Behind Swollen Eyes

Guys… u know that certain races at certain time of year will travel afar and then go round and round in circles around a rock or something, and that some of them will almost certainly die in a stampede? Well…. They got something like that in Thailand too and I did it.

The Wednesday that just passed was a holiday. I got no idea what holiday it was but it seems to be related to Buddhism. Was asked by a friend to go to the “Temple Festival”. Actually, it is simply a big pasar malam around the temple and every temple in Thailand had this going on.
It was nighttime that I went, lucky for me or else my balls will cook. Walked everywhere, see hawkers selling fried bugs beetles and all. No way I was gonna have that for dinner. So we found a kuay-teow stall and decided to eat there. We had to take off our shoes and sit on the floor to eat from the low tables. Quite interesting.

After dinner, we needed to do the “vien-tian” thingy. Walk three rounds around the temple. Heck… only 3 rounds, not too difficult and so I decided to do it. Went to donate 20 baht, took a lotus, 3 incense and one candle. Lighted the incense and wanted to do the walk-round-in-circle thing already, only to be told to wait. Wait for what?….. Wait for the monks to start and lead.
Piangs… hell begins.. more and more people gather.. more and more incense burning.. whole place so smoky suddenly and no more place to stand. Finally got some strange chanting on the speakers and I see botak orange clad monks leading. Then I never knew it could take so long to walk one round. Blardee 15 minutes!!!! So many people.. all so pushy…My hands were initially religiously clasped together holding the incense and lotus. After one round, lotus has turned to lethal hammer held in single hand and incense were weapons of terror to clear the way.

When I finished the three rounds, my incense had long expired and my eyeballs were well smoked like salmon. My BO was 10 times more intoxicating and my preparation pores water holes. Buay tahan.

Thursday I woke with a swollen right eye… Something is wrong. Today lower eyelid swell like ball, smooth and shiny like dick head. Saw a doctor and taking antibiotics now. Next time go to Thai temple must wear diving gear, no kidding.

The Day We Killed Volvo

Driving back from Laos yesterday… driving hard my friend did on the Volvo….. suddenly, the engine roared like it never did before. Volvo gearbox died and we are in middle of no where… Luckily, got a car workshop up ahead and we swang the Volvo at zero horsepower into the shop. Si beh heng.
Mechanic tried to fix the problem for an hour and the conclusion was we broke something real bad. Volvo was paralyzed. It was already four in the afternoon and we were still about 600km away from Bangkok. No choice, paid B$150 for a ride to the nearest town. Bought us bus tickets for Bangkok. Started journey at 8pm… reached home at 3am. What an adventure.
I had to do my monthly thing of going to Laos and getting my passport stamped. This time we did it without our usual Thai guy going with us. Drivers were just Jason and me, both Singaporeans. Not bad for first timers trying to drive to Laos and back by ourselves. We made it there and almost made it back. Next time.. I can be independent liao… can drive without Thia guide.
Next destination…. maybe Koh Samui on a weekend that I am free. Yeah… and then in future… I can be full time tour guide for u guys coming here.

KNNBCCB - Discovery Channel in Thai!!!

My only source of entertainment… Discovery Channel. That is the channel I watch everyday when I go home….. suddenly a few days ago.. all the Ang Mohs in the show started talking in Thai.. I tot it was a glitch… that my TV can turn dual channel and I could select the English version. But FCUK! It is not my TV but the stoopid people in the office downstairs that turned the channel Thai!

They have this TV broadcast distribution network equipment in the office below my apartment. They buy channels from cable and then rebroadcast the programs to all the rooms in the residence. All settings are done in the equipment there.

Who the FCUK watches Discovery in Thai???? It is so FCUKing un-naturral! Kan puar tua CB… now when I go home so fuggin boring! Star movies also disappear now.. fugging piece of shit! I want to go attempt to talk to the office but I know they sure do not understand what I am trying to say… they are soooooooooooooo technologically backwards… fuggin pieces of stupid shit! Don’t they know there are non Thai people staying in the residence and that we do not watch Thai TV! Very very dulan… especially when I go back home and see my TV! KNNCCB! Puar bye..! @#!@@$!#@$@# Curse father, mother and all ancestors..!

When I move to me new home.. I will get my own satellite TV!

My Zippo Never Smelt Like This Before

Yesterday went home... took the zippo from the blacony... put it near to nose... almost fainted. I think it has got to do with the cotton within the zippo... took all the cotton out.. nambleh... after that whole room smelt very strange.... have to go buy zippo components... darn..

Eat Murtabak get Wheel Clamp Free

Guys… got murtabak and roti prata in Thailand…. Neber knew that. Yesterday, a girl friend brought me to some strange obscure area in Bangkok. Then I saw a sign “Murtabak”. Piangs.. very long never eat that already. Instantaneously.. I started to salivate like a dog on rabies. Ok so I had my meal… but it was a strange one. No curry to begin with. And the murtabak only plam size. Singapore’s is bigger then a piece of kotek but over here… its just a small square sized piece. And also, they only have chicken, beef and seafood (that’s new) but no kambing. They eat it with a bowl of achar…they pour the achar sauce over the murtabak. Very very strange. I ordered a beef curry and showed them the real Malay way of eating a murtabak.

After the meal… went back to car parked alongside the road… only to see a policeman in action clamping my wheels. Panic spider… waked over to car and tell police in broken Thai I am going home already.. please do not clamp wheel. Obviously he did not understand a word I said and ignored my pleas, continuing to sadistically clamp me wheels with an evil smile..

After that… I tried to pass some dough to him and asked for his assistance to help me pay the fine (heheheheheh), … he is righteous.. refused to help. So there I stood like a blur sotong… and expired every Thai vocab that I knew to no avail.

Thai friend then came over and talked… finally law enforcer stared to talked back. Darn…. lady’s charm sure worked well. She’s only 20 and she squeaked to the policeman.. explaining that I am foreigner and blah blah blah….. Conversation went on for a good 10 minutes or so and I stood there doing nothing, cant help. And when I heard them say something about me not being Thai and looking at me.. I dunno what to say back.. and just uttered to them “Murtabak very delicious”.. piangs.. u dunno how lost I am…

Finally… a settlement. A very humorous settlement it is. We went over to 7-Eleven.. bought a 750ml whisky for SG$7. Went to search for his bike.. hung it across the handle. Went back to the car… no more clamps!!!!! Like this also can….

Guys… this is not bribery. I have to say that the people here are really understating, help in anyway they could, understanding that I am stranger in strange land. It is not a life threatening crime I committed, but an honest mistake I made. Never knew that cars cannot be parked at road bends but now I know. See… lessons are learnt and chances given. No hatred was brewed in circumstance like these and I am happy to see the enforcer smile standing next to his bike, my gratitude repaid in a bottle.

In Singapore… I think I go to jail already (u guys know why right).

I love Thailand.

On the fourth day of new year, my zippo fall inside toilet bowl.....

I shouted in hokkien very loud “NI NAM BLEH!!!….” as I see my Zippo (not the big one) fall with a splash into the murky brown depths of my shit pool. After which I panicked like spider, for that is a gift from my dear friend Evan. I thought this kinda stuffs only happens in stories I hear from me friends about their mobile phones.. neber thought it can happen to me!

I poured a lot of water into the bowl… hoping that it will flush my bodily products away but nooooooooooooooo… the fugging water only turned murkier and I could not catch sight of my Zippo. No choice… flush… hope it don’t get washed away because of its weight. The water turn clear and to my despair… I dun see it anymore. Fug I though…. And just when I was about to leave the tomb of my Zippo… I see in the clear waters it slowly slide back from god knows where.

I reached for it… will sterilize the zippo… and my hand for the next 3 days… blardee hell.

I no Speak Thai, I Want My TV, GIMME THAT DARN TV!

Wow…. CNY already… so darn fast. I thought there did be some celebrations of sorts here. But nay…. Nothing. All I saw late night yesterday was some people praying to “tnee gong”… Chinese obviously.

This CNY… is really different for me.. unlike back in SG where u can feel the mood, I dun feel no shit atmosphere here. I was at a project site yesterday, started from Bangkok at 6pm and returned only at 5am this morning. What a way to spend my CNY right? Well neber mind… I will wait for the Thai New Year to come in April where everyone tries to drown each other. I bet it did be more fun then CNY in SG… and hehehe… I get to play fireworks I guess.

Just read orgu’s blog… wahhh paing… can laugh until die one. And also just read RJ’s. Spent the morning calling my mum, dad and whatever relatives I can back in SG to greet them CNY. Now back in office work. I think I need a massage… neck pain from last week is gone.. but now feel neck stressed.

Just did a simulation for a server migration in me computer systems in office, in preparation for an out country job this Friday. Will be traveling again. Will be coming back, if all goes well, on Saturday.

Just now… during lunch… went to buy a TV. There is this great big departmental store nearby office called BigC. I have been eyeing a Samsung for a very long time.. Nicam, 21” and small enough to fit in me small room. When I went there and approach the sales guy and pointed to the TV.. wah paings.. problem come.

He started blabbering away… in Thai of course.. and pointed me to another TV.. a Phillips.. and then to Sony and Etc. I tried my best to tell him… hey dude… look .. I want the Samsung. Realizing that I speak darn lousy Thai and that I am a foreigner.. he asked another of his college to assist. So there came this new chap… and I told him I wanted the Samsung.. pointed to that TV that I have eyed for some time.

Now… this new chap… was pushing some Sonys on a crate around.. before I knew it.. he unpacked the divine SONY WEGA and place it on a table top and blabber away. I said.. I know it’s nice this sony weggie but look… my table too small… unable to put this ok???

That smart chap then magically produce a measuring tape. Went over to the same friggin Phillips and started showing me measurements. WHATS WITH THE FUGGING PHILLIPS ANYWAY? At that point in time… I feel like grabbing the demo remote control and shove it into his eye socket. Since its CNY.. I decided to stay calm and avoided that approach.

Calmly.. I said to him that I am sorry but I wanted the Samsung… this Phillips too big with its extruding speakers by the side. So… I walk back to where the Samsung was. He followed and I thought… ok I can get my Samsung now.

I approached the Samsung… and there I was… next to my object of desire. With my diminishing patience and ever increasing tear in my balls, he started on the celestial WEGA again… Oh my fuggin shit!!! Where in my actions and lousy Thai does he not understood… I WANT THE FRIGGIN SAMSUNG! I told him off.. and said sorry as best as I could.. and finally he stared packing the WEGA.

And then he walked somewhere and told me to wait. And so I waited… and waited… AND REALLY WAITED. There must be this aura of stupidity glowing out of me or something for no one seems to be coming to aid in my purchase. I turned to another chap standing nearby… pointed to the Samsung, like a monkey pointing to bananas in the zoo, trying to grab the attention of visitors. By then, he already realized I speak no Thai.. and so treid to refer me to another college. I do not wished to be match made with the fuggin Phillips again.. and so I walked away. Balls totally torn.

I walked to the departmental store next door… and was able to commited the purchase in less then 15 minutes… To hell with BigC.

Happy Lunatic New Year Al

Busy busy... Nothing much... just dropping a blog to say Happy Chinese New Year to all. There seems to be no holiday for CNY overhere in Thailand.

Double Boiled Baked Brains

Kan si lang dua!!!!!! The climatic system has gone haywire and temperatures are soaring high. Winter seems to be over too fast. Never expected it to last so short. Every time I drive it feels like I am a cuisine in the making. Buay tahan.

Chares and his darling gone back.. Brought them out to cheong on Friday nite.. Piangs.. long time neber drink… cannot drink well liaos.. only finish half a bottle with him and cannot drink anymore. Kept the bottle over there… and lets see who is coming next to finish it up. We talked about having a great big F reunion at KL with the whole ching gang present… dunno if it did be a reality or not.

Everyday when I wake. I see the view from my window (see picture). That my dear friends is me gonna to be complete condo where I be staying in a few months time. Told Charles that next time, all you guys need to do is to book a cheapo AirAsia or whatever budget flights to come over. Crash at my place and we have a huge party and drown in the pool. Save dough, free stay, longer fun.

And yes... i am still having fun with me Zippo.



Baaah…. Back to work…. In office now… typing long long long reports..

Its a Darn Huge Zippo!

Backside itchy... bought this great big zippo yesterday... Darn fun. It really works.. takes the whole can of lighter fluid to fill it up.

Of Elephants & Tigers...

Very long day yesterday…. Went to work site to collect data from my software probe for analysis. Had lunch in the middle of no where and guess what I had… got Nasi Brani open by Malays in Thailand. Not bad… very delicious.. but they dun use the curry gravy… they use the thai sweet chili sauce.

Well… the fun begins after work. Instead of taking the normal road back to Bangkok, I asked my college aka driver, to drive through the mountain ranges. So up we went the windy mountain roads. The first strange road sign I saw reads “Beware – Cobra Crossing”. Then came “Beware – Guar Territory”. Guar.. I believe is a buffalo like creature because there is a drawing of a bull on the sign. Next, “Beware – Elephant Crossing”. Then… I saw “Beware – Tiger Territory”. Wah laus… If pee by road side may get balls chewed off violently by tiger…. scary. Then after some distance, there was a bunch of elephants by the road side (see picture).





We also saw many.. I mean really many naked butt monkeys along the road, like those we get to see at MacRitchie, in hidden parts of Thomson or at Bukit Timah hill. Boring… I was not driving else I make flying monkeys a reality.

Reach Bangkok about 8… continued with a meeting until late nite.. totally exhausted. Back to work today… blur like sotong.
That's all for today folks...