Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Chaophraya Cruise

Finally, I was on board the infamous river cruise so well talked about by the tourist. Cost about SGD$32.00 per pax. We got it at SGD$24.00 during a recent travel fair. To get your tickets, normally would be to call up the hotels along the river side where these cruises are offered. And they range many. From the really expensive ones offered by Shangri-la to the really “low-so” ones by what looks like above average “hotel-fun-fun”. That’s the one I went… “cruise-fun-fun” by the “hotel-fun-fun”. The food was terrible.


Steak was cold, overcooked and somehow powdery. None of that BBQ charred fatty bits giving that unique taste to a good steak, more evidence you can never find good western steaks here in Thailand.

The Thai spread was limited and even the Thais complained it was worst then eating from the lousy street side stalls set up by the unlicensed hawkers. It was terrible. They made even the simplest BBQ river prawns taste bad. They were small and tasted like they had died three months ago but kept in the freezer.


DIY coffee tasted like it had baby cockroaches brewed with definitely not Arabica.


Chunks of cheap looking ice blocks, otherwise known as ice-creams.


The deco of decades old, like that of an old 70’s dining hall. They had a live band and the only things worth looking at were the dancers. The uncles drunk went up to them and they all danced together. Must give tips. Reminds me of bad karaoke clubs in the distance provinces.

And I had to be in the worst place to die if the ship hit a barge, I had to do the big business in their confined toilet, surprisingly, I have to give credit to this. The toilet was clean.


Well, I guess the objective was not to enjoy the bad 15 minutes of buffet accompanied by Pepsi overdosed with too much carbonated water losing its taste. We spent the next 2 hours or so up on the deck enjoying the breeze. And we scrutinized the couples so many, the old men with their young karaoke girls on their Sundays off.

Moral of story. Pay peanuts get monkey. Go for the expensive cruise if I have to. Next time.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Thai Aerobics


The birds chirp away, the morning breeze blowing gently. A bunch of ah gongs and ah mahs in the vacant lot below the block going…. “fuuuuuuuuuuu siiiiiiiiiiiiiii fuuuuuuuuuuu siiiiiiiiiiiiiii”. Typical Tai Chi exercise in Singapore. If you stare long enough, you may just witness one or two of them dropping dead as their hearts stop. And what do we have in Thailand. Its evening about 5pm. Middle age aunties dancing to techno music anywhere there is vacant land where a stage can be set up. The feminine man aerobics instructor dancing vigorously to the beats, the aunties all hoping they had brought better sports bras.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Pet Clinic

Surprisingly, if you can read Thai, there are so many vets you can find in Thailand just driving around compared to the number of them in Singapore. Clinics and vets share the same common green gross sign so it can be quite a challenge to find one if you don’t read the language of smiles. If you have a dog or a cat (common pets) then every what looks like a vet will be able to treat them. If you have exotic pets, such as lizards, birds or the weird rabbit I own, then going to find a vet becomes an adventure. The wordings out front the vet states what animals they treat, the brain of mine was however unable to make out what is written. Your beloved pet may accidentally undergo a sex change operation, the abundance of gender change clinics here, the same green cross and words in Thai I don’t understand.

Thais are never on time. So fitting a plan to the vet in your tight working schedule will definitely be blown apart. So take half a day off. He came an hour late, and stared at rabbit thinking it was a small dog. I doubt the certificate hanging on the wall. I don’t read Thai. It could have been qualification for balls massage issued by some Temple of Kamasutra. He grappled with my rabbit and of course rabbit panicked. My rabbit was lovely, it ran towards my belly jutting over the low table top. Rabbit attempted to scale my body but sick without energy he stood and cling. I embraced my rabbit to soothe his panic, still he stood and grip on my tummy.

One rectal thermometer probe, two jabs and saline or whatever intravenous drip of a minute it took. Rabbit had a fever the doctor said. 3 days of visiting and now my rabbit is back to almost normal but developed a strange appetite rejecting the pellets he so liked. I will have to change his diet. The visit didn’t cost much, about SGD$14 per trip. You can get the doc’s number, call him for a house visit if in emergency. Vets for dogs and cats are easy to locate. Vets for rabbits and exotic pets are not. My vet is not a rabbit specialist. The medication I took home labeled it’s for dogs.

Dear vet, my rabbit is not a small dog.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

We will we will Rock You!


That’s how you rock your cradle of babies over here. Simple, dusty, open to mosquitoes, rats and geckos. Rock your baby to sleep, beware the Python that sleeps nearby. If the Python don’t get your baby, baby may strangle in entangle, the wide gaps of the cradle.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Recess Time


Say, are you in your mid 30’s, do you remember your childhood Primary school days? What do we do during recess time and after school? We did what the Thais do now. Gone are the days where in Singapore we rode our BMX into the forest to catch crabs. Gone are the days when we played catching and such. I am not sure if children still play go-li. I got a feeling the children of Singapore spend their play time in Vice City of Grand Theft Auto. Or they did be stuck to the LCD in cyber world. There’s no more nature in Singapore, life is but full of electronics. Look at the Thai children, they do what we did back then.

Friday, June 13, 2008

People can Die from Food Allergy in Thailand

Singaporeans. Complain, complain and complain. Everyday nothing to do but complain. Go holiday, everything also complain. Come Thailand, complain, complain about service, food and Thai people stupid. Complain, complain I hear so many.

To me, theses complaining I take it as caused by the short patience of our Singapore attitude. I have now adjusted my attitude and think that, hey, it is not Thailand that is stupid, it is us Singaporeans that are just complaining too much, it is our own fussiness that is the fault. It should be the Thais that should be complaining about us Singaporeans speaking too loud and with our bad attitude in their land. Until yesterday….

13 Coins, a very successful chain of family orientated restaurant with affordable Thai and Western huge servings of delicacies catered for the average to middle income group. Who serves? The average drop out or that kid from the slump. That Dek Skoi or Dek Vann (teenagers on screaming scoters), or maybe with some intelligence, the student that works part time. Who manages? Naturally, if the crew managers are educated, they would not be working in 13 Coins serving.

I had my fair share of fun making fun of Muslims, but yesterday a Muslim was my friend. Muslims don’t eat pork. Muslims are known as Kun Islam here in Thailand. It is common sense that Kun Islam don’t eat pork and we all respect that just as how they respect Buddhist don’t eat beef. I specifically mentioned to the boy taking my order about that. I specifically told him no Pig please in all the dishes I ordered and to inform the kitchen. I spoke in Thai, it was very clear my instructions.

Kun Islam and me ate through dinner. Three quarters of the way through, he pulled a piece of meat from the Bake Prawn Vermicelli. Allah shit… we both panicked and asked for the waiter to attention.

“Whats this?” I asked. Waiter kept still.
Then manager comes along seeing our commotion.
“Whats this??!!!” I repeated.
“Bacon.” The manager happily answered smiling.
I tell you that after my screaming, both of them no more smile.
They gave me another Bake Prawn Vermicelli free of charge plus simple “Sorry”. We did not touch that.

So, if you are one of those that are allergic to certain food. Don’t trust nobody in Thailand. The food service industry is full of stupid uneducated people, proven!!!. To them, BACON or HAM could be interpreted as meat from another imaginary exotic animal but not that of a pink fat PIG. That’s how simple minded they are, word for word they understand. Dismantle your food and scrutinized every piece of suspicious object. You may die developing a reaction and add to statistics – People Dying from Food Allergy in Thailand.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Words of Wisdom

From an old wise Singaporean whom I recently met in Bangkok (an no, he is not Taxi driver):
In Singapore, you have freedom of speech. But after you speak…. No more freedom.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I Keep Water


No, they are not giant urns where the centuries of family ashes are poured in and accumulated. Neither are they strange looking garbage bins. Of course it is impossible to balance yourself squatting on one of these so, they are not the open air nature toilets.

Kind of reminds me of the show Dark Water, could be a dead Jap girl in each of them. These huge concrete jugs are use to collect rainwater for the everyday use, from cleaning, bathing to washing the dishes. I am not sure if they cook and drink the rainwater but I hope they do not. Of course they don’t belong in the metropolitan though you do get to see them once a while among the older households within the city area, reminiscence of the past once was. However, they can be found in abundance among the rurals, where we thought of the past still lives.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Death by Balls


This news had been circulating lately. The Thais told me it was on their newspapers (I don’t know if to believe). Broken hearted, the male who got ditched decided to hang himself, by the balls. He succeeded and was found dead.

Saturday, June 07, 2008

Singapore Songs


Guys…. Check this out. Found an island of dead floating ants in my leftover Cola glass in the morning.

Lyrics:
Singapura… oh Singapura, sunny island, set in the sea.
Singapura… oh Singapura, Pretty flowers bloom for you an me….

Singapore, an island of economy. Not much of natural resources and granite had all been mined. Singapore, we live each day chasing for money for that’s what rolls the economy. That’s the only thing we got, people and brains. Envied by thy neighbors this country so rich and clean. And yet as an ant in the millions we each are, work till death do us apart. That’s what we are, like the floating island of dead ants. We work we can’t relax. We don’t join in the rat race and we will become obsolete. We have no farms we can’t be leading the simple life. We max out our life just to be a passage for the island’s cash flow.

Chorus:
This is my country (the island of ants), this is my flag
This is my future (they are all dead eventually working for their colony), this is my life (a bloody ant)
This is my family (all the dead ants), these are my friends (also… all the dead ants)
We are Singapore, Singaporeans

Friday, June 06, 2008

Flood so Many, Bangkok no Money?


Normally after a sudden heavy downpour, we get floods, floods, accidents, dead rats floating and more floods. The drainage system here in Bangkok ain’t that great. Couple that to the urban myth that Bangkok is sinking and the global warming induced high sea level, channeling the waters out of this crowded metropolitan could be a real challenge.

Floodgates are everywhere for control, but I guess the operators are usually drunk somewhere near their post. We see some water pumps on the roads to aid the channeling of the water, but I guess most of them don’t work when needed. Financial budgeting may not have touch down to this ground level for the much needed civic maintenance, hush-hush filtration effect of the higher echelons. One soi (street) as your only route in and out of your accommodation is common, so if it floods you are stuck. That’s the way of the Bangkok life, guess we need to have a rubber dinghy for standby when flood.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Cockles Farm

Ever wonder when flying into Thailand and you look out the window, the shorelines of Bangkok are streaky lines breaking into the dirty green sea, what they are? Well, this area is Samut Prakan, where the river empties into the Gulf of Thailand. These lines breaking perpendicular to the gulf are actually gravel roads and bunds that encircle farms of sea creatures.


These are the crab farms, fish farms, cockles and other shellfish farms, I visited one of them. Roads leading here are gravel, so when it rains there did be a high possibility that you will turn into a rally driver drifting sideways smashing into the pond of a million crustacean forming the livelihood of the simple people. When it rains, especially during a high sea tide, the proper roads leading into these areas could well be flooded so better to drive your 4WD if you got one.


The farmers live off the land (ok the water). They go into the brackish fields and feel for the cockles. They net in their fish or they massively drain the entire farm during harvest time to pick their “fruits” for the local wholesalers.


As the men work the waters, the women waited the side. The seafood is freshly eaten, by steaming, by cooking, by frying with the smell so fragrant. But the farmers will never openly BBQ their catch on the premise, for they believe it to be burning their live stock, their own money. A superstitious belief that they all strictly adhere to for the fear that their stock will diminish, as the crustacean scream on the hot coal and be heard mysteriously by their herd in the water.



And what they do for fun, they swim in the irrigation canals. The current could be strong, but their bodies could counter the streaming waters. And to the pole they held themselves against, and chatted and laughed as I wonder. I wonder the saying Thais cannot swim, and yet I saw them waddle.


Oh strange Thailand, I discover you everyday, I sat smoking, the long boat passes.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Little Miss Grouchy

Well not exactly… she is an old fat bag of grouchiness. This is how all who goes to the Thai Embassy in Singapore will be going to have for the impression of Thailand. She comes around the queue early in the morning, a Singaporean who speaks bad Thai shouting commands at her subordinates. Like your childhood form teacher she will be, checking on all your forms and particulars at hand. And when she spots a mistake, she will tell you to correct them in a stern voice and that “I had not had sex since 23 years ago face”. What’s this many would wonder… ain;t Thailand suppose to be the Land of Smiles? Oh no, in Singapore you are, this ain’t no Little Thailand. And then the Frenchman forgot to bring one of his particulars and turned into a wet market the place did.

OBG (old bag of grouchiness, in very rude tone): “No, you cannot get your Visa today, you must show your air ticket, Singapore to Bangkok and Bangkok to your home country.”

Well the very first rule of customer service she broke, was that she never spoke with politeness…

FM (Frenchman): “I don’t have them with me, but why should I show?”
OBG: “No, rule change now, must show, and you must bring SGD$1000 with you, or else no Visa.”
FM: “But I only have Euro$200.”
OBG: “Then you cannot get your Visa lah.”

Secondly… instead of being helpful to explain, she made the situation worst by emphasizing the SGD$1000. FM then started to get really agitated.

FM: “Why? How am I to show ticket, I live in Thailand, I come to Singapore to get my Visa. I am going back to Bangkok marry my Thai woman, how am I to show ticket for Thailand to my home country? I have not plan to go back to my country. I am marrying in Thailand.”
OBG: “No! Rule change, you don’t have documents you no Visa today. Must have SGD$1000 and ticket to show Singapore Bangkok, Bangkok to home country.”


FM then moved out of the queue, tempers raging as OBG walked away ignoring the FM to check on others. Again, OBG did not explain or help in finding an alternative or suggest a solution but treated the customer like a children with an “I don’t care, no lollipop for you today” attitude. FM then re-approached OBG.

FM: “I want to speak to your boss, what am I suppose to do? Why you have so many rules? You have to help me.”
OBG: “I don’t want to talk to you early in the morning. You no Visa today, must have documents. We changed our rule and all have to follow”.
FM: “I don’t understand why show ticket Bangkok to my home country.”
OBG: “You don’t have SGD$1000 no Visa for you.”


See, OBG simply did not want FM to have his Visa. Then she diverted attention to the fact that FM had only Euro$200. OBG simply wanted to agitate the FM.

FM (raging read faced inferno): “I have Euro$200, how am I to know I need SGD$1000?????”
OBG: “No, no, I don’t want talk to you. You must show ticket Singapore – Bangkok. Then we know you will go to Bangkok, if not how we know you go to Bangkok. Bangkok to your home country, no need. You no SGD$1000, you no Visa today.”


Strangely, she had then revealed a little more info which could help. You only needed to show the ticket confirmed for Singapore to Bangkok, and not Bangkok to another country. That gave me relieve for that was what I had. I was listening intensely as I only had the Singapore to Bangkok ticket.

The argument went on a whole hour, the helpless FM went to the counter arguing, the helpless FM chased down the OBG arguing, the FM was all over the embassy and no one provided him with a clam reply and properly explained the situation to him in a professional manner.

So now when we, the ones who went to Thai Embassy in Singapore think of Thailand, we think of grouchiness, not the Land of Smiles. If that’s the way Thailand wants to portray their image, an old bag of grouchiness, so be it.

Monday, May 26, 2008

A Short Catch Up

We had our drinks my old pals and me. Miss them I did, very much. And as we walked through the shadows in the valley of tipsiness, my black friend mentioned he had just been to Japan and soaked in the natural springs with the untamed monkeys of the surrounding. Wow. When will time allow, for the group of us to go crazy together again, a holiday to be enjoyed in the true company of friends?

If we did be rich and the strictness of time permits, it won’t be just black man in the spring alone. It could be him, Manoj, eyes wide open, mouth opened head titled back catching for breath in the rocky spring with the red ass money sucking his cock under water. And Yoga Brian, with his camera running around naked, taking shots of Manjo in ecstasy, practicing at the same time some obscure lost art of lum par yoga. Three moneys dangling from between his legs as he moves around and snaps away on his SLR. One money sucking his cock, the others independently sucking his left and right ball. Yes and they are all dangling heavily and Brian can take it no problem. Com’on, he can dangle 42” LCD TV from his balls, what are three monkeys to him. Wait… actually there is a fourth money, fucking Brian’s ass from behind, also dangling.

And Evan, well, laughing aloud at Manjo, but with an expensive colorful Japanese carp suckling frantically at his cock underwater. And me, typing away this blog in the mist of the cold Japanese weather oh yeah.

Gotta plan for a holiday with friends. But again, when will time and money permits.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

The Singapore Massacre, by China

As I waited for my friend to fetch me form Terminal 2, the lady in her slightly glittering grey dress attracted my eyeballs to uncontrollably just stare. In surprise as then me thought Singapore girls are really getting prettier after long period of not being back on the island city. And then she approached me, and I thought I was lucky.

“Do you speak Chinese?” she asked in mouthful of western accented English.
“Yes”…
“Here is which floor?” in her China gun she continued.

And so, I realized, she was a China women, probably waiting for her Singapore loan shark sugar dad to pick her up.

In the MacDonald’s I was, and there was a fat old man not much to look at, with an accompanying sweet young thing of about twenty two, chubby fair and that so sweet face. Ran through my mind was that hey, I didn’t know it’s a trend now for young Singapore girls to be dating loaded mature man, age differences of roughly twenty. Is the culture changing to that likeness of Bangkok where most girls are in a way “smarter”, following the Darwinian’s theory - survival of the fittest and the boy band looks are not of priority? And in China gun she spoke as they whisked passed me. Oh I see.

And so on the bus I was, and nothing attracted me like the pair of exotic looking girls so much standing out from the rest of the bus load of other people, other girls. In China gun they spoke. And in the car park, the old Beng walks away from his sporty ride, the girl was so attractive, in China gun she spoke.

What has become of Singapore? Is the Singapore girl so bland with their always almost flat facial features? The men are all hooking up with exotic women from the China land. The China women are all attaching themselves to the loaded male Singapore population. The man falls easy prey to the taste of a different pasture. We are invaded and so now I know why many had told me, Singapore is infested with the people of China. They have come to take our money, it’s always about money wherever you are.

In their dog-eat-dog country where competition in this playing field is strong, they had envisioned and devised the ultimate plan. Infestation of the money rich land and reap what they can, there will be a better yield rate. And so we are attracted by their exoticness, men we are all testerone driven. But certain of these people from the lands of our ancestors, are ten times uglier within then that worst of characters you thought.

Thai people don’t like the China tourist for reasons. They shoved their way through crowds without any slight exhibition of politeness and apologies. Rude they are, speaking always at the top of their voices, the world they think under their feet, their chin held high as the talked. They bring their dog-eat-dog mentality to wherever they go, you are a stranger your will always be their enemy, they push you aside.

In my orderly queue at the MRT station, a China Airlines bitch forced her way into mine as I was at the gate, she swiped her card on the reader, just as I was about to swipe mine. She didn’t care, she shoved me and walked into my way then just passed through the gate. This attitude, now injected into the already Kiasu island city as more and more of our gullible men opens the opportunities for more of them to come. How ugly then will the Singaporean becomes. We are not really renowned for our manners, now it will only get worse.

I could see why so many of us are attracted to them. The very majority of Singapore girls are too plain for my taste now and so do many share my views. They treat us like a King in our private domain, we never felt this way before. We are pig’s head on the butcher’s table. But beware, they are descendants of farmers, simple mindedly, they only fight for their own survival and we have to admit, they are very witty, cunning and manipulative to put in bad words. Be awake when you involve them into your lives. Its going to be carnage in Singapore with the ever increasing grow of their infestation.

The Chinese are coming, the Chinese are coming. Or, are they already here?

Monday, May 12, 2008

Do u M?

Ask by a Thai… “Do u M”? In my mind “M simi lan jiao (aka … WTF is M..)????”

“M – MSN.”

Still trying to get in line with Thai acronyms.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

MH2001 Wireless Headphones

Thinking that good things come cheap.. no. This is what cost SGD$12, made in China. It will never work in Bangkok. Too many radio waves. Instead of tuning to the TV it was connected to, the headphones tuned itself to all other radio channels with a mind of her own.


I opened it, attempting to attach an external antenna to the circuitry. Obviously as seen in the bin, it was a frustrating 2 hours that resulted in this picture.

Made in China products, can you trust them? I worry now that most power plants and installations are now flooded with aggressive cheap protection products from China. They cost so much less then the European’s. Price cheap, quality zero. But the Thais are buying into them anyway. Too easily fooled by what’s on the cover of the book. Same me as in the MH2001 case.

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

What goes Ka-Boom on the Road

Your tyres, yes they do. Especially if you have not changed them for two years and especially if you drive fast for work out country most of the time. Thailand is not like Singapore, where there is always a petrol station round the corner where assistance is readily available.

Rules of thumb. Must change tyre once every 2 years, even if they look new, because they can dry up and crack with the ultra hot weather here. Yes, it is expensive if you are using anything smaller the 55s. But stingy you must not I learn. I had them 55s for three years and change them I did not. Could have flown off the bridge in a spinning car and be mistaken for a Peugeot UFO crashing down from Venus.


Totally burnt while driving flat unaware at speeds until overwhelming burning smell detected.


Other still groovy wheels have ashes in them due to wear and tear or heat or whatever I am unaware of. Ticking random time bomb.

It sucks… maintenance sucks. Maintenance = sometimes unexpected last minute unbudgeted spending. On this episode, lucky for me I have spare. I have tools. Have car in Thailand, other then must have money to maintain (especially older cars), must be prepared for self service of everything.

Remember, Thailand is no place where you can expect AA like service and have the mechanic find you. That is if you can tell the mechanic your location in the first place. This land, all signs are Thai and all roads leads to Seven Eleven. Not care about preventive maintenance? Roads will lead to Heaven.

The Fish Bridge



Every town near the sea will always have Saphan-Blar aka Fish Bridge. Well it is not exactly a bridge but a jetty instead. But I guess Thai does not have a word called jetty and so saying “I want to go jetty buy fish” will result in them guiding you to the nearest petrol station called Pump Jet, or Jiffy.


This is Saphan-Blar of Ang Sila in Chonburi. The immediate sea surrounding is a huge oyster farm. This is where you can get fresh catch for your kitchen cheap from the fishing boats arriving. They have scallops too and you could see the discarded shells all over the jetty together with the rubbish stew. Thais are not really environmental friendly and they cannot comprehend the fact that dumping in the area where they eat the shellfish in the oyster beds where they farm is not really a clever thing to do. The folks there are like fish, breathing drinking and eating shit in their own shit pool. So avoid the oysters all you can.


Driving there has always been enjoyable, at speeds of 160 for near 40 minutes enjoying the power of your engine roar before merging into the traffic of Chonburi. However, with prices of stupid petrol inflating like nobody’s business, I am not sure how long more I can enjoy road trips like these as I feel the pockets already starting to burn. Petrol prices now are like in Singapore 4 years ago. At SGD$1.60 per liter. I was complaining then back home. Now, I am complaining in the Land of Smiles. Why did the land not turn into Land of Frowns with escalating prices of everything that was so cheap I don’t know. I am frowning as I pumping gas. The Thais next car still smiling, no effect. New cars flood the road everyday. I must live like Thai, spend all my money no care about future, want the car, want the face, high petrol price no scare me. Or yes go convert to LPG where the electronic idiot mechanics had no idea about air fuel ratio, effects of ECU on engine and drive cheap for $300 Baht per tank till your engine disintegrates. But no, I not stupid must cut down on indulgence. My name is Kings, but I am nowhere near a King.

Friday, April 18, 2008

This is Songkran??


And true enough, over Songkran the accidents and the sirens. About 400 people died in just 4 days. My employees crashed another company car. Sigh.




As usual, the traffic went haywire when the small streets were filled with people. As you can see from the picture, the wetness is not of the rain, but of all the splashy fun. This is a festival where all roads turn into walking streets. Cars have to be caution not to run over their feet. Rules are meant to be broken and so are bodies. Near to 4000 injuries reported. Death comes in comical situation. Gig’s colleague cracked his head and hospital was full. Went to two hospitals that turned him away because of many more broken heads being attended to. He bled to death in the third hospital and added to the nation’s statistics.

And who was the winner of the festival splashing the most amount of water on the most number of people. Oh Buddha floating on your skateboard clouds the winner you are. On the fourth day, a day after Songkran, you made the heavy rains fell. And on the fifth day you broke the rule and throw ice cubes at all of us for a minute in the afternoon. Hail in Bangkok the world is crazy. Global warming oh yeah Buddha.