Friday, January 27, 2006

I Found Perth in Canada


I’ve always wanted to try peeing in winter land and see if I can shoot yellow icicles from my wee wee. Well… I got the chance in Canada but try I will not. It was minus 18 degrees. Having my sperm factory (aka balls) instantly freezing and drop off is not exactly my idea of fun.

10 over days, just gone in an instant. I am now back in Bangkok, back to my busy life and ever increasing pile of work. Canada is a place much like Perth, but better. It is a place where Chinese don’t get whacked for no apparent reasons. It is a place where if you happen to stand by the side of the road, the cars will stop for you to cross. A place where there are Indians, Chinese, Pakistanis, Africans and Canadians all rolled into one, living in surprising harmony. It is a place where you can find double layered big Mac and wonder what acrobat your mouth will have to perform in order to consume that mutant burger. 4 layers of beef patties, no joke. It is also a place where your nipples hurts, too much wind chill.

Luckily for me, my rugged double layered fishing jacket from Australia 10 years back withstood the act of radioactive decay and was still usable. My gloves however, brought new but made in China, was useless against the freezing land. Most of the time, I did not know if my fingers were still attached while I frantically snapped away on my Canon. Pictures so many I took.

Left hand drive was a real challenge. Ever seen a squid out of water? Better still… ever seen a squid out of water in the cold half frozen to death? That was me… blur like a sotong. Hands like lost tentacles all over the steering wheel and controls. Cruise control the rental car has. Transmission gear I could not locate initially for it was stuck to the side of the steering. Handbrakes were activated by a foot pedal. Driving in snow, a whole new experience. Slide all over the road our car did for a while. It was fun. Road was wide, cars were so polite. Snow it did and the tarmac was blanketed white. The hunt for a bear that I want to ram my car into never materialized. Out rental car had full insurance coverage paid but unfortunately, we were told the wild bears were in hibernation.

Banff was the next city we took our rental cars to. The number of language calculations and transformation my brain did as my Thai navigators guided me mutated me into C3-PO, the protocol droid from Star Wars. The scenery in the outback, I cannot describe in words. See my photos and awe with your mouth so open. Stopped all over we did, jumped in and out of the car and snapped away. Every corner was a new scenic discovery, every breath out in the cold so fresh. Every 3 minutes my brain disconnects from my toes and my fingers that were warped in the lousy gloves - too bloody cold.

Calgary was where we were for our 5 day intensive training. Food was unusually delicious. Tried my first double quarter pounder. The double big Mac was too challenging for my mouth. I don’t give blow jobs therefore mouth not tuned to eat that. The pounder was wrapped in the cardboard box, the box was damp on its sides. Since when did Macs have such a soggy presentation? Our Asian Macs, all burgers so dry. But the Canadian Macs, one bite and the essence of cow leaks from the crevices of the so thick patties. I can’t help, but miss the burgers there much. The city, was dotted with Chinese restaurants opened by Hongkies. Larded in sugar the batter fried pork, beef and chicken were. As I ate, I thought of Perth. It tasted exactly the same. Chinese food made for the white skin men.

Back in my office, my skin is all peeling now. I thought you get this only from sunburn, but too much cold has the same effect as I discover now. The Canada experience hopefully not once in a lifetime. Back to Canada if chance permit I will. The white winter place so cold that my Canon ran out of juice because my battery froze to death.

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