000 miles (321,868 km) that many Volvo owners elsewhere in the world are enjoying. ETM hardware cost about THB$25,000 and I had to pay for my replacement where elsewhere, it is replaced for free under the extended “secret” warranty. Do check your car, dear all affected Volvo owners. If your ETM (below intake manifold) does not have the yellow label but has the white one on it, means it has not been replaced yet.

Trackback: Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Defective ETM in Volvo Can Result in Accident

Energizer Fukkerbunny

My rabbit turned crazy on me. When I gave him my hand to pat him, he began a very strange move of hugging me with both forelegs. Two days in a row now, he vibrated up towards my elbows as his forelegs tried to grip and pull his fur body upwards. Then he humped my fingers. So I kept my hands and whatever protrusions of my torso out of his reach under blanket. He circled me all over and crawled onto many parts of my body when I lay on the bed watching TV. He was trying to find a mating spot. It was creepy when I sat upright in front of the TV and he started crawling up my back. Just what is he thinking about???? So I started walking away from the bed. He followed. And so I ran round and jump up my bed, in circles around the room I ran. It gave chase like I was his sexual prey. WTF!!!! GAY! Aren’t rabbits supposed to be docile gentle and sensible creatures??? Only dog licks but why is my rabbit licking me, not to mention humping me??



To every cause, there will be an effect. Cause: Horny bastard. Result: Rabbit in a Box.

How to pay Road Tax in Thailand?

Now… time of the year when my road tax expires. For vehicles to be driven in Thailand, you need two things pasted on your car. One is a small orange square label that is a mandatory 3rd partly insurance plan offered by the government. The other is a bigger square label, big and red, with 2550 on it.

The 3rd party insurance is necessary to protect the innocent incase you decided to stampede a bunch of Thai beggars walking the roads selling garlands or that irritating dark kid who, out of nowhere, appears and wipe your windscreen with dirty drain water at traffic lights.

The 2550 label is actually a yearly road tax matter. Although the year we know today is 2006, Thais have a fantastic calendaring system and all government systems recognize 2550. Without these two items on, you will be making many of the traffic policemen happy.

To get your vehicle renewed, drive near JJ market and look for the big English words that read Transportation Bureau or something. Turn in via the only entrance open and good luck. Imagine yourself on the planet of Tatooine in Star Wars. All signs within are but a bunch of curly strokes and muddle.

With some luck, you will end up in Building 2 where the receptionist will be yakking at 150% the speed of speech but your language processing within that brain of yours is only at 10% efficiency. Then a whole bunch of white forms will be trusted into your hands and yes, they all look Tatooine to me. Bring a Thai friend, save all the trouble. Make sure you bring someone brainy along and he/she should be able to fill them up and you just have to sign for. Then drive car into Lane 1 or 2 for inspection. After that, park your car somewhere, which is if you can ever find parking space. Back into Building 2, submit forms and wait. Then be ready to receive more alien forms and you will be told to go to Building 4 level 4. Take a stroll under the big hot sun, via the parking lots to Building 4 some 200 meters away. That’s when you get more Tatooine forms. Give to Thai friend. Later, you will be redirected back to Building 2. And then after some more waiting, you will be told to go to Building 4 again. Expect to get more forms. And then finally when you submit all the forms, you will be told you got some external documents amiss and have to come back another day. So, the day would have been gone by then. Go home have beer. Better luck next time.

How to pay Road Tax in Thailand? My reply, is I don’t f**king know. I don’t even have any idea what was going on and what’s with all the walking between Building 2 and 4. All signs on building, all forms, all sample forms, all staff, all Thai. Even parrots that I encounter in Thailand speak only Thai. So to all you English speaking only species, you wanna live in Thailand, live like a Thai? Learn Thai, that’s the only way, Thailand does not have any thoughts for catering to the minority of us. And the words “systematic”, “organized”, “efficient” and what not, cannot be translated to Thai because there are simply no such things and such words here. The only places where you can find good English directions here are the touristy places where the money leaves your pocket.

Don’t get me wrong with all my whining. I love Thailand.

Thailand 2007

This is a land where you can be sipping coconut on the beach with an angry anti-Singapore mob behind when all of a sudden a giant wave sweep you up and away. As you tumble in the Tsunami of broken houses, boats and limbs, you get knocked into a number of huge-ass military-coup tanks parked alongside the streets, anchored by its weight, still in the chaos of natural forces. The Tsunami however drenches the burning houses which causes are by negligent fires or cigarette butts fanned by the unusually cool windy and dry December conditions. With bumps on your head and injury too many to count on your body, you make your way to the telephone booth to dial 911 after the water subsides, only to be blown to pieces by some terrorist bombs placed in some plastic bag below the bloody coin phone. All the witnesses surrounding your very unlucky day then quickly point their fingers at Takshin who happens to be thousand of miles away. Much to the terrorist dismay, you are not actually blown to pieces because maybe they had used firecrackers for explosives. The helpful people then assisted your crawl to the next booth to make your emergency call. You spend half an hour trying to speak to bad-English-speaking telephone operator before she finally understands you are in pain. Ambulance then arrived after a 1 hour wait and you are dumped into the back of a pickup truck with sirens attached. That’s when the 15 year old engine gave its last puff in the makeshift ambulance and the nurses decided to transfer you to the MRT. Unfortunately, the MRT driver did not read his manual and so the train passes you at full speed and crashed onto the back of another train upfront. So you wait another hour for the next ambulance to arrive outside the station. Finally it arrived but your soul leaves your body as the vehicle inches its way to the hospital in a major traffic jam.

Well, that sums up what Thailand could be about nowadays. Happy New Year.

Defective ETM in Volvo Can Result in Accident.

[This is the Blog version. I am going to send other formal versions all over Thailand.]



This is a letter to bring attention to public that a defective component in certain Volvos built between 1999 to 2002 with electronic throttles. All of the following models with petrol engines are affected: not just the 1999-2001 V70s and C70s, but the S60, S70, S80, XC70 and the model year 2002 V70 non-turbos and C70s. Also, all S60 and V70 Bi fuel models are affected. Sources have indicated that there is a 94% failure rate on this item before 100,000 miles (160,934 km), which happens to be beyond standard warranty period covered by Volvo Thailand.

The ETM (Electronic Throttle Module) used in these Volvos worldwide will have a high failure rate due to a defective design. The component in the ETM wears out resulting in the car going into erratic idling with a diarrhea of black soot coming out from the exhaust. At such times, the engine may shut down without warning and cause the car to be out of control as the brakes will be rendered ineffective. This I, guarantee scares every piece of shit outta you, better then going for any detoxifying enema treatment. Sometimes the car accelerates without even steeping on the gas like got a piece of ghost in the engine. Even without complete engine failure, an erratic and low power output form the engine may also result in lost of control, same detoxifying experience. This, I have experienced personally many times and believe is the cause of accident mentioned herein.

When the engine check light in these cars finally turn on and a visit is made to dealers, the fault with ETM will normally not be detected as the OBD (On Board Diagnostic system which makes warning lights turn on and report on errors) will indicate oxygen sensor failures. Example of OBD codes that I have encountered are P0134, P1132, P0140, all which points to the two oxygen sensors which I have already replaced less then a month ago.

On the day of the accident, 23 December 2006, the engine was running fine at first. But a while later, the engine began to hesitate with the PRM going up and down. A truck was parked on the side of the road. On approach, the brake was applied to slow the car as an attempt to stop before going around the truck was negotiated. The car did not response and the accident occurred. Should this have been at high speeds, I could have ended up with more then one car, in separate little not so cute pieces. After the hassle of insurance claims and everything else, the car was started again and mysteriously everything went back to normal, no engine problem. WTF????

Then the next day in the middle of heavy traffic, the engine began to hesitate. However, there was no warning lights on the dash, as the day before. That was when I made a u-turn in heavy oncoming traffic and realized I cannot brake effectively, detox again. If you wanna simulate this problem, try this. Drive, then u-turn onto oncoming traffic. Turn off engine in middle of motion and try to brake. Pray for divine intervention. Fortunately this time, there was no accident. I took out my OBD tool (a small gadget which I have to perform diagnostic on the car) and plugged it in. There again, indicated the oxygen sensor problem (P0134). Let me repeat hair-raisingly that I have just replaced both bloody oxygen sensors on the dealer’s advice on the same situation mention forth less then a month ago. The car was spewing black smoke and smelt of petrol. The engine was idling erratically and cannot be driven. My OBD also indicated that the throttle was swinging between 20 to 40 degrees when actually I was not pressing on the accelerator at all. The engine was about to cut out, the traffic was heavy. I did not want to engage a tow truck to have my car towed. I cannot drive to a dealer in such a condition. How to drive? The car was puttering like shit and don’t even know when got brakes. In an attempt to solve the problem, I send a reset command from my OBD tool to the car’s computer. Everything returned back to normal immediately like magic.

I drove to the dealer, 26 December 2006, at Sukhumvit Road (SMC Motors). Normally, foreigners have tear balls experience everywhere in Thailand when facing customer service (because it does not exists). Foreigners normally need a head as cool as absolute zero to engage in more then basic customer service negotiations. I was directed to a young sales chap who claimed he could help me with the ETM issue. My first question to him was that if he was aware there were problems with the S70 cars. His shocking answer back to me was “Yes, car have problem, turbo very hot”. This effectively heated my absolute zero temperature head tremendously till the point my expanding brain almost exploded out of my still cool skull. The good thing was that he realized he could not deal with the situation. Before I went supernova in response to his lack-of-intellect answer, he asked for the Senior VP to attend to me personally. I was glad the senior gentlemen spoke excellent English. He was very helpful and explained to me the situation with this ETM issue. Dealers in Thailand were well aware of this problem in fact long ago but closed one eye. The ETM will not be replaced if the car is driven in without the engine check light on. And, if the warranty has already expired beyond the standard period, customers will have to pay for it. What then bothered me is that Volvo is aware of the defect and that the ETM may fail and pose a danger to the driver before 100,000 miles and not taken any preventive measures. Volvo is thus aware that failure may occur beyond standard warranty period and Volvo did not replace the ETM in my car in the countless routine maintenance schedules beforehand, thus leaving me to play dice with the fairies up in heaven. Must they wait for an accident to happen before they do anything? Assholes. When the problem does arise, the car can no longer be driven reliably. How can one then drive to the workshop safely with the engine check or ETS indicator bright like Christmas lights? Where is your brain dear Volvo Thailand? No wonder Volvo has only got about 2% market share in a recent car sales report in this huge market, what bad after sales service.

Over in other countries, there were already many incident reports (National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, EA05021 NHTSA Recall Campaign Number, US) and Volvo has extended a warranty of up to 10 years or 200,000 miles (321,868 km) on these defective ETMs to curb unnecessary detox. According to news sources, the ETM will be replaced for free and there is a recall exercise going on. Why is it then that Volvo owners here have to pay for the replacement? Volvo Thailand is hiding something and not telling the public so as not to loose face? I have a sample receipt from another country showing that a 1999 S70 with a mileage of 132,787 had her ETM replaced for free. The technician told me I have to pay for because my S70 is a turbo. Hello, think I goondu or what? An ETM is an ETM after all. It may be of a different size but what’s the difference when the defect is due to design concept? Eg.. u got penis I got penis. Different size but still we use them to pee. Senior VP said only selected owners are notified of this issue in Thailand officially to get their ETM replaced for free. What??? That means the rest of us are selected to die in accident? As a dealer, they have to follow instructions as per Volvo Thailand (the Volvo HQ) and the latter had ordered for me to pay through my ass even thought I have encountered several near and finally an accident. Volvo for Life? Volvo I cannot drive now.

Non-existent Customer Service in Thai Banks

To all foreigners like me working here, it is next to impossible for us to get a Credit Card if you happen to be getting the standard “Thai” class salary. Why it is that banks here do not understand the fact that being a foreigner does not mean we have access to unlimited amount of legal tender? You need a salary scale at least 5 times that of the average Thai THB$15,000.

Initially when I tried to apply with SCB (Siam Commercial Bank), I got rejected several times with no apparent explanation except for the usual “regret to inform you” letter. The staff in the branch could not tell me where my application went wrong even thought my salary is definitely a few times above the average. That was until I decided to write an email to ask SCB if there exist a double standard involved for foreigners. In the country I come from, we get replies immediately the next working day but here, it takes a lot of effort to get customer service to response. I resent the email a total of 6 times. For the record, it took almost 14 days to get a response. They finally cleared the air that I needed a monthly salary of THB$100,000 (huge contrast to THB$15,000 for locals).

With the questioned answered, I know now foreigners with average income like me can forget about getting any credit facilities from the foreigner unfriendly SCB. So I approach UOB (United Overseas Bank) bank in Ratchada crying out my problem. They were kind enough to speak to me whom sometimes still cannot make complete intelligent sentences in Thai. The staff explained that unlike SCB, UOB does not have this double standard applied to foreigners. They encouraged me to open a saving account with them so as to facilitate the application of a UOB credit card and for easy future payments. Thus I took the trouble and did as they said. First of all it is not easy for foreigners to fill up banking application forms. They are never in English. So it was a cumbersome few days for me getting translation services.

To cut things short, I got my card application rejected by the UOB and am stuck with a UOB saving account of no purpose. The explanation in the letter is that my income does not meet requirements (although it definitely does). I have written an email to them to ask why I was deceived. It has been a week now with no reply and I don’t think I ever will. Getting shoddy services, double standard treatments and paying a “foreigner price” for almost everything when eating, shopping or staying are all part of fun of living and working in Thailand. But to get the same from banks where we trust our money with is not within any acceptable limits of threshold.

Rabbit Habit

# A Rabbit will try to get your attention by hopping around in circles close around your feet when you are standing.

# A Rabbit will high speed crash right into the fridge when you open it and attempt to open the cookie bag within.

# When given a chocolate chip cookie, a Rabbit carries it in its mouth around the room to eat it elsewhere safe.

# When a Rabbit is out from its safe cage, you can play E-San music (Thai county songs) loud to scare it back into its cage without physical intervention.

# A Rabbit enjoys warmth by lying stuck next to you when you are in bed.

# Dogs are not the only animals that lick on us to show affection. Rabbits too but occasionally they will attempt to chew on your meaty parts.

# Kang Kong is not the only thing that Rabbits eat. They love to eat leather chairs, wooden doors and parts of your computer or handbags.

#A shoe will die when it encounters a Rabbit.

# To catapult a Rabbit in a controlled direction, put face close behind rabbit with aim and make a very loud hissing sound like a cat.

# Rabbits cannot brake efficiently on tiled floors and usually crash after catapult.

# To make Rabbits jump vertically, tap on its nose with fingers.

# To make Rabbits angry-stand-fight-claw-bite, shake a bunch of loose toilet paper violently in its face.

Smiling Silly in Bangkok

I am smiling. It’s been cool for the third day. My car thermometer reads 27 degrees C when I drive. I cherish these short Bangkok winter days. Eating outdoor for dinner by the pond, drinking coffee awaiting my car washed. It is different the feeling. I am marinated in this rare annual weather condition. The daylight carries a kind of foreign tranquility in the bustle of chaotic traffic. There is an invisible shroud of contentment around me. Its cool, I am smiling. I looked into the night sky smoking in the balcony, leaning against the soothingly chill concrete, I wished my friends were here.

Festive Gifts

During the approaching New Year, companies will send gifts (aka bribery) to customers and neighbors will exchange gifts in the community. Eggs. You can wrap a dozen eggs in one basket give it to your friends, neighbors, mother, GF’s family etc. Why I asked? They told me everyone eats eggs. It’s a common food item. Eggs = gifts.

The Real Meaning of Thai GIG

Monday was a holiday. So me and GF went to the wild again with our wabbit. My wabbit is getting used to sitting in cars, no longer afraid and hiding, it hoped around all over the cabin and nested itself on my lap while I drove throughout the journey. Sidetracking a little, how I trained my wabbit not to get car sick? Well, my room has tiled floors. The wabbit has no grip on it. So I spin it around at 100rpm then let it loose. See it run in panic toppling and falling, banging into my cloths basket, fall, lay sideways with his legs still in frantic running motion. It was hilarious. Very good for de-stressing, pass the stress on to my wabbit.

We went on Sunday, with another couple, so it’s a couple go holiday thing. Through my half baked Thai, I overheard the gal talked about her calling her boyfriend. Sometimes in that period, the guy had incoming calls and he would stroll away from us and talk behind a tree or something. When he returned, the gal asked if that was his girlfriend studying in America calling. WTF!!!. ?? Thus concluded they are a GIG couple and confirmed with my GF. On these two days, they stayed in the next bungalow to ours. Sunday, on arrival, 2pm. Loud moaning like porno film. Near dinner, 4pm. Loud moaning. After dinner, 7pm. Loud moaning. Night time after drinks. Should have many many moans but I am deep asleep already. Monday 9am before swim, more moaning and the windows on their bungalow shook with Richter 5.0 . Fortunately, I have my GF with me else brain flooded by testosterone fluid.

Gig phenomenon is very common in Thailand. Much more then in Singapore 10 folds. Almost every one of my friends or GF’s friends I know have gigs. It even happens in my darn office. Guess Thai people really likes fun. They can have a “steady” and yet have many gigs. This not only applies to men but is very common with the women as well. Gig couples I know are normally an older woman, about 30, with a toy boy of 25. Most of the people I known do not have their fathers in the family anymore. Mostly due to a blown cover ops and the father naturally selects the gig to continue life with as she offers more excitement. When gig meets, it is carnal explosion like experienced mentioned above. Reason for having gigs – boredom in long relationship, bad sex but partner is husband quality, partner away for long time, etc. Girls will tell me if they do not have fun now, then what? Waste a life away? Interesting Thai mentality. Thai girls needs lots of sex and they really moan loud. Untrained foreigners who have girlfriends here are often living the lie of their gals. Think about it, you are not around for months, you think your girlfriend stay home and clean your house diligently? With a mentality of “Do not have fun now, then what? Waste a life away?” you think so? Have you ever tamed a tigress (aggressive sexual tigress)?

Truly, looking from the other perspective, Thailand is men’s paradise. It is easy to be a gig here as I have tested waters. No strings attached relationships are very effortless to establish. Pre-requisites for foreigners, you need to know Thai. Else your scope of reach will only be that of Ah-go-go girls.

Unseen Thailand

The Thai Temple offers not only a place where you can strike lottery, but also a place where you can eat and sleep. Great news for backpackers if you do not mind the occasional drifting spirits and the skeletons that they keep for show.

Thai people when traveling, often likes to stay in temples for they do not charge you, but instead accept a donation of any amount that you will give. However, it is not to be taken advantage of as the amount of donation given is inversely proportional to the likelihood of being strike by lightning on a clear day. In a common village temple, you get to sleep in the big hall with most likely wooden floor. The toilet is literally a hole and like most Thai places, the flushing system is a bucket of water with an algae infested floating scoop in it. Sometimes when you are doing your output process, a really huge spider will stroll across the walls or a giant gecko will be watching you like a pervert camera hidden.

Meals, you get to taste real Thai food, most likely in buffet style. The caretakers will cook and layout the spread on a common table. Just pick what you want and feast. After that you could have a smoke anywhere you want, maybe even join the smoking monks, but do respect the temple and not to treat religious ornaments as giant ash trays.

Some well funded temples in the northern region offers near 3 star hotel services. It is really a hotel like building they constructed. Run by volunteers and you sleep in rooms for 2 with attached toilet that has proper heating and flushing facilities. There is commonly a pantry area where you get free flow of coffee. You need to book in advance by calling the temple up. Most Thai tour groups stay in such places. And again, pay any amount you want. From what I heard, on group tours, the organizers pays only THB$50 (SGD$2) per room per night. It is most likely they will never strike lottery in this and their next three lives.

To repay the kindness for sheltering you, wake in the morning and offer the monks your service by washing up dishes, sweeping the floor, cleaning the toilets or catching that hidden pervert gecko. Once seen on TV, in Australia, a Thai person on tour went to a scarce Thai temple there and stayed over as well.

Things I never knew. A holiday that never ends.

What are Hot Springs For?

What I am about to write is about the working quality you could get from Thai people. Although sometimes they tend to show a slight hint of intelligence, most of the time, getting a job done means patching everything together without proper future insight into the effect of a solution. That means equipment failure in my line of work and loss.

I was having dinner one day in the food court. Thai suppose to be a rather poor country aye? But hey I see wide LCD displays everywhere in the average food court. Probably someone had got huge under table transaction for approving these installations, ripping his unknown boss. Maybe he is the boss himself and could be driving a new car by now thanks to that. I love Thailand.



Anyways, it was noisy, couldn’t hear the program. The LCD was showing natural hot springs found on several parts of this nice country. It showed mostly people soaking their foot, scrubbing their foot, washing their foot, local rural people all happily chatting together sitting by the edge of the natural formation with their buffalo shit stained foot in the warmth of Mother Nature. It seemed to focus on everything’s that got to do with hot spring giving therapeutic foot treatment. The next scene showed mineral water being bottled by a factory that draws its supply from one of these hot springs. Whomever that planned this program segment is typically showing the majority incompetent side of Thai - little brains and IQ level that of single cell organism or common sense of typical pool algae. Or he could be trying to run a nation wide boycott on mineral water. Great… Thai made mineral water is natural water flowing from the scrubbed foot of Thai people. Even if I could hear what the program was saying, I still did jump to the same conclusion. Could be a voodoo thing to make foreigners drink the water and have us love Thailand forever.

Therefore, mineral water equals foot water. Beer made from mineral water equals foot soaked in beer water. Soda from mineral water equals carbonated foot water. Etc Etc. Next time you pick up a bottle, inspect to see if you can find the small translucent scrubbed off skin fragments from the underside of the Thai population.

(My displeasures in this blog are fueled by recent work issues. Nothing against Thailand generally.)

Budget Village Tour

A “Moo Barn” in Thailand refers to a village. Like in the past days of Singapore where we used to have kampong communities, the people here socialize a lot in a simple unsophisticated manner. Urbanization killed the unsophisticated human nature of Singaporeans. Although Bangkok is now a jumble of unorganized concrete and wooden housing, each area has their own hidden boundary of a kampong village. Almost once a month, some guy in the village will organize an outing, much like the Community Centers in Singapore organizing a budget road trip. I was on several of these budget tours with the Thai “Moo Barn” people.

First of all, chaos is an inherent nature of such tours. The bus seats are always almost definitely less then the people going. This is Thai nature. More people going means more profit for the organizer and any issues with seating can be sorted out with some simple jokes and ah-mahd-relak-jac approach. That means three people sharing two seats or some standing or sitting on the floor board and major seating re-arrangement, much like pieces of a chess game thrown all over the chess board. Being a spoilt Singaporean used to systematic treatment of every conceivable service in Singapore, this put my rage into 6th gear on VTEC roar and they had to persuade me to withdraw my furious request for a full refund and not to try perform an alien examination probe with my camera tripod on the organizer. The comforting thing to note is that on such tours, the buses are of a rather luxurious standard. A double deck air condition coach goes for about 15,000 baht (SGD$600) per day. And the holidaying monks always get the good view seats upfront.

Almost every appointment is late in Thailand. This is again Thai nature. So the bus started one and a half hour late and I am supposed to hold my cool and forgo the lost holiday experience time. The bus trip to KL from Singapore means perfect timing of your bladder with a single toilet stop on a 5 hour journey. Any toilet request is usually rejected by the lao-ah-beng driver whose excuse is a scheduled timing to follow. Thai bus trips however mean one toilet stop once per hour. I liked it. I do not need to enlarge my nostrils and strenuously filter the nicotine out from natural air.

On a trips like this where the destination involves rough remote roads to Mae Hong Son, there usually involves two modes of transport. The journey to Chang Mai was 9 hours. We had breakfast at one of the many rest areas where the restaurant owner pays the bus driver a “commission” for stopping by. Following a stuff food down my unawake digestive system session in the early morning, we switch to 10 seater vans to commute the rest of the journey. Such vans are rented at about 1,500 baht (SDG$60) per day with driver. The journey reminded me of the old roads behind Haw Par Villa known as juap-sar-wan (13 bends) back in Singapore. The Mae Hong Son road is jip-cheng-buay-ba-lam-par-wan (1800 XX bends). It was like traveling in a washing machine on wheels. Six more swooshing hours on a 400km road through the mountains. The view was exhilarating and at the same time breathtaking as the wheels rolled near the cliff edge. Up, down, left, right we went, I swore the contents of my scrotum were 15 percent horizontally further apart and more then 20 degrees vertically offset from each other. When we reached midway for lunch in one of the mountain villages, I believe I have achieved the medically impossible feat of swapping positions of whatever orbs I had between my legs.

We made several stops here and there along the way, all part of the tour route. Normally such budget tours will bring you to anywhere along the way where it says “Tourist Attraction” on the map. Occasionally, there will be the waterfall or hot spring stops but these are quite rare. Natural wonders are usually quite deep and involve some trekking. Not wanting the tour group to progress into a mass funeral for the 70 percent middle-aged to old folks on board, tourist attractions means temples, temples and more temples situated next to the roads. Those are where you can cremate any of the 70 percent conveniently, just in case.

Daylight means hectic 30 minute stops here and there. Once it started to turn dark, we were shipped to our lodging area. Now in Thailand, how you judge an accommodation by its name is always almost certainly wide off its mark. Maybe it could be the nation’s bad grasp of English. Maybe it is intended deception. Hotel equals compartmentalized and more then a single level. Anything standing on its own surrounded by grass equals Resort. Huay-Nam-Lin Resort (Pond-Water-Pouring Resort). Expecting a boutique hotel style surrounding and seeing the reality that this place looks like the old Institute of Mental Health 20 years ago in Singapore almost turned me into one of the actual patients.

And again. There were more people in the tour then the number of rooms booked. Village Budget Tour means free-riders, friends of organizer. Village Budget Tour also means more people more profit resource shortage and worry later. Accommodation like these cost only 500 baht (SGD$20) elsewhere but I spent an extra 1500 baht (SGD$60) to open up a room myself. Public extortion by the resort owner. It was way too expensive for this Huay-Nam-MyAss Resort but I really do not want to sleep in the tour-packaged non-air-conditioned longhouse with 10 other strangers. I do not want a shared toilet that lights goes out without warning. And I really do not want to share a bed with some uncle because there was shortage.

We were served dinner in Styrofoam boxes and water was bottled. And they turned the water supply off at 10pm without warning me, a sweaty meatball not bathed. Resort my ass. But hey, get used to it. This is Thailand. So I spend the night bathing out from the water used to flush the toilet bowl. The meteor shower in the night sky soothed my ridiculed dignity. Welcome to Thailand, I told myself, a land where unimaginable holiday service is possible.

Photos - Here under Mae Hong Son

The Ever Interesting Thai English

“Welcome to UOB call center, for English please press the pun sign. Ke ka koo kwak blahhh (Thai language continues…)”

WTF?????

Thai November

It’s November now. It’s the month where sometimes cool breezes catch me by surprise when I am working at the outdoor café. Winter is here again. It is the month where Thai students attend graduation. Well they finished exams in April, but the graduation ceremony is 7 months later. And worst of all, they gotta pay for it. Thought it did be part of the school fees. It sucks, stupid rules. The graduation ceremony consist of like up to 3 rehearsals over weekends of a month. Crazy shit. All in preparation so that they will know how to shake the hand of the Princess properly on the actual day itself. The Princess will hand down their certificates. You should practice so that you will not shake and shatter the Princess’ bones in the moment of violent excitement. She gotta shake for a full shag day, all students, one by one.

Anyway, been reading a book from Michio Kaku. Quantum theory states that an electron can appear at two places at one time. You can never know both the position and velocity of an electron. You can only know one. This alters our perception of everything. We are but atoms and electrons, so are you really there? Rabbits.. can also be at two places at one time. One moment it seems to be on the floor playing, and at the same time (so it seems), it has teleported itself onto my bed and peed on my blanket. Kan ni nah. And before you know it, it is chewing on my shoes at a corner. Fugging quantum rabbits. You can never know its exact position and velocity. This also changes my perception of everything on my rabbit. I want to kill him.

Bunny Back to Nature

I know now it is a guy. I saw his bald pink balls finally. They only appear after 4 months. Having a rabbit as a pet is something I never thought of. I know I can’t have a dog coz my room is just too small. I know I can’t have a cat coz it may commit suicide bored in my small apartment. And so I have a small rabbit.

Every morning without fail when the sun is getting up, it would rattle the cage till I wake, eager to get out. I will open the door and he will hop over to his toilet and flood it with his Tsunami of urine and litter. I drift back to bed and slumber. Following his high jump onto my mattress after he is done with business, he thinks my bed is the Garden of Eden. Scurry all over, jumps and hops. And one day last week, he scurried across my naked face like a 32 legged spider. I woke in pain. My face like a flower cat, his nails the sharp weapons. I had to apply medical alcohol all over my both cheeks.

It was a long weekend just, a Buddha come down from sky day or whatever. Thais will try to be vegetarian for 10 days. Gig and me brought him to the wild. Back to nature my bunny. Shit all you want in nature.

Photos - Bunny Back to Nature

Mission Impossible

Don't try this when wearing high voltage protection gloves. In fact... don't try this when wearing any gloves at all.

I Came, I said Short Hellos, and I Left.

Hanging by the deep end of the pool on a hangover (highly recommended hangover therapy), I contemplated.

My friends will always be with me forever, close to my heart, if I am just simply thinking of them. My friends will always be with me forever, even though I am thousands if miles away, an expat in Thailand. Fu*king bull shit.

Cold hard facts: I abandoned my life in Singapore, I abandoned my friends. I am thousand of miles away, and I can never catch up with them again. The price I paid for, for living my dreams. The paths of life are cruel and so face it I must, my big fat body and soul. There are no such things as having my friends wherever I go no matter how hard I think of them. The beautiful words that we see on cards in pretty gift shops, the soothing poems of friends afar, are all bullshit and authored only to ease the pain of banging face straight, nose first, into the hard wall of reality. We wished each moment hard that we could bring our friends together to places to share the happiness of things anew. We adjust to reality the impossibility of the wish.

Another one wedded, an old friend of 10 plus years. A reunion again where for a long time, faces you have not seen, voices you have not heard, conversations you had not had all came rushing within a tight tunnel of time. An overwhelming sensation of grief and happiness mixed like a bad cocktail. I miss you all. I wish I was back in Perth. I wish I could still be bringing you guys crabbing at Busselton, see the full moon at Cottesloe, smoke high on Blackwall Ridge and listen to Bell’s Rapids. I wish I could have coffee with you next week. But next week I am in Kop-Kun-Krup land. Facts! The next chance to meet cannot be predicted, it may be a decade again, or maybe it will be never. We move in space-time, sprawled like tentacles, each on each owns destiny. There are no such things as being fun lovingly together forever. The song played on the wedding, Forever Young, only aided to brought forth an onslaught of tears within, held back by the great dam of emotional control, constructed badly in rush. A river of unforgiving emotion I have to let flow, trickling.

Lets see how many names I can remember from a lapse of 10 years… Marcel (fat groom), Jon, Gloria, Gerald, Mattis, Carmen, Max, Derrick, Marcus, Flora, Yapster, Jacqui, Jack, Christina, Claud, Sharilyn, Malcom, Jung, Jeff, Eleen, … etc.. and how are we going to meet again? And when in time will path cross again? Don’t fu*king know dudes. And thanks dude for the hugs and pats, I never knew a hug could feel so good. One hug one memory lane rush.

I miss Orgu Jac, I miss payaya Regine, I miss Pew who’s on a different path. The four of us, together, only a reality in memory. Time changes everything. Somehow the drinking session I had with Orgu was different. I drank merrily and happily as we chatted until alcohol rendered us beyond senseless. It was not like before when I drank with a rock somewhere within. I feel free, Thailand had freed me.

I came, I said short hellos, and I left.