Smelly River Scary Taxi

So, to avoid the jam, one would discover one of the local transport modes Thai uses. River Taxis. First of all, the little black water channels. One would think it is a giant drain. But hey, the water is all choppy, waves all churning thanks to the countless speeding long boast that goes about their daily formula one routine up and down the channel. Speed, no speed limit. Safety, no life jackets. What about paying attention to people boarding and alighting? No attention.

One lesson learned is that, don’t queue in lines. Just horde over to the boat when it arrives, everybody at one go, parallel to the arriving vessel. Then jump on, or alight as fast as you can, synchronize your timings with the boat movements as the side bangs onto the platform. No one to tell you, no one to guide you. You have to develop how-to-board-the-bloody-boat-instinct in a matter of seconds especially if this is your first time.

My lady friend queued up behind us. We jumped, she did so after. The boat separated, and she missed. Her little frame landed onto the rough wooden portside knees first. The attendant was next to her stunt fortunately and grabbed before she fell into the abysses. Worst will be if she did and the portside came slamming back to the platform, she caught between. Well, that’s life I was told. Near mishaps like these occurs almost every other day. Safety has never been a point as the captain races against time to net in as much money as he can. The race.

Thus the harrowing ride one would experience as the boats speed past each other doing last minute maneuvers like an acrobatic plane. And then there was a loud bang behind me. I turned to watch the tail leaving the concrete channel side, the metal structure had bent but so what, the captain continued his formula one routine. The looks on everyone’s face? Nothing except me, balls rolling down my pants.

But all in all it was good fun. You just gotta try it, it is a time saver.

Happy on Mothers Day?

Once again, the odd Mothers Day had come and gone last week, the day, coinciding with the Queen’s birthday. It was a Wednesday, it was a day where most families will bring their mothers out for a good happy dinner. Happy and hearty dinner….. and so it seems.

I forward my balls whole heartedly to all the Thai restaurants (except those posh and really well organized ones). Balls to you.

I was once in banquet, I know on coming holidays, the hotels and restaurants in Singapore will call up all their standby waiters on list. To be prepared, to be organized and to prevent logistical nightmares on these fully packed occasions. That’s in Singapore. We have brains.

In Thailand, if we analyze, most restaurants are run by the anyhow bloke picked off the streets without management training. So are most of the owners. They can manage herds of buffalos, people manage they cannot. What happens the on these holidays I advice one never to eat in the restaurants. I guarantee you misery on a happy holiday. Balls to the restaurants again now accompanied by my waving middle fingers (both hands).

You will on these occasions find that firstly, looking for a parking lot means extra contribution to global warming and the already polluted Bangkok. You circle for many orbits before you find one. This comes with added fun of ramming your side mirrors into stupid people who walked the narrow streets like their father owns the roads. Assholes.

You will then most likely be greeted by queues of people without reservations, you yourself inclusive. Having to wait more then an hour, many decide to leave and find the next restaurant. You see people holding on to their shaky grandmas with walking aids inching about. It is like motion in a tortoise pond. Shaky grandmas to people ratio, 1 is to 3. Walking aids to grandma ratio, 1 is to 2. Tortoise movement 100%. These poor old souls, they come, they go without eating.

And so you find a seat finally, that’s because it is already 8.30pm after turning yourself away from at least one or two previous restaurants. You sit and its 20 minutes before some one cleared the aftermath of the previous diners off your table. The old grandmas on the other tables enjoying the same anguishing moments of happy Mothers day as you, you wonder in their hunger if they pick the meat off the eaten pork rib the previous guys left behind while no one is watching.

There will be some, those angry sons who stand up and shout at waiters passing by, and to no avail as the waiters ignore. Your eye contact with the managers will quickly be cut off as he stared and linger elsewhere into shadowy corners as he is unable to cope. And orders will be taken but serve your food will not in the next decade. You witness tartar on the many grandmas’ teeth growing as they wait silently for their food. There will be little staffs attending to all the tables this you will know. And so the energy drains from the old folks and they could not even undergo photosynthesis to supplement their strength for it is night and however green their shirts or extra large bras can be. Many tables will be silent as anger and frustration turns the night darker then night. Some will run out of patience and without paying leave, the old folks unsteadily running on reserve lead away. Go back home, eat that Maggie mee. Curses to the restaurants. Happy Mothers day in Thailand.

One word for the Thai restaurants – Stupid.

Flood of Singapore Food

More… more Singapore food. In many of theses “high-so” shopping malls popping up, we get to see more of these setups. Kopitiam, they have the bread and butter plus coffee set. Singapore Chicken Rice… coming soon and will end soon. In their other branches I see elsewhere, only quiet and stillness. I have to say that the Thai Chinese chicken rice is much better that what’s offered here. Singapore Chicken Rice stall has other dishes such as Laksa and Fried Hokkien Mee. I will give the Fried Hokkien Mee a miss anytime, it just ain’t Hokkien enough.

This Car got Balls, Yellow Ones

Somewhere in my previous post, I did mention about Thai people hanging some dollies behind their cars and its significance (Dolly behind Car). Now here’s a new twist. Balls (lam par zhi) behind cars. Let me guess, he ran over someone’s testicles on the road. Both testicles went to heaven. Now he hangs the balls there, so that the spirit of the victim’s balls has a place to stay in instead of lingering around in his cabin.

Shame is not a word in Thai

I got a missed call way past midnight, I was too lazy to answer. In the morning at 6 while I was in deep state of salivating sleep, my pillow the kotex soaking up my drool, he called and I answered. The other end of the line, a man I knew not much about but just through some business acquaintances he knew me.

“Can I borrow money… I have no money.”
“No” I answered solid.

It’s very strange this Kingdom. I am still trying to find the word for shame translated to Thai. Maybe there is just none. But one thing is for sure, shame is not something in most Thais that you will meet. Maybe it is their upbringing, maybe it’s just the culture. They just reach out their hands and ask you for money. They will tell you a story for which you must not hear, for as us expats we will be easily taken in…. at first at least. And then we learn. For in our countries all are capable, and with hands we know we work them they generate money. We survive we find our own money. But not here.

It’s not just the karaoke girls I am taking about, it could be men and anyone sexually undefined. There was once a high ranking army officer, he drives a big new Merce. Never did I think he would call to borrow 10k, for which till now he did not return. And best of all, he don’t answer calls. Everything you must learn here had to be experienced once. But try you must to minimize that experience fee (they ask for 40k, you say you only have 5k to spare). Its not just people, it’s the Thai companies as well. Not just in employment terms, but in B2B transactions these shameful acts exist. Apply this knowledge of Thais in your business endeavors, safe you will be.

Some us foreigners soaking here long, soak up these undesirable traits some did. Forget that their hands could work, and instead device confident-acts in their minds they did. And so they call to ask for money with a story indirect to “borrow” they did. It was through the 10k fee, I learned not to invest the 100k scheme. Sounds like Ponzi his tactics, it’s sad now even our own we cannot trust in this country.

Singapore is a beautiful land and full of morally truthful denizens. And when one does move over to a contrasting land, targets of gullibility the others will see. Be on guard trust no one, and enjoy the best of the land. That’s how once could survive these harsh but yet deceptively beautiful surroundings.

Red Light Cameras

And so we still think that Bangkok is a place where we can make illegal u-turns anywhere we want, drive against traffic on occasions and speed through red lights scaring the balls out of pedestrians. No more. I got a ticket sent by mail with glorious pictures of my daring feat speeding through the red lights. Yes, they have it now. Mails have been circulating warning us about these newly installed police gadgets. Where they are installed, I never know because the stupid emails were in Thai.

But one thing remains for sure from the ticket I received. Thais still work slow. The incident was captured in March. The ticket received only a week ago in July by post. That leaves me 4 months to forget who was driving the car or what I was doing. The police were probably spending quite an effort trying to figure out how to download the pictures from the camera. They are way much better in downloading porn in their offices and chatting up young girls on MSN and other trashy Thai web boards.

Red Light Cameras, they are here to stay.

Local or Overseas Contract

How to be those lucky folks that work here and get paid fat to live like an Emperor with his so many concubines? We know MNCs are great paymasters but if you ever are lucky enough to land yourself a job in one, knowledgeable you must be that they have two types of contractual agreements. Local and Overseas. Local means you get treated like Thais, get paid lean like one but be assured your job last you a lifetime as long as you can bear or perform. Overseas means you get paid two to three times more, you get accommodation in posh districts and that chuffer in at least a reputable car to pick you up for the next two to three years ahead. But your contact will end on the date of expiry or prematurely and to live on in this land, you gotta change yourself to be under local (subjected to economic conditions), losing all the privileges that came along as an expat.

But again if you being one that had lived here long and try hard you did to stay and get into a MNC somehow you had, they treat you local so there is no need to pay through their nose to get you. Which ever way you end up, whatever reduced benefits you get, as long as you love living in this Kingdom, scarifies some you just have to make. I made.

Monks – Pirate Version

And so I was in the market again. The peddler asked if I had made offerings to any monks in the market. I said no. And he advised and pointed, that at the corner is real, those at other side are fakes, so are the ones that are coming there and there, but these right in front of us a bunch of them real…. and so and so and so.

Darn… not just fake Louis Vuitton they have here, but fake monks as well aplenty. How the heck are we suppose to tell which to be genuine and which not other then lifting up their robes to see if they wear underwear. Real monks don’t wear underwear (at least that was what I was told).

Thai Crushed Cats

I didn’t do it.
Disclaimer: No cats were hurt in anyway physically, mentally or sexually during the documentation of this blog. They were in a deep state of weird sleep.

Thai Girl Scouts so Cute

If these were the girl scouts I have seen during my schooldays as a young boy, I would have definitely developed an attraction towards boys and turn gay in midlife.

The way Thais Prepares Garlic

Back home we peel our garlic clean before we eat them, that’s what our mothers taught us in the kitchen. The only time we leave the skin on is in certain dishes like Bak Kut Teh (pork bone soup) where we throw the whole glove intact to be boiled forever in the soup.

In Thailand, the large garlic we have, they called them China Garlic. Thais don’t really like em as they are too spicy and not that fragrant. Thais uses Thai Garlic. Very small cloves of garlic which will kill you just trying to peel them all. So how? Don’t peel (Anyway many Thais are lazy people so why should they?). Just crushed em all up, not even washed them beforehand. Their excuse, the garlic skin gives additional flavors. True to an extend depending on what had clung onto the skin.


This is the way we do it, we grab a handful blind, we throw em in and just pound them with all our might. Little critters, small stones, soil and some, do we bother, not we do. Which was why I lost half a tooth four years ago eating garlic fried fish happily as I chomped onto a small rock and my tooth then after rots.

Packs of them in the Wet Market

In the wee hours of the morning they come by genetic instincts to the wet markets. Never alone but in pairs or in packs some will arrive. There will always be that alpha male of a different breed leading and seeking food for the pack. They wonder the narrow lanes of the market, or they stand guard on corners accepting whatever people will feed to them. These are territorial creatures and warrant a fierce brawl should one pack accidentally step onto the other’s ground. No, they are not dogs nor wolves. They are monks from the so many nearby temples.

The alpha male, usually not a monk, leads and collects the alms into bags when a person gives. He is more like the manager and seeks out territory and resolve disputes should one occur. The yellow robed monks, walks along quietly and performs rituals when people come forth and kneel. These are everyday scene one could experience when visiting the markets in the mornings – aka legalized begging. If this would to have happen in Singapore, the lockup cell in your neighborhood police post would be overflowing with yellow robed monks filled up like sardines, with the occasional one or two drunk drivers from earlier.







Ad so I snapped away on my phone curiously. That is until the alpha male gave me the stare. I walked away and stood having my Nestle coffee in my hand waiting for my friend to arrive. Alpha male came forth and “bark! grrrrrrrrrrr… woof woof… rrrrrr (growling… )”.

Translated:

Alpha Male: “Why take picture you many many? 7 am it is not. I have rights and permission to stand at corner!”
Blogger: (silence and blur)…..
Alpha Male: “I have card from police I show you now!”

He took out a card with the police logo hung around his neck hidden by his shirt.

Alpha Male: “Why take picture? Nothing wrong I do, I follow my permission given, this my card permit from police, see logo police.”
Blogger: “Big brother, I take picture many many because in Singapore land home of I, market no have monk. I see monk interesting, want to take picture show friend friend. Holiday I am in Bangkok, I not Thai person big brother.”

The after that it was all smiles and pat on my back and welcome to Bangkok very warm feelings. He even bid me goodbye when I was carrying bags of veggie along with my friend walking to the car.

I am Thai now.

Cheaper by the Dozen

Thailand, a land so much bigger then Singapore. Although Bangkok has the most number of Seven Elevens crammed into one single street, it will not be every time a convenient store such as that or that Minimart is around the corner, especially in the outer regions. So you need Durex and you cycle through the narrow dark street risking crazy dogs chasing you in an attempt to separate your balls, and on arrival, no stock. So what to do when a convenient store is just not a convenient amenity after all and how to prevent mass village unwanted teenage pregnancy? Spray Shelltox into her CB* after load deployment lah!. I mean look, if you ever spray insecticide on a tadpole, it dies. Sperm is same shape as tadpole but 1000 times smaller and opposite color. Just imagine shooting tadpoles out of your dick one by one, same shaped things come out expect may be uncomfortable. Same shape them both, so insecticide should work as well **.


Makro, is the place I am talking about in this entry. It is a giant warehouse where goods are sold in bulk. Soy sauce, pepper, eggs and such, all bought by the dozens, packs of one kg and one fifty respectively. One liter Pepsi sold in bulk of twelve and I so happy they are really so much cheaper then in Seven Eleven. We buy, we store and we use them for long. So we could skip the Shelltox into CB* procedure, buy a cargo load of Durex like you never seen before in Singapore.

* CB = vagina in Hokkien.
** The author of this blog shall not be responsible for any disfigurement, pain, long terms effects on CBs and will not be held responsible in any legal or non legal manner should the reader attempt to try the birth control method mentioned herein.

Students in Uniforms

In the dim atmosphere of the Kareoke venue, the young student waitress in her so tight blouse served, her flaring back mini skirt exposing legs as drooling old men eyes gazed.

“New here?” I asked.
“Yes kha…”
“Study where?”
Blank stare back….. then “No we are not students. We just came from the south a day ago looking for jobs. We have no suitable work attire.. so we brought the cheap uniforms and wear them for work.”

And so now we know, not all students are students. Both 18, young and fresh. An apartment they will share for THB$3000 per month. 2 hours into the night I asked “Much tips you have collected I see, how much already?”

“Just THB$1500 kha”.

Run this through your mind. 1500 x 30 days per month = THB$45,000. Better then working in the office as an educated accountant starting at just THB$10,000. The easy money of the night life, the salary scale of the working world which was never adjusted over the years in a Kingdom. The simple thinking of the many young girls' minds. And so thus the many fun for the seasoned working men with loaded pockets, Bangkok the city of cute young Angels.

Got Hole?

My worker, a girl of 16 married at 15 she did. Why I asked. To tie her flirtatious boyfriend down she replied. Only one word in my mind – Naive. The majority of Thai men I know are sexual predators. You mix around with them, you pub with them, you talk to them you know. A pubbing event is not about catching up with friends and relaxing, but is all about looking for prey. See how desperate they get when near closing hours and laugh in your hearts witnessing what steps and what spoken strategy they use. But strangely, most desperate attempts results in a fruitful night at the short-time shack hotel for THB$400 for 2 hours. Theses hotels are everywhere, theses predators are everywhere and so are preys.

We met a neighboring country business girl during a business trip on the flight so full of businessmen. The next thing I knew my colleague screwed her. A boss went with a worker for an out-country trip, tired he was a traditional massage he needed. But the worker wanted otherwise and so worker was given some welfare to visit the “special” massage while boss went to another joint for the tradition massage. Traditional massages are performed by senior ladies of at least 40 and up. They don’t provide any “special” and even if they do, you did need a massive dosage of Viagra to achieve workable penile status, probably more effective if you are unconscious. We will not screw our grandmas let’s put it this way. The worker finished his business and came over to the traditional joint. He chatted with a massage aunty, then he screwed her for THB$500 while waiting for boss. Puke…..

I once rewarded my hard working staffs. Brought them to a “fish-tank” I did, in a far off dull provincial project I was. Okay, so it was really cheap the rates but I have my code of specifications. I could most certainly associate each of them service providers with at least one type of mammal, crustacean or even trucks in serious high speed crashes. My staffs screwed them anyway. There I sat and waited. I sipped beer and had problems swallowing both the drink and the thought of walking into a zoo and grabbing any otter, platypus, senior squirrels in range and performing procreating acts with them.

Thai men, they go for anything with a hole. Witness by yourselves in your prolong time in this Kingdom and you will realize most men are “open-spec”, meaning no specifications required. If you are foreign woman here you could get to see how they make their moves on you. You could be a rich lady on another status level. They could be the boy from lower management. It doesn’t matter their society limits they won’t be concerned. They just want your you know what they want.

So what happens to the DNA of some Singaporeans who were relocated here for a long career? Then back to Singapore these some were posted. Bring back the fun, bring back the days and only in memory should it be linger. Some had changed and became “open-spec” and to hunt in Lucky Plaza some had did. Filipinos, yes some do look like Thais, but for Buddha’s sake have some standards, don’t be a maid fu*ker.

Most Thai men, anything can screw they screw - unbelievable. And also the fire-and-forget principle applies, for which the case of the business girl I will mention. Before the achievement my colleague always cited about her. After the gain, no more references and his target (the hole) had been reset afresh. It’s like they are cavemen of sorts, to eat to sleep to hunt and to sex. How to stop such behavior you wonder? Well, have a domain of single gender and have all men no women. You can’t stop them, you can’t alter their primordial behavior. Some will turn gay and they will try to have children with each other.

The Hidden Bangkok

You could be driving along and turn into a street you never did in Bangkok, and wooo yeah. Heaps of scantly dressed ladies with their bosoms so revealing telepathically communicating with your groin. Smiling in the shadows between street lights, the tigress knocks on your windows as you cruised at a snail’s paced by. You could have them for 1000 a night. The topic ain’t about this… hehe.


You could be driving along and turn into a street you never did in Bangkok, and … be greeted by the most remarkable view you had ever seen while in Bangkok. A field of sunflowers, dead in the middle of nowhere, in a period you know Sunflower seasons ain’t suppose to be. Amazing Thailand.

A Future Business – Sell Boats

It only seems to get worst, the flood I encounter as the Bangkok years went by. Rain like never before, winds so strong they flip trees and roofs over. Flood the streets I live inundated. You want to visit a floating market you won’t need to travel far. The wooden booth, the aluminum push carts, the peddlers on the streets all soaked in water, floating market is everywhere. Rain, it had did heavy, the air in Bangkok so clear after. Fresh the air is, clear the sky I see the distance for miles. Boats a business one could do Bangkok, given another 10 years sea level rises as global warming prevails over.

They Ain’t no Barley

Ok guys, this is gross. If you happen eat around with friends of the E-San and see what seems to barley beans, ask first. This was a picture I took from the menu. Those white bean like stuffs – red ants eggs (the curry pok antz we call them in Singapore, those in rambutan trees). I don’t want no ants to crawl out me backside hole, I don’t wanna eat them.

Numbers

I been busy, that’s all I can say for not updating my blog. It’s been more then a month and I’ve ventured into unknown territory and learned much more about Thailand then I ever could. Those I shall write along the way but today, I bring to you numbers.

Ang mohs believe 13 is bad, 13 is good for Chinese. 13 for Thais don’t really mean anything, but surprisingly some blocks of condos just don’t have the floor 13. 9 is a good number for Thais as I did mention before, and 4 does not mean die (we Chinese don’t like 4). I have been seeing special license plates with all 4s. If one dreams of snakes, then one buys lottery number with 6s or 9s. And now about 25 and 30, not for Lottery or Toto numbers, but these two numbers are associated with something about age. 25 for Thai ladies just ripe, many get married by then, and 30 is just over the edge. Shelf live expires if unmarried, but hey that’s all universal and not just for Thai ladies. Its not about marriage here I wanna share, Thais believe these two ages are critical points in one’s life. If one gets over these two years alive, one would likely go on to live till a fruitful old age.

Thais believe many unlucky things could happen during the ages of 25 and 30. I know someone who is 30, many accidents she encountered this year and in one, the car was completely crushed. Fortunately, she’s still alive and kicking in my office now. So, she will most likely get married, have kids, and expire at 100 or whatever. My worker tells of his many misfortunes, his age at 25 the upper heavens tested him unforgiving. He was knocked off his motorcycle by a robber, and the heavy cars whizzed by him without crushing his head. Many more stories to hear if you just ask around, and you will find them most interesting all the stories they say they could been dead. Be caution all they say, don’t do the adventurous, don’t do the risky at those ages.

25 and 30 they will come, but for me it was way over and I seemed to have the best times of my pubbing days then. Maybe in those years the lightning had struck the tree I was near, but in those state of memory lapses how could I have remembered.

Black Songkran 2009

So it had come to a point where the newspapers called the day Black Songkran. The first day of the festival, was covered in violent clashes and some bloodshed. I spoke to some local folks. One that runs a laundry had gotten sick of the protester and only wanted it to end. She mentioned that the reds are ruining the business for Songkran and interrupting the everyday lives of Bangkokians. She was fuming mad when she spoke of the situation.

And so I spoke to another most interesting character. In Singapore, everyone works. Over here, there exist people who do not work for their entire lives. Alcohol is part of his body’s chemistry. And fuming mad he said, the reds had been treated unfairly, why the soldiers used forceful tactics on the reds when during the yellow protest there was not. Luckily laundry lady and drunk, who are relatives, did not get into forming their own member groups and trashing it out.

Too many stories to hear, too many frustration they want to vent. Frustration is not just about which side one should be on, but the frustration of living with constant poverties in their lives. Frustration over many more matters we could not comprehend, but we know violence is a way to release them.

If you had ever caused chaos, you know it felt great and could be addictive after the adrenaline rush. And this was what had taken place, with many more people joining the protest just for the adrenaline kicks I reckoned. Thais called them the Third Hand. They declared war with many local residence and areas of major businesses such as markets. They threw fire bombs into residential flats, they shoot people and people shoot back. They wore red.



The peak of the event was on first day of Songkran when the situation was really getting out of control. All petrol stations were closed near evening time for the fear they will get blown up. All the major malls closed at eight thirty, I was chased out. But strangely on the streets just a few blocks away from many ground zeros, music was on full blast and the transvestites were dancing in wet t-shirts on the streets. The other provinces were in full celebration, the temple I went for tamboon was packed. Thais just want to have their Songkran day.



Thais told me Thais had a brain like a gold fish – short term memory. Thais forget easily. And true enough on the second day of Songkran, the place looked like no violent protest had happened before. The TV showed the red protesters peacefully going on to buses headed back to north and north east. The protest had officially ended, the red had lost. Red, white, yellow, blue and military green discarded their colors, people playing the water had increased in numbers. We could really see the spirit of Songkran now.